Episode 18- Lowered Expectations

Perhaps because the weather (at least here) is cold or because mass market retailers have already begun peddling pink and red cupid paraphernalia and cream filled chocolate hearts that will either melt or be half eaten and tossed, I'm finding that a lot of people are in one of two stages right now...

A) You are in a relationship or have some symbiotic or parasitic attachment to someone for whom you feel obligated to send/give a gift or at least acknowledge 2 weeks from now

OR

B) You are single, panicking, wondering if you will have to resort to sending yourself flowers to at least maintain the appearance of having someone significant while you contemplate the night when you will have to go home and drown your misery in cheap liquor and bon bons. And God forbid you are recently single because THEN you will further torture yourself by playing every sad song imaginable while sobbing into said cheap liquor.

Now for people in category B, you have a variety of options here. I whole heartedly advocate online dating...HOWEVER, if you choose to go this route aside from basic safety and common sense, there are a few key things and red flags you should be aware of when perusing through ads.

For instance:

• Make sure you are looking at ads in the correct category. I just found out what "M4T" means. If you don't know check out the casual encounters section on craigslist...LMAO. (I know I'm slow, but let me clarify I don't mess with CL like that unless I am looking for freelance writing jobs).
• Speaking of which--realize that 99% of folks embellish their ads or straight up lie--it's like padding a resume. Accept it.
• If someone says they like to be spoiled read "gold digger"
• Thick and voluptuous read "a chunkster" (sorry to the big girls/men but be honest--I know some people like big bone-ded, but 350 lbs of gut spillage is not everyone's thing)
• If they will only agree to meet you at your house or call you from any phone other than their home or cell...they're MARRIED
• If a guy says size unimportant, he's got a girl and he's trying to get laid
• If it says "young at heart"...he's about 72 with sweaty balls, so get your viagra and defibulator machine ready
• If they've got a pic of their body but no face, you can bet they either hijacked the pic from another site, or they resemble magilla gorilla
• If they have pics of their genitals, they're freaks...but that may not always be a bad thing wink wink
• If it sounds fishy it probably smells that way too. Pass them the number to the closest STD clinic
• I've noticed more and more people asking for "voice verify" Are that many men posing as girls???
• If it sounds too good to be true it probably is

And this is why I will hosting my annual anti-valentine campaign in a few weeks. Cupid done shot too many of us in the ass. I figure it's time to shoot back.

Episode 14- Secret Squirrel

Man oh man I just had an adventure worthy of a JS Moment. And it's only the beginning of January. LOL.

So my a friend of mine called me a little while ago and tells me she's going to stop by my house for a few...actually she picked me up so we could go play Secret Squirrel.

Secret Squirrel is spying on your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/significant other

Gotta tell you a little back story on this. My friend (we'll call her J) is dealing with a very well off, very cute, very married (but currently separated) man. Given the circumstances of their (ahem) arrangement there are some inherent trust issues so she wanted to do a drive his job and see if he was being a good little boy.

So you know me...anything for the betterment of mankind--that's what we did. LMAO. Now mind you I haven't done one of my little stealth missions in minute. We get up there and park like across from the building--you can kinda see in and everything looks all good. After about a half hour or so he leaves and his business associate who was also there leaves. Now I had parallel parked the car across the street next to a fence to get a good vantage point and so we wouldn't been seen--you would've had to be looking to find us, plus I was parked behind an SUV.

Wouldn't you know ol' boy's business associate owned the SUV!!

He starts walking over towards the car. J is hiding in the passenger seat trying to scootch down with her hat on her face because this guy has met her before. Me on the other hand, I don't move cause I'm thinking maybe he won't notice me--which of course he sees me but I start giving the look like what--I'm waiting on someone so I think he saw me but he didn't acknowledge me so I just chilled until he left. Maaaaaaan that was some funny shyt right there. I think we laughed all the way back to the house. I was like what if we had got busted...

I'm a grown ass woman dog! Ionevenno (read: I don't even know...lol). I mean at that point in the game what do you even say or do if you get busted. Damn, you couldn't even lie about it...lol

Well, see, what had happened was...

I am so glad I can laugh at myself.

