Thank you to C. Alexis at Coherence Is Bliss for this. CA just posted a story about why she does not date, which caused me to subsequently remember a really bad incident from a few years ago.
Let me start out by saying, by happenstance and a series of most unfortunate events the whole day started out bad before the actual date. If I remember correctly the day started with, among other things--a rained out outdoor Nas concert, a ruined outfit and hairstyle, a broken shoe, a minor foot injury and a pizza guy who tried to rip me off causing said broken shoe and minor foot injury.
This is when my friend Liz decided it would be a good idea to further torture me by setting me up on a blind date. It was one of those--she was going out with a guy and he wanted to bring his friend along kinda thing. Now, I knew her date...I'd actually known him since elementary school. He wasn't a bad looking dude and typically you know those type run in packs. However given my salty disposition I really was not in the mood to entertain anyone, much less a complete stranger or anyone else for that matter. So, I made my position very clear...if he's ugly, I will turn around and go straight home. If I'm gonna subject myself here after the day i had it better at LEAST be worth it.
After some assurances from her man that his boy was ok I reluctantly agreed to go, still clinging to the hope that I could perhaps salvage the remainder of my day...HA! No such luck.
I see the car pull up and I catch a glimpse of the troll in the passenger seat and I go as my friend MJ calls it...nuclear. I literally screamed out loud "oh HELL NAW. Fuck YOU. I'm going HOME!" Screw tact at that point. I knew the guys had heard me...ask me if I cared. On the ugly scale this dude was probably neck and neck with Shabba Ranks.
I spent the better part of 10 minutes on a profanity laden rant. Cool points be damned. Liz and her date managed to calm me down enough to go and my date knew at this point to just sit back and STFU.
We went bowling. The whole time Mr Ugly was suspiciously quiet. Which was great because then I didn't have to worry about kirking out again. He just sat back drinking beer and said a word every now and then which did nothing to improve his looks. But by now, I'm beginning to feel a little bad...damn my conscious. lol. I'm thinking I've been an asshole all night, he hasn't said two words. I probably made him feel like how'd I get stuck with this BITCH. Ok, let me at least make an effort to be nice. We decided to hang out (or rather they decided let me say-- I did not drive we were all in one car for the moment so I had NO choice in the matter), we go to pay for bowling and come to find out they messed up our bill. How 'bout they walked out without paying??? OK. This keeps getting better and better.
I'm trying to hold it together by a sliver at this point as we get to Mr Ugly's crib. We ended up playing spades I think. And Mr Ugly handed me a beer, which I promptly babysat. No way I'm drinking in this situation---not enough beer goggles in the universe to make him attractive.
Now here is where it goes completely over the TOP. We're playing cards at a glass kitchen table. Turns out Mr. Ugly had a rat chihuahua. At some point during the cards I picked up the rat and sat it in my lap...more as a distraction so I could avoid conversation, but this caused Mr Ugly to lean in and while he was pretending to pet the dog this mofo is trying to sneak a feel. At the risk of knocking him out, I remove the dog from my lap slyly...thinking he's been quiet all night perhaps I'm just over reacting---but when he did it again, I jumped up and the next words out of my mouth were "your dog just bit me!"
Don't ask me where that came from, I think maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I figured I'd spare him the agony of my fist across his jaw, but what I didn't take into account was under that glass table, the dog was sitting quietly at the feet of my friend Liz.
By now she and her guy had pretty much figured out what happened. And while they laughed at me decided it was time to go. Mr Ugly however wasn't about to let me walk out without one last try. He proceeded to tell me I was "too drunk" to drive home and I should stay for awhile. Now remember that beer I babysat...well I was completely SOBER. Then when he realized that wouldn't work, as I turned to leave, before I could even distance myself, this dude decides to attempt to kiss me...BIG MISTAKE. As a parting gift he received teeth impressions from where I bit him in the face, followed by an extra coat of blackness from the back of my hand.
Needless to say, that was the end of that date.
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