30 Day Challenge- Day 16 My First Kiss

Oh wow...my first first kiss can be summed up like this:

Awkward
Weird
Funny (in that middle school sort of humor-ish way)

My last first kiss can be summed up like this:

Intense
Uncensored
and still funny (in a grown up humorous sort of way)

...and to the person who gave me the latter, I want another one. lol

Episode 55- Wrap Your Head Around This...

So....

Awhile back--last summer I believe. I wrote a couple of posts about my friends Nic and Claudia who were dating. Now, in one of the posts I talked about how Claudia had done some things that were kinda "suspicious" to me...but I promised myself I would stay out of it...which I did for the most part other than to let Nic vent.

Long story short, Nic cut back on Claudia some was kinda seeing someone else for a while since their relationship (N and C's I mean) was long distance. I hadn't really talked to Nic that much in the last few months because of a couple of illnesses that keep her in and out of the hospital. I had all but assumed they had stopped dealing with each other...that was last I heard.

Now fast forward to yesterday...

I'm talking to Nic catching up because we haven't really talked in about a month and a half. I'm told Claudia is back in the picture and they've worked everything out and things are stronger than before. I'm thinking ok...positive changes, great for y'all

Oh but WAIT...

Nic hits me with "um yeah Claudia is moving up here and I'm going to propose on Valentine's Day" (I can post this because neither reads this blog)

wait wait wait. pump your brakes and hold on...there are several things wrong with this picture. Let's start with the most obvious...

YOU HAVE NEVER MET IN PERSON

To my knowledge...Claudia has not made a trip up and because of health Nic has never made a trip down. I could be wrong, but I don't think I am and if they did meet it was no more than ONCE. WTF???????????

Ok...let's say we can overlook that part... ARE YOU NUTS?

Nevermind that they haven't been together for a solid year. Nevermind that there is an age difference. Nevermind that...

Now...let me say I know both of them... they actually met kinda sideways through me in an online group that I moderate. I don't believe either is mentally unstable...though after that piece of news...iooono ( pronounced just like I wrote it...lol)

SMH. I can't wrap my head around this.

Again I told myself I would stay out of it, but I've been fighting the urge since yesterday to kind of go off on them, but part of me is like you know what...I want to sit back and watch this train wreck, because I said my peace awhile back and then stepped away from it.

Wow.

I'm just going to leave it right there. Back away from the wreckage.

Episode 45- SMH. The 'L' Word Part 2

So I'm back from vacation and some interesting developments have occurred since our last installment.

I didn't want to be the one to say I told you so, but... damn it I told you so... see, going back to our last episode, where I was venting about the use or overuse of the "L" word, why is it that now all parties have removed the stardust from their eyeballs and showing themselves for who they are.

DJ and Angie are ok...they met, everything was great. Until... I asked Angie if she was still "in love" and. I. got. a. moment. of... PAUSE, and a sentence that started with "well..."

SMH. You KNOW that is never a good sign... However they are still together and things seem to be going ok. So we'll just let that ride. However...

Nic and Claudia.

Le grande SIGH!

These two...the story is sounding more and more like the Young and The Restless. And if I wasn't hearing it all firsthand I almost wouldn't believe it.

So Claudia backed out of the trip she was supposed to make to see Nic... because of some "work related training" that conveniently came up at the last minute. I would tend to believe that on face value but there are some AHEM, inconsistencies in the way the story was told. I may not be good at math, but um...something doesn't quite add up. Now, I see major red flags all over the place, but I have resolved to keep my opinions to myself, so I let Nic vent and just kinda take it all in. However, here's where I have a major problem...

Nic has some serious life or death health issues. So I'm hoping against hope that I am wrong (smh) and that Claudia, for what it's worth, is being forthcoming, because nothing would be more messed up than for her to turn out to be on some retarded game playing mode and put that kinda undue stress on Nic.

As for me. It's complicated. I am trying to untangle myself and my feelings about someone. I refuse to commit to the "L" word because I know I shouldn't.

I said it before I'm not "in love" even though I might like you a little bit... sigh . WTH?

Episode 40- Angels With Broken Halos

I've been called a lot of things... some good, some bad.

Most recently, I've been referred to (more than once) as an angel with a broken halo.

I try to be good. I really try. I say what I mean for the most part even if sometimes--it hurts. I try to be honest about my feelings even if it's hard for me---I'm getting better at that. I don't intend to mislead people, I'm approachable, I'm nice--most of the time. I like to think I'm funny. I say all that to ask the question...

Is there a reason why I always seem to find myself in some sort of crazy romantic entanglement?

