This should be pretty easy.
I have a rather unconventional family. I don't know my dad's side of the family. I was raised by my mom and I have (for lack of a better description) a "step dad." Their whole deal is kinda convoluted and I stopped asking years ago--lol. They're not married but they've been together more on than off for the better part of 25 years. I just refer to them as the odd couple.
The 'rents are both retired. They're not that old but they're drifting into the realm of only wanting to do "old people stuff" like go to senior day at the local casino (though neither is even old enough to get social security...so again, not that old...lol).
In their past lives (lol) my mom was Wonder Woman--still is. She's the ONE person I would NEVER want to get in a fight with even if she weren't my mom (ex cop, ex military, martial artist). My step dad was/is a electrical/electronics geek who can take apart and put computers back together. They both have their quirks. I have a odd but strangely normal relationship with them. I love them even when they get on my ever lasting nerves which is frequently...lol. But, I wouldn't trade them. Eh! That's about it.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Episode 41- Letter to My Father
i wrote this about 6 months ago... never posted it, but I figure today it is appropriate.
I don't know why I about to do what I am about to do...but here goes...
I don't know why I about to do what I am about to do...but here goes...
I have been doing a lot of thinking about my family over the past week. Was speaking to family member and the subject of Drey's dad came up...they know the story. I don't even mention his name in a sentence anymore.
(I have this seriously uncanny ability to talk up and/or predict things at random. I am soooo not trying to talk up that man-- I won't even mention his name)
Anyway so I was thinking about my own dad. My biological father. I can't really call him a "father" seeing as how I've never met him. I never realized how much it really got to me. I mean I have a father figure in my life, but I just had this weird epiphany moment and so I wanted to write this letter mostly to my dad, but also to Drey's dad and all absentee fathers:
Dear (Absent) Father:
I used to be angry.
I used to be upset.
I used to wonder why we'd never met. Why I wasn't good enough for you to stick around. Why you missed all my firsts--steps, dates etc. Why you missed my graduations (I was the first one to finish college, ya know). Why it is growing up that I had to constantly explain to everyone that asked that I didn't have a dad. He wasn't dead--he just wasn't there. Do you have any idea what it's like to be 9 years old telling people my dad left before I was born? I am the definition of the word bastard.
Do you have any idea how your absence speaks to me? Any girl without a father or a man in her life will tell you, it leaves you feeling unworthy. And empty. And it affects you.
You say to yourself why didn't he love me? You say it a lot because you can't understand why you were rejected.
They say girls form relationships with men based on their fathers. I guess that's why my daughter's father is also absent. I choose someone just like you.
I used to get upset over your absence, but over the years I've just learned to deal. It's not my fault because I didn't ask and I didn't choose. And I understand that you were young and probably scared to death. I'm not absolving you I'm simply saying I understand. We all make bad choices at some point, and maybe if they're not too bad some can be corrected.
Maybe.
And maybe at this point it's too late for me. I don't need a father in my life because I am too old to be daddy's little girl.
That may sound angry, but how can I be angry at a stranger?
Really. I could pass you on the street today and be none the wiser.
I will say this...in case you were wondering-- I'm almost happy. My life has been far from perfect, but I'm still here.
One day I'd like to meet you, over lunch in some nice restaurant. You can tell me about the family I don't know--like how uncle so and so got drunk at the last family reunion. Tell me about my brothers and sisters (if I have any). Update me what's been going on with you. Look at pictures of your grandbaby and tell me how much she looks like me. Laugh with me over a few drinks--like we're friends or something. And then afterwards go our separate ways. Turn and walk in the opposite direction like you did 32 years ago--because then I'll know everything I wanted to know.
Dear (Absent) Father:
I used to be angry.
I used to be upset.
I used to wonder why we'd never met. Why I wasn't good enough for you to stick around. Why you missed all my firsts--steps, dates etc. Why you missed my graduations (I was the first one to finish college, ya know). Why it is growing up that I had to constantly explain to everyone that asked that I didn't have a dad. He wasn't dead--he just wasn't there. Do you have any idea what it's like to be 9 years old telling people my dad left before I was born? I am the definition of the word bastard.
Do you have any idea how your absence speaks to me? Any girl without a father or a man in her life will tell you, it leaves you feeling unworthy. And empty. And it affects you.
You say to yourself why didn't he love me? You say it a lot because you can't understand why you were rejected.
They say girls form relationships with men based on their fathers. I guess that's why my daughter's father is also absent. I choose someone just like you.
I used to get upset over your absence, but over the years I've just learned to deal. It's not my fault because I didn't ask and I didn't choose. And I understand that you were young and probably scared to death. I'm not absolving you I'm simply saying I understand. We all make bad choices at some point, and maybe if they're not too bad some can be corrected.