The good news is no news...he really was being good--at least momentarily. The world is safe for now from evil doers and cheating boyfriends.

Episode 12- As Seen on TV

4 kids out of wedlock
3 days of my step dad leaving
2 hours of wrapping gifts
1 nagging mother

and a partridge in a pear tree.

Welcome to Christmas with my family.

I should be happy. I'm with my daughter. I love being here with her for Christmas. I'm thankful. I'm blessed. That's really all I wanted. Nothing else.

Still sad though. Wish S was here too. Haven't had the talk with the family about THAT yet. Don't think S is ready to be around them. Don't think I am ready for that yet.

If I wasn't for lil D I would almost rather be home right now.

Not that I don't love my family. I do. But...

I don't know I get a little weird on these visits. I don't know how to explain it. I'm listening to my mom and my great aunt talk about the family (they do this every visit) and the more I listen I'm realizing we are severely screwed up.

Like...ok I'm listening to my mother speaking to my aunt talking about how her ex husband is a bastard and isn't doing shit for anyone--not even their grandson for Christmas. And then I'm listening to my mother talking about how my step dad left on Saturday to go visit a friend of his...he just came back today (it's a weird complicated situation with them and I don't have enough energy to explain it). And then I know it's gonna be crazy tomorrow because we have 4 new babies in the family this year--one of my cousins had TWO with TWO different women. Which is actually a good thing cause then that takes some of the pressure of me to get the pointy end of the life lecture this year. And on and on and on.

See you have to understand, my family is VERY blunt and honest about how they feel. Which is good cause you know they won't lie to you, but bad in that you're going to hear it whether you want to or not--that's ASKING for drama. Which is why am up at 2 am stressing out. I mean it could be worse. In the back of my head I know this. My family is no better or worse than most, but, i don't know... maybe you have to be here to understand.

See, when it comes down to it, I come from a line of country folk with Jerry Springer issues. And I can deny it all I want but I fit in. And maybe that's what fucks with me... I know that I'll never be better than that. So when the food starts flying tomorrow maybe I shouldn't feel so bad. At least I know I'm not the only one.

Episode 11- Your Cheating Ways

I have been totally engrossed in this new social networking site I joined. They have a lot of "interesting" discussions (I guess that's the right word). On the site I joined a few groups, including a women's discussion group. I realize that that title is very redundant...lol

Anyway, a topic that I have seen come up more than once in the last few days is cheating. How do you know when you mate is cheating on you?

Good question. I have complied a few tell tale signs from various sources (complete with snarky commentary for your reading pleasure). My Christmas gift to you...I've taken the liberty of breaking it up into categories

THE PHONE
if he/she:

• turns the phone off when you're around or puts it on silent
• dismisses calls or will not answer the phone around you
• frequently walks to another room to take calls and whispers or talks low
• takes a call in front of you but will only answer in short 1 word answers like "uh-huh," "yes" and "no"
• will not check messages while you are around
• changes the passwords on the voice mail
• doesn't answer the phone when YOU call, but let you call from another number and they quick as HELL to pick up
• clears out all incoming and outgoing text messages frequently

Your mate is possibly a cheater--or a drug dealer or a member of the mafia. In any case I would watch my back and my wallet

THE COMPUTER
if he/she:

• spends a LOT of time on IM or chatting (I mean excessive amounts of time)
• shuts everything off abrubtly when you walk in the room
• is up at 2, 3, 4 am chatting (if you live together, this is IMPORTANT)
• has his social networking page set to private (and you are not on friends list)
• has more than 2 email addresses (I can't say shyt I have like 6, but to be fair some of them are for school and some I NEVER use for anything other than to register accounts so I don't get spam)
• has open active accounts at dating sites. (if it's a same sex dating site and your mate is "NOT gay"....THAT's some SERIOUS Jerry Springer ish! I'll be looking for you on a future episode )

if it's a guy and one of his alias screennames is "butchboy_frombhd" somebody gots to get CUT up in here!