I'm over here minding my own business. LMAO. Matter of fact I have a new Muse. I'll admit I've been... inspired, but... there are others waiting in the wings so to speak. Waiting for the Muse to leave. Waiting to be that thing that brings out my creativity. But I don't want to scatter my energies all willy nilly to the wind. I would rather stay focused. It all sounds rather poetic doesn't it? LOL

But in the simplest explanation, have you ever notice that the second you focus your feelings on someone, all of a sudden someone else will try to spike the kool-aid? Either an ex will show up or someone you didn't know had feelings for you will decided that NOW is the perfect time to throw it out there.

Hmm... a conundrum of life I suppose.

And how do I respond to these advances when a) I'm trying to listen to one voice among several looking to get my attention b) when the voices know they are talking over each other. In other words, what's the nicest way possible to reinterate to a few people that you know I am trying to work with only ONE Muse and right now that is where my attention is focused and while I appreciate your feelings I can't with you at the moment.

My relationship with my Muse at this point is only in its beginning stages and I would like to see what comes of it. So, to the others...allow me to listen please.

Readjusting my broken halo.

Episode 38-When Waiting is Not Really an Option

Wow, so...

A few months back you may remember I wrote a blog post about my friend Mr. X --the one that had the extra crazy baby mama.

Now keep in mind this was just a few months ago...maybe 6 months at best

How about I just happened to catch a glance at Mr. X's facebook page and saw that he is engaged.

Paused. Let that sink in and then I let my fingers fly at 100 miles an hour to type out an email asking if perhaps I had just "missed something"...

Nope.

Turns out he just got engaged on Saturday to a girl he has been dating---not baby mama--a different girl.

Needless to say I am shocked. Pause. Let that sink in again. rattle of another email syaing that I suppose "congrats are in order" even though what I am thinking is... wow, seriously...given your track record with women this might not be your best idea...But then again who am I to call it. You are a grown man and I can't really find a reason to object if you're happy *side eye* And OMG when baby mama finds out it's a wrap!!!

Pause. Let THAT marinate. And...

I'm just gonna sit back over here in the corner with some popcorn and watch this made for tv movie. ROTFL.

Episode 32- Adentures in Dating (Retroactive)- Bad Dog! Or Why I Never Let Friends Set Me Up on A Blind Date

Thank you to C. Alexis at Coherence Is Bliss for this. CA just posted a story about why she does not date, which caused me to subsequently remember a really bad incident from a few years ago.

Let me start out by saying, by happenstance and a series of most unfortunate events the whole day started out bad before the actual date. If I remember correctly the day started with, among other things--a rained out outdoor Nas concert, a ruined outfit and hairstyle, a broken shoe, a minor foot injury and a pizza guy who tried to rip me off causing said broken shoe and minor foot injury.

This is when my friend Liz decided it would be a good idea to further torture me by setting me up on a blind date. It was one of those--she was going out with a guy and he wanted to bring his friend along kinda thing. Now, I knew her date...I'd actually known him since elementary school. He wasn't a bad looking dude and typically you know those type run in packs. However given my salty disposition I really was not in the mood to entertain anyone, much less a complete stranger or anyone else for that matter. So, I made my position very clear...if he's ugly, I will turn around and go straight home. If I'm gonna subject myself here after the day i had it better at LEAST be worth it.

After some assurances from her man that his boy was ok I reluctantly agreed to go, still clinging to the hope that I could perhaps salvage the remainder of my day...HA! No such luck.

I see the car pull up and I catch a glimpse of the troll in the passenger seat and I go as my friend MJ calls it...nuclear. I literally screamed out loud "oh HELL NAW. Fuck YOU. I'm going HOME!" Screw tact at that point. I knew the guys had heard me...ask me if I cared. On the ugly scale this dude was probably neck and neck with Shabba Ranks.



I spent the better part of 10 minutes on a profanity laden rant. Cool points be damned. Liz and her date managed to calm me down enough to go and my date knew at this point to just sit back and STFU.

We went bowling. The whole time Mr Ugly was suspiciously quiet. Which was great because then I didn't have to worry about kirking out again. He just sat back drinking beer and said a word every now and then which did nothing to improve his looks. But by now, I'm beginning to feel a little bad...damn my conscious. lol. I'm thinking I've been an asshole all night, he hasn't said two words. I probably made him feel like how'd I get stuck with this BITCH. Ok, let me at least make an effort to be nice. We decided to hang out (or rather they decided let me say-- I did not drive we were all in one car for the moment so I had NO choice in the matter), we go to pay for bowling and come to find out they messed up our bill. How 'bout they walked out without paying??? OK. This keeps getting better and better.