Maybe.
And maybe at this point it's too late for me. I don't need a father in my life because I am too old to be daddy's little girl.
That may sound angry, but how can I be angry at a stranger?
Really. I could pass you on the street today and be none the wiser.
I will say this...in case you were wondering-- I'm almost happy. My life has been far from perfect, but I'm still here.
One day I'd like to meet you, over lunch in some nice restaurant. You can tell me about the family I don't know--like how uncle so and so got drunk at the last family reunion. Tell me about my brothers and sisters (if I have any). Update me what's been going on with you. Look at pictures of your grandbaby and tell me how much she looks like me. Laugh with me over a few drinks--like we're friends or something. And then afterwards go our separate ways. Turn and walk in the opposite direction like you did 32 years ago--because then I'll know everything I wanted to know.
Like I said, I used to be angry. Until I realized that I would not be who I am had you been here.
I am a mother. I am a poet. I am a student. A friend. I am a daughter. I am your daughter. I am a stranger. I am...
ok without you.
Signed,
A Daughter Who Is No Longer Lost.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Episode 39- I've Always Got A Story to Tell
So I've been told I've always got a story to tell...
Well d'uh, I'm a writer. Can I help if my life is um...at least partially interesting...sometimes... lmao.
I went to Vegas last week...just got back yesterday. Won't tell the entire story, but the highlights include...
:)
Well d'uh, I'm a writer. Can I help if my life is um...at least partially interesting...sometimes... lmao.
I went to Vegas last week...just got back yesterday. Won't tell the entire story, but the highlights include...
- I missed my connection from Atlanta to Vegas because I got um...sidetracked...yeah that's a good word for it--by "the devil's advocate." *secret nod*
- I sat next to a crazy old guy on the plane who kept flirting with me and giving me Jack Daniel's shots
- I had a pretty good visit with my family with only minor drama
- My baby and I had a great day at the lake and she did absolutely fabulous at graduation
- I came home broke but breathing and otherwise happy
- I had a nice talk with the "Muse" (that's how I will refer to her from here on out) yesterday. Hmmmm... will have to see how that plays itself out...I'll explain that whole thing in another episode when I actually have more to tell.
As you can see my vacation was not without some adventure and story potential. I'm still jet lagged, but again...breathing... and if I had to take something away from this...I just want to be able to meditate on the following scene...because THIS speaks for itself
:)
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Episode 34- Easter with my family
I'm going to take a momentary break from my usual semi-snarky, semi-witty, observational commentary...but just for a moment, to reveal the soft side that not too many people seem to think I have.
Today is Easter Sunday. Instead of being with my family, I'm home alone blogging. My parents and daughter are on the west coast, the rest of my family is in Ohio. I couldn't make either trip this time around. I miss them. Even if I don't tell them enough.
Easter is the one holiday in my family that usually gets us all together. In my youth, these family gatherings would be split between my grandmother's and her sister's--my great aunt's-- house. At my grandmother's we would do Easter breakfast. I would get to drink coffee--even at age 7. I would wake up early looking for my basket from "the Easter Bunny." I knew even then, that my basket came from the hands of my mom and grandmother. After breakfast I would don my Easter dress either for church or for the trip over to my great-aunt's. We would dye eggs, hunt for them in my grandmother's back yard. Eat cake that my mother and I or my aunt would bring. One year we made finger toffee. My older cousins/uncles who thought they knew everything, got their hands stuck together in molasses.
My grandmother died of cancer just after Easter 1984.
Every Easter after that one became significant. My family moved around some and eventually fractured over the next couple of years with the back to back deaths of my grandfather and step-grandfather. We spend most subsequent Easter Sundays at the home of my great aunt. It usually goes something like this...a crowd of family and friends in the neighborhood of 25-50 people, church, a huge dinner, an Easter egg hunt for the kids, a liquor bottle hunt for the adults (using miniature bottles) and hours spent jumping on the moon bounce (my family owns one) in the front yard or playing video games or bean bag toss in the garage.
My cousins and I got older and it became our kids on Easter Sunday hunting for eggs, jumping on the moon bounce. I bounce with them. I play Easter bunny, fixing baskets for the kids. I watch them play in their Easter Sunday clothes as we, now parents, urge them not to mess them up. My mom, now mamaw and my great aunt and the older adults talk in the living room or smoke in the second kitchen at the back of the house. My family, for better or worse, seems like a family.
Today is Easter Sunday. And instead of being with my family, I'm home alone blogging. And I miss them. Even if I don't tell them enough.
Today is Easter Sunday. Instead of being with my family, I'm home alone blogging. My parents and daughter are on the west coast, the rest of my family is in Ohio. I couldn't make either trip this time around. I miss them. Even if I don't tell them enough.