CLOTHING/PERSONAL APPEARANCE/HYGIENE
if he/she

• shows up wearing different clothes from when they walked out the door (and you know they didn't just go play ball or something like that...)
• suddenly starts wearing new pieces of jewelry and you have no IDEA where it came from OR the wedding rings start coming up missing off the finger (and I'm telling you--let that be ME and THAT finger will get promptly cut off and shipped back to you in a box with the ring superglued to it and a note that reads--"let's see you take it off NOW!")
• switches from briefs to boxers or granny panties to thongs and NOT for you...only when they walk out the house and with no explanation
• carries and extra set of clothes in the car--for no reason
• starts dressing up to go to Wal-Mart (I had to tell somebody about THAT one on the blogs today! Have mercy!)
• Smell like new cologne/perfume/aftershave or shyt you KNOW you don't wear (I'll be Toucan Sam up in this piece.)

and the dead give aways

• If they come home and make an immediate beeline for the shower OR
• they come in smelling like they just HAD a shower when they shouldn't.

I'm not gonna resort to smellin yo' shyt, but I'll be damned shawty! You'll be Zest fully clean sleepin yo' ass out on the front lawn

ATTITUDE
if he/she

• starts accusing YOU of cheating. RED ALERT RED ALERT. This is a RED ALERT. If you don't go anywhere and your mate is acting suspicious and then they come to YOU accusing you of cheating...that's a guilty conscious talking!
• doesn't want to go out with you anymore but quick to be up and out the house when their homeboy/homegirl calls
• has an attitude with you and/or starts fights so they can "Optimus Prime" (i.e. transform and roll out)

TIMING/SCHEDULE
if he/she

• Suddenly has plans or has something come up last minute (and this happens a little too frequently to be coincidence)
• Tells you oh I was with my homeboy I'll be there in 5 mins and shows up an HOUR later
• Whenever you want to go to a certain place together there's always some excuse for why not(prolly cause the bitch he's fucking around with works there!)
• Disappears for large chunks of time that can't be explained...

I'll explain-- see what had happened was I had the locks changed.

CAR
if...

• the car smells of perfume/cologne that belongs to neither of you
• you find random items that do not belong to you and are clearly out of place (i.e. condoms, clothing articles, red hair weave. etc)
• the passenger seat is pushed into a different position and you "know" you were the last one in the car

humming...I bust the windows out your car/ you know I did it cause I left my mark/ wrote my initials with a crowbar... Oh I'm sorry where were we...

SEX
if he/she

• comes up with some new ish that is clearly outside of their realm of expertise OR
• completely stops touching you OR
• starts carrying or coming up with condoms when you never used them before...

run do not walk to the nearest STD clinic. Do NOT pass GO. Do not collect $200.

MONEY
if he/she

• comes up with money and you don't know the source
• is suddenly broke--all the time
• won't let you see the phone or credit card bills

They're probably hooking... see my advice under SEX

OBVIOUS MAN

Then of course if you bust the mutherfucker mid-stroke wearing your underwear, a zip up mask and a pair of high heels...um...yeah you can be pretty sure that their cheating.

Throw your shoes at GW day

I promise to get back to my regularly scheduled programming tomorrow. But this just cracked me up so much...




Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Who needs turkey...

...when you got chicken legs! Oh yeah I almost forgot...in a special edition to the thanksgiving festivities, to tell THIS doozie... Welcome to today's wtf moment.

So while I was on vacation, a friend and I went out driving to pick up some stuff for her birthday. We're driving on the west side (which is usually a pretty um..."entertaining" area anyway). We're stuck at a light waiting to get back on the highway pretty much engrossed in conversation when my friend's conversation stops mid sentence...as I wondering what's going on I look past her out of the driver's side window to see a man standing just on the other side of the street, talking to himself and making wild hand gestures (as if he was having the best conversation of his life) while simultaneously pulling down first one layer of pants, then another, until he is standing in just a pair of tighty whities.

Jaw hits floor

I could not even begin to tell you what prompted this midday peep show although if I had to take a guess I'd say--CRACK! but that'd be just a guess, who am I to speculate. All I know is before I could completely wrap my head around it and (thankfully) before the tighty whities could make a run for the border--the light changed.

Episode 7- Holiday Drama part 1

So Thanksgiving is over. And Black Friday is really kinda feeling like just that. And I am thankful that it is almost over.