I'm trying to hold it together by a sliver at this point as we get to Mr Ugly's crib. We ended up playing spades I think. And Mr Ugly handed me a beer, which I promptly babysat. No way I'm drinking in this situation---not enough beer goggles in the universe to make him attractive.

Now here is where it goes completely over the TOP. We're playing cards at a glass kitchen table. Turns out Mr. Ugly had a rat chihuahua. At some point during the cards I picked up the rat and sat it in my lap...more as a distraction so I could avoid conversation, but this caused Mr Ugly to lean in and while he was pretending to pet the dog this mofo is trying to sneak a feel. At the risk of knocking him out, I remove the dog from my lap slyly...thinking he's been quiet all night perhaps I'm just over reacting---but when he did it again, I jumped up and the next words out of my mouth were "your dog just bit me!"

Don't ask me where that came from, I think maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I figured I'd spare him the agony of my fist across his jaw, but what I didn't take into account was under that glass table, the dog was sitting quietly at the feet of my friend Liz.

By now she and her guy had pretty much figured out what happened. And while they laughed at me decided it was time to go. Mr Ugly however wasn't about to let me walk out without one last try. He proceeded to tell me I was "too drunk" to drive home and I should stay for awhile. Now remember that beer I babysat...well I was completely SOBER. Then when he realized that wouldn't work, as I turned to leave, before I could even distance myself, this dude decides to attempt to kiss me...BIG MISTAKE. As a parting gift he received teeth impressions from where I bit him in the face, followed by an extra coat of blackness from the back of my hand.

Needless to say, that was the end of that date.

Episode 31- This is NOT up for discussion

The (truncated version) of the conversation I just had...

Me: Hello.

S: I'm unhappy without you.

Me: Thought we agreed not to talk.

S: I'm unhappy without you. I really want to work it out

Me: Ok, well this is not up for discussion

S: I want you back

Me: this is not up for discussion

S: can't we talk about it

Me: this is not up for discussion

S: How're you just so cold like that. You just want to give up?

Me: (feeling confuzzled since we broke up like more than 2 months ago and I KNOW I said I was FINISHED and put it in WRITING no less). Um, yeah.

S: So what should I do, I don't want to be with anyone else except you.

Me: I don't know how to advise you on that, because as I said, this is no longer up for discussion. Let it go.

S: C'mon man.

Me: this is not up for discussion

S: You know I will show up at your house.

Me: I don't think you have it in you, but I wouldn't be surprised if you did. Doesn't matter though, cause I don't want to talk about this.

S: You don't think I have it in me?

Me: Nope. But again, nothing would surprise me.

S: I just want to talk to you.

Me: at the risk of repeating myself...this topic is not up for discussion. Not now, not later.

S: We can't talk about this at all?

Me: What exactly is there to talk about? I said what I had to say last time and I told you I am tired of you fence straddling. You do NOT know what it is you want. One minute you want to be with me next minute you don't, then you want to be my friend, next minute you can't...I'm done! End of discussion.

S: I know what I want. I want you. You know this hurts me and you're not thinking about anyone except yourself.

Me: Actually, YOU are not thinking of anyone except YOURself. I made myself VERY clear. Repeatedly. I know what I said 'cause I was THERE when I said it. Period. This topic is NO LONGER up for DISCUSSION.

---call ends. Ten mins later...

Me: (exasperated.) Hel-lo.

S: (sounding tearful) So do you want me to leave you alone?

Me: (for the love of Jesus, Allah, Buddah, Mary, Joseph, Confucious and Captain Crunch) YES!

----
Did anything I said seem unclear there? I didn't think so. **Sigh!**

Episode 28- Comprehension Skills and Chicken and Waffles

Ok...

I had pretty much kept quiet about S since the breakup. But TODAY I was sufficiently pushed over the edge over to feel COMPELLED to write commentary. This is not a good thing...

Apparently S has what I like to refer to as Chicken and Waffles Syndrome. Lemme 'splain...

Have you ever walked into a restaurant and not known what you want to eat? you don't know whether you have a taste for something salty or something sweet, your palatte is having conflict of interest issues...the cure for this is chicken and waffles. Seriously! For some reason the combination of those two things eaten at any time of the day will immediately cure whatever craving you had, stop you from fence straddling, increase your decision making and comprehension skills as well as cure your hunger...even better if it is followed by an Arnold Palmer (that's half sweet tea, half lemonade).

I would love to force feed S an entire bucket of fried chicken and about 50 waffles cause right now I feel like there are some serious issues with indecision going on over here.