Easter is the one holiday in my family that usually gets us all together. In my youth, these family gatherings would be split between my grandmother's and her sister's--my great aunt's-- house. At my grandmother's we would do Easter breakfast. I would get to drink coffee--even at age 7. I would wake up early looking for my basket from "the Easter Bunny." I knew even then, that my basket came from the hands of my mom and grandmother. After breakfast I would don my Easter dress either for church or for the trip over to my great-aunt's. We would dye eggs, hunt for them in my grandmother's back yard. Eat cake that my mother and I or my aunt would bring. One year we made finger toffee. My older cousins/uncles who thought they knew everything, got their hands stuck together in molasses.
My grandmother died of cancer just after Easter 1984.
Every Easter after that one became significant. My family moved around some and eventually fractured over the next couple of years with the back to back deaths of my grandfather and step-grandfather. We spend most subsequent Easter Sundays at the home of my great aunt. It usually goes something like this...a crowd of family and friends in the neighborhood of 25-50 people, church, a huge dinner, an Easter egg hunt for the kids, a liquor bottle hunt for the adults (using miniature bottles) and hours spent jumping on the moon bounce (my family owns one) in the front yard or playing video games or bean bag toss in the garage.
My cousins and I got older and it became our kids on Easter Sunday hunting for eggs, jumping on the moon bounce. I bounce with them. I play Easter bunny, fixing baskets for the kids. I watch them play in their Easter Sunday clothes as we, now parents, urge them not to mess them up. My mom, now mamaw and my great aunt and the older adults talk in the living room or smoke in the second kitchen at the back of the house. My family, for better or worse, seems like a family.
Today is Easter Sunday. And instead of being with my family, I'm home alone blogging. And I miss them. Even if I don't tell them enough.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
(Finally?) Happy New Year
New Years always reminds me of that scene in Forrest Gump:
I feel a lot like that.
I'm spending my New Year's alone.
Sorta by choice. I knew ahead of time that S and I would not be together on New Year's so in that respect I was content with the situation seeing as how there's really nothing either of us can do about it. I could've gone out to party, but honestly I have no desire to be around anyone and celebrating when truly I don't have much to celebrate. I have my health and my family's health and a great kid and such but truth be told I really feel sorta...
empty
Does that sound weird? I mean I'm drained emotionally from all the b.s. I've had to deal with this year ("killa kung fu wolf bitch" as my friend Kyle called her, immediately comes to mind-but that is another story). I feel like I have accomplished nothing--or at least not much. I want things to be better in so many places in my life. I know that in order for that to happen I need to clear some things with certain people and issues in my life.
Since I am going to be celebrating alone tonight, I thought I would bring it in with a sense of peace because I want that to carry over into the new year--a hot bath, a pedicure, a glass of champagne, my pen and a playlist to meditate with.
I don't have any resolutions this year except the one I discussed with S yesterday--that I will save too for another blog because believe me it is well worthy of it's own Jerry Springer moment. lol. It is what it is, right S? lol
If anything, I just want my new year to be...happy, finally.
I feel a lot like that.
I'm spending my New Year's alone.
Sorta by choice. I knew ahead of time that S and I would not be together on New Year's so in that respect I was content with the situation seeing as how there's really nothing either of us can do about it. I could've gone out to party, but honestly I have no desire to be around anyone and celebrating when truly I don't have much to celebrate. I have my health and my family's health and a great kid and such but truth be told I really feel sorta...
empty
Does that sound weird? I mean I'm drained emotionally from all the b.s. I've had to deal with this year ("killa kung fu wolf bitch" as my friend Kyle called her, immediately comes to mind-but that is another story). I feel like I have accomplished nothing--or at least not much. I want things to be better in so many places in my life. I know that in order for that to happen I need to clear some things with certain people and issues in my life.
Since I am going to be celebrating alone tonight, I thought I would bring it in with a sense of peace because I want that to carry over into the new year--a hot bath, a pedicure, a glass of champagne, my pen and a playlist to meditate with.
I don't have any resolutions this year except the one I discussed with S yesterday--that I will save too for another blog because believe me it is well worthy of it's own Jerry Springer moment. lol. It is what it is, right S? lol
If anything, I just want my new year to be...happy, finally.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Episode 13- Mixed Nuts
There's an article posted today called:
How Visiting Family Warps Your Brain
LMAO!!! Woo boy, I know they must've been talking about me and the nuts I call relatives. Check out this IM I got from my BFF about the article:
roni: hey u see on yahoo how visiting your family warps your brain?
dd6998: YES!!! ROTFL
roni: i know!!
roni: lmao
dd6998: why does that not surprise me?
roni: look at ur family
roni: rotlf
dd6998: EXACTLY!!! ROTFL
That's a shame my best friend of 30 years knows how jacked up we are. LMAO. Why lie. I'm cool with it. I accept that I will never change them. But that's ok. Actually they only drove me slightly nuts at Christmas this year. I told you the pointy end of the stick was off me this time. 