I know I shouldn't complain. Since my family moved away I didn't even spend my holiday with them but rather I took a drive down to Georgia and spent it with my little sister and a few friends...which if you didn't know meant some great JS moments. Here are the highlights:

Moment #1- Went to see V's band play. Fight breaks out. Band members pull an Eddie Kane. Show over. Have a few drinks. Caravan to the Dec. Crazy, drunk band member hits on me--gets left at party.

Moment #2- Go see my sister. Meet her new "friend." House gets invaded unexpectedly and unannounced by friend's family. Awkward moments galore. Friend's mother accuses my sister of flirting with friend's un-cute sister(!) Friend later has minor nervous breakdown. Fun times had by all.

Moment #3- Go to a friend's house to spend the rest of the week. Call the SO to say hey--awkward silence, awkward silence, SO: nooooooooo I'm not upset, crickets chirping, crickets chirping, SO: stop asking me there's nothing wrong. 5 more minutes of silence...Me: ok, well I'm gonna go--SO: well why don't you want to talk to me, nevermind just go hang with your friends-- click.

Seriously?

oh and there was so much more...those were just the highlights. Gotta love the holidays...and just think only a few more weeks until Christmas and that's when he real episodes will start. Woo hoo.

Episode 6-Attack of the 50 Foot Amazon

I have to tell this story, not just because it's an "I told you so" moment, but because it over qualifies for an episode of Jerry.

I have a male friend who I will call "Mr. X"

Mr. X and I have been friend for about the last 3 or 4 years. I think he's a nice guy. No serious romantic interests or anything like that--don't get the wrong idea. Awhile back I introduced him to another friend of mine, they initially hit it off but then that quickly fell apart for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was this psycho Amazon chick he had been dealing with off and on.

This chick should serve as the example of everything women do to self-sabotage their relationships!

First off, I shoulder some of what happened on Mr. X, because there were red flags from this girl from the very beginning. She showed all the classic symptoms of being (to quote Martin Lawrence) crazy, deranged. Aside from having a generally unpleasant attitude, it was clear to anyone who was paying attention that she also had some serious insecurity and anger management issues. That, coupled with a basic lack of common sense, is like standing on the train tracks waiting to catch a train. But love tends to screw rational thinking.

Now he tried to break it off with her about a year ago. They were in a long distance relationship at the time.

Her first two major mistakes...despite the obvious problems in their relationship and the fact that (hello!) he tried to break up with her, she insisted (as in-- packed her stuff, cancelled her lease and made a screaming beeline for his house) on moving where he was. And number two, on the day of the breakup she announced she was pregnant. Well what a coinkydink!

So he tried to do the right thing...deal with the situation as it were. But then she made mistakes numbers 3, 4, 5 and 6. She expected she could change him, she expected him to want to stay with her because she was pregnant, she basically cut him off from all his friends and then she did the psycho girl thing and started checking his phone etc. etc... I'm actually surprised she didn't ask to smell his d!@&





Woooooo boy!

So long story short--months and months of drama and a baby later he finally came back to his senses and they split. Now, it could have been amicable, but seeing as how she is crazy, deranged...it couldn't be that easy huh! Which brings us to a few days ago when she moved out...

In her last ditch effort to score one for the crazy team, she tried to start a fight...a fist fight, on the day she moved the last of her things. Mr. X had enough foresight to call the cops and have her escorted out (cue applause) and she made mistake number 7 and screamed "I hate you and I hope you die!" Ladies, no matter how upset you are...it doesn't endear you to them to throw a fit like a 4 year old and put a death wish on them...a) it's truly childish and b) if something really WAS to happen, you'd be the first one looking stupid at the funeral falling out in the aisle crying 'bout how you love-ed you some him.

Things happen, sometimes relationships don't work. You get sad, upset and emotional. It hurts, but you deal with it and you move on. But I don't doubt for a second that even if I told her that, that her attitude would change. Until then I feel kinda bad for both of them...her because she will never HAVE the type of relationship she is looking for--if she even really knows what she's looking for. And him because until she figures herself out I can guarantee from here until eternity he's gonna have to deal with baby mama drama.