When we broke up, I was crystal clear about what I wanted and where we stood. The only thing I could've done to be clearer about it was skywrite it. I said I wanted us to be friends and the response I got was no.

If someone tells me we can't be friends then I have no need to call you, IM you, have idle chit chat or rehash any parts of our relationship.

So imagine my surprise when I get a call weeks later from S complaining about how I made no effort to call or speak.

Ooooooooooooooooooook?

Whatever.

Yesterday, S calls me, apologizes, tells me that we should attempt to be friends. I'm thinking wow, ok...this is mature. Glad we can handle this like adults. But I start seeing where this might be headed when we spoke last night...the conversation kept steering in the direction of talking about the relationship. RED FLAG.

This brings me to today...we are on IM this morning. S starts joking about seeing someone new. Truth be told I don't care. Yeah it kinda hurts, but who am I to stop you at this point. I'm the one who walked in the first place so, do you. When I asked about it, S does what S always does to get a reaction out of me which is avoid my question by asking about my daughter.

Pump your brakes got damn it!!!

I'm not going for it and I said so. So, S calls me at WORK with an attitude no less and then pulls a 180 and says we need to get back together.

Say what?

Ok...lemme get this straight... first you tell me you can't handle being friends and then suddenly you can, then you turn around and start this bs about you want us back together.

Eat some chicken and waffles and make up your got damn mind!!!

My decision has BEEN made. I'm full and I have the itis. *BURP* Check, please!

Adventures in Dating-Redux

So I suppose I'm back to being officially single. S and I haven't spoken in about 2 weeks now (although I know that there is a continued lurking presence on my blog *I always feel like, somebody's watching me* LOL.) That being said I choose not to blog about my feelings concerning the moment formerly known as my relationship. I'll save that for a later day perhaps.

In any case the point of this is...I had a long conversation with my daily pool buddy (this is what I do on my downtime at work) HTP and we got in this long discussion about we're both currently in the same boat. Of course for his part, he is a certified gigolo by every standard definition.

gig·o·lo n. pl. gig·o·los

A man who has a continuing sexual relationship with and receives financial support from a woman.

and he may hate that I said that, but shoot I call 'em like I see 'em. LOL. Actually to be fair he's not that bad...aside from being an arrogant prick--but I am the only one who can fully get away with calling him that.

I joke, but the truth of the matter is we're both kinda stuck. As he so eloquently put it

"...there are days when we jus chill the fuck out. i know this chick that never chills out. i jus went the fuck off on her. its like s****. u cant get a break. an then u snap then they say ur crazy. and u forgive and forgive cause u know heck i can be a smart ass. so imma brush that off. but they keep on, till u jus say u know wha fuck it. then they want to say sorry."

Shoot, that's the story of my life when it comes to dealing with relationships. Folks like making things waaaaaaaaay more difficult than need be.

I'll be honest, there are times when I really like being single, but this isnt one of those times. At the same time though I'm not the person to jump back into something, just for the sake of being with someone--that reeks of eau du desperation--not my style. I wish things would've worked out with S, I do, but now that I'm back flying solo, I guess I'll just have to deal until I get another shot...

Yo HTP... 8 ball corner pocket.

Episode 22- Adventures in Dating (Retroactive)

On one of my favorite social networking sites, there was a good discussion post today (which actually brewed over into a virtual catfight which is ongoing even as I am posting this up...that's a whole other blog post though...tune in for the next episode and maybe I'll have a conclusion)

Anywho, the original question posted to a women's group was something to the effect of what's the worst lie a man has ever told you? did you forgive him, and if so why?

I have some stories I could tell. Hence why I named my blog Jerry Springer Moments--because incredible, overdramatic, almost unbelievable soap opera-esqe stories are always happening to me. And were I not there to experience them I almost wouldn't believe them. Soooo I'm going to reprint the story I posted in response to the question. I swear all of this is true, I only changed the names:

I dated this man for a year while I was in college. It was long distance because I went to school out of state, but he was making these 6 hours trip to come see me nearly every weekend or I would come either home to DC or we'd meet up in NYC where his family lived. Like I said this went on for about a year. Things were fantastic...I had met all of his family, stayed at his mother's house one weekend, all that.

Ok, he joined the military and about a year into our relationship he told me he had a choice of getting stationed either at a base about a half hour from where I went to school, or to a base in Georgia. Well he decided on Georgia.

One weekend right about the time he was supposed to be leaving, we were both home and we had this huge blow out fight, and he told me he was leaving early the next day to start moving stuff down to GA. So like 2-3 in the afternoon that next day, I go pick up my best friend from her apartment building and I go to get in the elevator and as the doors opens this fool gets off carrying boxes and behind him is this random chick also carrying boxes. He says "hi" to me and keeps walking!!!!! My other friend had to snatch me back in the elevator before I could make a scene. I tell my best friend and we're ready to go looking for him, when...he gets off the elevator on the floor we're on. Walks over to my best friend, tries to hug her and then me. Random chick just kept walking past.