Plus I spent some time with my cousins in the evening after baby girl went to sleep which kept me out of the house and away from the dreaded conversation. Nothing like kicking back with some beer and Guitar Hero to take your mind off things. Yeah I said it...lmao.
Plus I spent some time with my cousins in the evening after baby girl went to sleep which kept me out of the house and away from the dreaded conversation. Nothing like kicking back with some beer and Guitar Hero to take your mind off things. Yeah I said it...lmao.As you can see, this nut didn't fall too far from the family tree either.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Episode 12- As Seen on TV
4 kids out of wedlock
3 days of my step dad leaving
2 hours of wrapping gifts
1 nagging mother
and a partridge in a pear tree.
Welcome to Christmas with my family.
I should be happy. I'm with my daughter. I love being here with her for Christmas. I'm thankful. I'm blessed. That's really all I wanted. Nothing else.
Still sad though. Wish S was here too. Haven't had the talk with the family about THAT yet. Don't think S is ready to be around them. Don't think I am ready for that yet.
If I wasn't for lil D I would almost rather be home right now.
Not that I don't love my family. I do. But...
I don't know I get a little weird on these visits. I don't know how to explain it. I'm listening to my mom and my great aunt talk about the family (they do this every visit) and the more I listen I'm realizing we are severely screwed up.
Like...ok I'm listening to my mother speaking to my aunt talking about how her ex husband is a bastard and isn't doing shit for anyone--not even their grandson for Christmas. And then I'm listening to my mother talking about how my step dad left on Saturday to go visit a friend of his...he just came back today (it's a weird complicated situation with them and I don't have enough energy to explain it). And then I know it's gonna be crazy tomorrow because we have 4 new babies in the family this year--one of my cousins had TWO with TWO different women. Which is actually a good thing cause then that takes some of the pressure of me to get the pointy end of the life lecture this year. And on and on and on.
See you have to understand, my family is VERY blunt and honest about how they feel. Which is good cause you know they won't lie to you, but bad in that you're going to hear it whether you want to or not--that's ASKING for drama. Which is why am up at 2 am stressing out. I mean it could be worse. In the back of my head I know this. My family is no better or worse than most, but, i don't know... maybe you have to be here to understand.
See, when it comes down to it, I come from a line of country folk with Jerry Springer issues. And I can deny it all I want but I fit in. And maybe that's what fucks with me... I know that I'll never be better than that. So when the food starts flying tomorrow maybe I shouldn't feel so bad. At least I know I'm not the only one.
3 days of my step dad leaving
2 hours of wrapping gifts
1 nagging mother
and a partridge in a pear tree.
Welcome to Christmas with my family.
I should be happy. I'm with my daughter. I love being here with her for Christmas. I'm thankful. I'm blessed. That's really all I wanted. Nothing else.
Still sad though. Wish S was here too. Haven't had the talk with the family about THAT yet. Don't think S is ready to be around them. Don't think I am ready for that yet.
If I wasn't for lil D I would almost rather be home right now.
Not that I don't love my family. I do. But...
I don't know I get a little weird on these visits. I don't know how to explain it. I'm listening to my mom and my great aunt talk about the family (they do this every visit) and the more I listen I'm realizing we are severely screwed up.
Like...ok I'm listening to my mother speaking to my aunt talking about how her ex husband is a bastard and isn't doing shit for anyone--not even their grandson for Christmas. And then I'm listening to my mother talking about how my step dad left on Saturday to go visit a friend of his...he just came back today (it's a weird complicated situation with them and I don't have enough energy to explain it). And then I know it's gonna be crazy tomorrow because we have 4 new babies in the family this year--one of my cousins had TWO with TWO different women. Which is actually a good thing cause then that takes some of the pressure of me to get the pointy end of the life lecture this year. And on and on and on.
See you have to understand, my family is VERY blunt and honest about how they feel. Which is good cause you know they won't lie to you, but bad in that you're going to hear it whether you want to or not--that's ASKING for drama. Which is why am up at 2 am stressing out. I mean it could be worse. In the back of my head I know this. My family is no better or worse than most, but, i don't know... maybe you have to be here to understand.
See, when it comes down to it, I come from a line of country folk with Jerry Springer issues. And I can deny it all I want but I fit in. And maybe that's what fucks with me... I know that I'll never be better than that. So when the food starts flying tomorrow maybe I shouldn't feel so bad. At least I know I'm not the only one.
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