And now for my final thought: Those who fail history are doomed to repeat it and right now a lot of us are flunking out.

Episode 5- We put the "fun" in dysfunctional

In talking to a few of my friends yesterday, I had a profound and utterly enlightening revelation. Every friend I have is in a completely dysfunctional relationship. Currently in the lineup...

1 friend dating a semi-married psycho stalker
1 dating a whiny, insecure idiot with more baggage than a luggage store
1 married to a man and keeping a secret girlfriend on the side (my friend not her husband)
1 getting a divorce and dating a man with an abundance of --how shall I say-- "history"
1 married who cheated (but only after the husband cheated first and had a love child)
1 who faked the funk that her marriage was pristine only to find out she'd been separated for months before anyone found out
1 who had to file a protective order against her baby daddy

I have storylines that could keep Jerry Springer in business for the next 5 seasons. I can't make this stuff up.

And now my own relationship with an insanely jealous, completely insecure, hypersensitive drama queen doesn't seem so, well, dysfunctional. Man, I need some new friends...just kidding!

But seriously, there can't possibly be that many messed up people in the dating pool.

Are there?




Final Thought: if you're gonna take a swim in the dating pool, bring some shark repellant

Episode 4- Why Can't I Quit You?

Post election euphoria aside...

Back to our show. I have to ask, what is about some people that just renders them unable to understand simple words and phrases. Too much television? Lack of vitamin C or basic 3rd grade comprehension skills? Backwood inbreeding perhaps?




Could've swore I said not once but at least 3 times in the past week I was done. through. finish. finito. gone. elvis has left the building. I know I said it because I was there when I said it.

Now I might have considered discussing the possibility of trying to work it out. Until... you went from 0 to psycho in 3 seconds flat. We finally spoke today after almost a week of the silent treatment from me--mostly because I have had the week from hell and really wasn't trying to have an extended conversation with the devil. But today I said and I quote "we'll talk later on tonight." It's 7 syllables. I used short words. Yet, my phone rang no less than 5-6 times today.

And then came the crazy text messages...um...hate to tell you, but you've now officially entered the psycho stalker realm [cue music from the Twilight Zone]. What exactly about your retarded behavior says "here's a good reason to take me back"? Was it the part where you emailed me saying you weren't going to call me again (which I was reading when you called me for the second time)? Or perhaps it was the moment when you asked if I was seeing someone else (I'm glad you seem to think I am diva enough to begin dating again a week after we broke up--I am...lol...but that's besides the point).

Oh but wait here's the kicker... the last text entailed asking me to speak to your mother.

stunned. silence. while. i. ponder. precisely. how. i. should. respond.

Ok...where's Ashton. Swear I must be on Punk'd. No way you're serious? C'mon now. I'm gonna need you to put the crack pipe down.

Smacks self upside held. Pinches arm to ensure this is not a weird dream.

But then again, this is why I titled this blog "Jerry Springer Moments."

And on that note... here is my final thought: They say, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...I am neither a man, nor am I hungry so please stop trying to feed me your bs.

Episode 3-Confessions of a Election Day Voter

It's 8 am. I'm watching Jerry Springer (literally). But I'd like to interrupt the slap fest for a brief commercial announcement:




Voted this morning. Was up at the crack of butt (aka 4:45 am EST). Grabbed some 7-11 coffee (should've waited...just FYI Starbucks, Krispy Kreme and Ben and Jerry's are giving away goodies for wearing your "I voted" sticker). Got to my local polling place at 5:20 (polls opened at 6am) and lucky me I was only about number 15 in line. I have to say if everyday was like this morning, my faith in the system would be restored. Everyone was surprisingly jovial, joking, sharing. I even met a fellow Orangeman (go 'Cuse!). The weather cooperated (although I got there early enough to be inside). By the time the poll opened they were splitting us up by last name...I jumped from number 15 to number 3. Go me!

No 12 hour line, no drama, no quirks. I cast my ballot, got my sticker and when I looked at the time...It was 6:08 am. There's something to be said for getting up early. Outside the line was already beginning to wrap around the parking lot and cars were everywhere, but I didn't hear any grumbling or complaining. In fact people actually cheered when the first of us came from the exit. I'll save my cheering for tomorrow, when it's official!