Well of course when I finally got a chance to call this fool out, the lie he gave me was that he didn't know the girl like that and his uncle paid him to help this girl move her stuff out of her apartment so he did it so he'd have some extra funds to travel on...

That might have been reasonbly plausible...IF...it wasn't for the fact that the random chick just by sheer coincidence happened to live across the hall from my best friend. We ran into her again a few days later and asked her. Turns out, SHE WAS HIS FIANCEE. They'd been together for TWO YEARS (which techinically made me the other woman--but I was the public front, his family had never met her). She was packing up to move to Georgia with him!! So I told her EVERYTHING. I think that despite that she still moved down there---at least for a little while. Me on the other hand, I rolled out baseball bat in hand ready to confront him but he pulled a Ron Browz and jumped out the window.

Funny thing is...like 2 or 3 years later he somehow got my email address and wrote me an apology

Again true story! I snuck into his apartment building behind a pizza delivery guy (because he lived in a security building) and rolled up in my kick ass gear with a baseball bat in hand. I left it at the front door of the apartment when I saw his grandmother and two of his uncles standing there. Ol boy was drinking a beer. When he saw me come in you'd have thought he saw Lucifer in the flesh. He went the back way out of the kitchen and jumped off the second story balcony. LMAO.

A year went by before I saw him again in a mall parking lot and I refused to speak to him...

Then like another year or two after that, out of nowhere he sent me an email basically apologizing for the whole thing. I was shocked needless to say. Also needless to say, we obviously never got back together, but we manage to actually keep in touch every now and then. He never did marry the other chick, but he stayed in the military for awhile, got shipped overseas, ended up having a son and last I heard was a pretty successful DJ somewhere in this area.

I look back on that whole thing as both a comedy and a life lesson. Glad I can laugh about it now. Like I said before if it hadn't happened to me I almost wouldn't believe it. But that's what defines a good Jerry Springer Moment I guess...

And my final thought: If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

-D

Episode 18- Lowered Expectations

Perhaps because the weather (at least here) is cold or because mass market retailers have already begun peddling pink and red cupid paraphernalia and cream filled chocolate hearts that will either melt or be half eaten and tossed, I'm finding that a lot of people are in one of two stages right now...

A) You are in a relationship or have some symbiotic or parasitic attachment to someone for whom you feel obligated to send/give a gift or at least acknowledge 2 weeks from now

OR

B) You are single, panicking, wondering if you will have to resort to sending yourself flowers to at least maintain the appearance of having someone significant while you contemplate the night when you will have to go home and drown your misery in cheap liquor and bon bons. And God forbid you are recently single because THEN you will further torture yourself by playing every sad song imaginable while sobbing into said cheap liquor.

Now for people in category B, you have a variety of options here. I whole heartedly advocate online dating...HOWEVER, if you choose to go this route aside from basic safety and common sense, there are a few key things and red flags you should be aware of when perusing through ads.

For instance:

• Make sure you are looking at ads in the correct category. I just found out what "M4T" means. If you don't know check out the casual encounters section on craigslist...LMAO. (I know I'm slow, but let me clarify I don't mess with CL like that unless I am looking for freelance writing jobs).
• Speaking of which--realize that 99% of folks embellish their ads or straight up lie--it's like padding a resume. Accept it.
• If someone says they like to be spoiled read "gold digger"
• Thick and voluptuous read "a chunkster" (sorry to the big girls/men but be honest--I know some people like big bone-ded, but 350 lbs of gut spillage is not everyone's thing)
• If they will only agree to meet you at your house or call you from any phone other than their home or cell...they're MARRIED
• If a guy says size unimportant, he's got a girl and he's trying to get laid
• If it says "young at heart"...he's about 72 with sweaty balls, so get your viagra and defibulator machine ready
• If they've got a pic of their body but no face, you can bet they either hijacked the pic from another site, or they resemble magilla gorilla
• If they have pics of their genitals, they're freaks...but that may not always be a bad thing wink wink
• If it sounds fishy it probably smells that way too. Pass them the number to the closest STD clinic
• I've noticed more and more people asking for "voice verify" Are that many men posing as girls???
• If it sounds too good to be true it probably is

And this is why I will hosting my annual anti-valentine campaign in a few weeks. Cupid done shot too many of us in the ass. I figure it's time to shoot back.