In the meantime...if you haven't, then do it. You can't blame anyone but yourself on this one. Even if you've never been political in your life, make it your business to be political TODAY. No excuses! I can't tell you who to choose (I won't even tell you who I chose--although if you know me you already know the answer!--but that's why ballots are secret for a reason).

But just in case you missed it, here are some quick tips:

Double check your polling place. You don't want to stand in line for 3 hours only to find out you were athe wrong place. You can check online at your state election board website.

Take two forms of ID (just in case!). Make sure one of them is your driver's license or picture ID. I also took my Voter Registration Card (the poll worker actually told me that was easier for her to look up).

Don't wear anything political. They can and will turn you away from the polls.

Bring something to read, something to snack on and some patience.

It may be different in different states, but here they give you the option to use the machines or fill the scantron bubble ballot...if you don't feel comfortable with the machines ask for the the paper ballot.

Double check your vote. It is NOT official until you hit the vote button and you see the message that says thank you for your vote. If something looks wrong do not leave the booth. Ask the election official to come to you.

Don't wait until the last minute. Find out what time the polls close.

I'm not trying to be obvious man, but hey don't say you can't say I didn't tell you. But why are you reading this, you should be at the polls! Go vote already.

I'm a registered voter and I approve this message!

Must've Been a Past Jerry Springer Guest

For those people who know me, I keep a running tab of odd names (paticularly baby names). This is my winner of the week:

La-a

and it's pronounced La DASH ah

All I can do is shake my head in stunned silence. [Insert your own jokes here]

Episode 1-When Good Relationships Go Bad

Last night I officially became single again.

Can't say that I am happy. Not as upset as I figure I should be...considering. Wasn't a particularly traumatic breakup, I've had far worse believe you me.

It was done over the phone. No hang ups--well at least not in the literal sense.

I even did the thing I NEVER do and gave the "out"...you know the "out"--let me make this easier on you because obviously you're having trouble with this so I'll lend you a plausible reason to justify you obviously twisted logic for rolling out just so I can spare myself the agony and extra unnecessary drama--

What I said: Well, if that's the way you feel, then I guess I can respect that

What I was actually thinking: Are you f'ing serious?

I handled it quite well if I do say so myself. No crying, no begging, no cussing, no threats to pull a Jazmine Sullivan and go busting out car windows. Nope not I. Suffice it to say, you caught me on a good day.

And for all my good will and humanity I get a bunch of calls, emails and texts today telling me what a mistake it was and you want to work it out. You think?

To quote the great philosopher and beloved hero Tweety Bird, "he don't know me verwy well do he?"

I'm gonna let you sit and pontificate on that for a sec, because your issues are just that, your issues. We'll see how I feel tomorrow or perhaps the day after when you get some act right in your system.

And now for my final thought: Relationships are like 401Ks. You have to contribute and I'll match. It takes a while to be fully vested and there are penalties from early withdrawl.

Why am I here? The Eternal Question

For whatever reason, (my latest theory being that I must've screwed someone over in a past life), things that seem improbable, next to impossible or just so outlandish they're fit for Jerry Springerdom seem to always happen to me.

I don't go looking for drama. I'm pretty upbeat, optimistic...occasionally (ahem!) sarcastic, but seriously, I sometimes believe that whatever force controls the universe is on serious joke time when it comes to me.

As a secondary incentive for more misadventures to occur, I have a penchant for talking things up. Don't let me even mention the possibility of some random event occurring because knowing how it works with me, it'll probably happen. If I knew how to channel it, I'm telling you I could make a mint betting the odds in Vegas.

I've reached the point now where all I can do is point and laugh and pray that I never find myself on Jerry Springer Uncut or on PayPerView.

In the meantime, I'm going to chronicle some of these "episodes" if for no other reason than I have nothing better to do than sit on my couch with a pint of beer, Ben & Jerry's, polishin' my one tooth and crying about the man I think might be my baby daddy while I type.

Truly it's not that serious, but you get the gist.