Episode 41- Letter to My Father

i wrote this about 6 months ago... never posted it, but I figure today it is appropriate.

I don't know why I about to do what I am about to do...but here goes...

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my family over the past week. Was speaking to family member and the subject of Drey's dad came up...they know the story. I don't even mention his name in a sentence anymore.

(I have this seriously uncanny ability to talk up and/or predict things at random. I am soooo not trying to talk up that man-- I won't even mention his name)

Anyway so I was thinking about my own dad. My biological father. I can't really call him a "father" seeing as how I've never met him. I never realized how much it really got to me. I mean I have a father figure in my life, but I just had this weird epiphany moment and so I wanted to write this letter mostly to my dad, but also to Drey's dad and all absentee fathers:

Dear (Absent) Father:

I used to be angry.

I used to be upset.

I used to wonder why we'd never met. Why I wasn't good enough for you to stick around. Why you missed all my firsts--steps, dates etc. Why you missed my graduations (I was the first one to finish college, ya know). Why it is growing up that I had to constantly explain to everyone that asked that I didn't have a dad. He wasn't dead--he just wasn't there. Do you have any idea what it's like to be 9 years old telling people my dad left before I was born? I am the definition of the word bastard.

Do you have any idea how your absence speaks to me? Any girl without a father or a man in her life will tell you, it leaves you feeling unworthy. And empty. And it affects you.

You say to yourself why didn't he love me? You say it a lot because you can't understand why you were rejected.

They say girls form relationships with men based on their fathers. I guess that's why my daughter's father is also absent. I choose someone just like you.

I used to get upset over your absence, but over the years I've just learned to deal. It's not my fault because I didn't ask and I didn't choose. And I understand that you were young and probably scared to death. I'm not absolving you I'm simply saying I understand. We all make bad choices at some point, and maybe if they're not too bad some can be corrected.

Maybe.

And maybe at this point it's too late for me. I don't need a father in my life because I am too old to be daddy's little girl.

That may sound angry, but how can I be angry at a stranger?

Really. I could pass you on the street today and be none the wiser.

I will say this...in case you were wondering-- I'm almost happy. My life has been far from perfect, but I'm still here.

One day I'd like to meet you, over lunch in some nice restaurant. You can tell me about the family I don't know--like how uncle so and so got drunk at the last family reunion. Tell me about my brothers and sisters (if I have any). Update me what's been going on with you. Look at pictures of your grandbaby and tell me how much she looks like me. Laugh with me over a few drinks--like we're friends or something. And then afterwards go our separate ways. Turn and walk in the opposite direction like you did 32 years ago--because then I'll know everything I wanted to know.

Like I said, I used to be angry. Until I realized that I would not be who I am had you been here.

I am a mother. I am a poet. I am a student. A friend. I am a daughter. I am your daughter. I am a stranger. I am...

ok without you.

Signed,

A Daughter Who Is No Longer Lost.

Episode 17- What you Won't Do For Love

One of my very good friends offered me this piece of sage advice a few years ago.

She said, just because you love somebody doesn't mean you should be with them.

It's true.

Sometimes you do what you can and things just don't fall into place. It happens like that.

I still love S, despite whatever. But I know it doesn't work for us to be together. We can't seem to get on the same page about anything.

My "big brother" as much as he tries to deny it...still has feelings for his baby mama. Granted he's well aware of the fact that she a psychopath in every sense of the word.

My other friend Liz, as much as she complains about her husband...and he did do her dirty, I know she loves him, but at the same time I don't know if she wants to be married to him.

I say all the time that I think people make relationships more complicated than they need to be. But love is a complicated thing. It will make you do the most unthinkable, retarded stuff you have every done. It will make you lose all rationale and common sense. Whoever originally said it's better to have loved and lost... probably committed suicide and died a virgin. I'm neither cynical nor jaded, I'm just saying...

My question then becomes what's worse...letting go and starting over (with the hope that you might or might not get it right with someone else)? or staying in hoping that things will get better (with the possibility that they won't)?

The answer is...

Episode 16- Aaaaaand We're Done

It's official.

It's over.

I don't even know how I feel.

Sad? Relieved? Confused?

Episode 15- To Be or Not to Be. Who the Hell Cares

I just came across a very interesting discussion on the new social networking site I've been playing with--I'm so addicted...lol. Anyway, I'm paraphrasing, but the question pertained to if you are gay/lesbian/bisexual/whatever whether or not you necessarily need to "come out" to people. Key word being need.

The short version of my answer (in typical me fashion) was:

What? is it like graduating from college? Do I need to write formal announcements and handwritten cards that say "thank you for accepting me" I don't feel like I NEED to come out anymore than I NEED to announce that I'm black. I am what I am. If either one makes a difference in the way you deal with me then you don't NEED to deal with me...

Oh for the record I am bisexual. Have been for a minute. Go figure.

Just so we're clear, I am neither confused or fence straddling. I hate labels. To say I am a lesbian would be completely inaccurate. I still like and/or appreciate men--just so happens I like and/or appreciate women too. It is what it is and I am cool with it. My girlfriend is very aware of it and to this point is cool with it (yes, put two and two together S is a girl--makes so much more sense now huh?).

Yes, I put myself out there, but go back a few sentences... if it makes a difference, in fact if I've grown a third head in the last 30 seconds please let me know. I feel like at this point I'm grown, the hell I have to worry about. Anyone who knows me in the least shouldn't be surprised by anything I say or do anyway. I think I killed my shock value years ago...lol.

Anyway back to the original question...

Whether I think you "need" to come out. Honestly I think you should only tell people on a need to know basis. Um.. the people you are sleeping with or potentially trying to sleep with--need to know. Co-workers--don't need to know unless you're prepared to have them all up in your business. My friends need to (and do) know (how awkward would conversations about our love lives be otherwise...rotfl). My family, some know some don't. This has been a source of conflict with me and S for a few months. I haven't told my mom and step dad up to this point because we'd been going through so much shit I really didn't feel it was appropriate to drop that piece of news on them. I think I dropped enough bombs over baghdad in 2008.

However, last two visits with my mom since the move, I actually tried to tell her. Never happened, not for lack of trying though--she cut me off before I could get to the good part. I mean I could call my mom on the phone and tell her, but I believe that this conversation should take place in person.

This resulted in a long drawn out unnecessary argument with S about a week or two ago. Now, she told her mom--against my advice. Her mother is in somewhat ill health and far more conservative than mine--not to mention she decided to wait until we were in the middle of a break-up to do it. Why, I have no idea, but she made her own bed with that one. Whatever--that is neither here nor there.

So back to the question...

Is it necessary to "come out"?

Or my question, what precisely am I "coming out" of since I have never been in. And even if I do, does it matter and who cares...

Fuck the existential question.

(Finally?) Happy New Year

New Years always reminds me of that scene in Forrest Gump:





I feel a lot like that.

I'm spending my New Year's alone.

Sorta by choice. I knew ahead of time that S and I would not be together on New Year's so in that respect I was content with the situation seeing as how there's really nothing either of us can do about it. I could've gone out to party, but honestly I have no desire to be around anyone and celebrating when truly I don't have much to celebrate. I have my health and my family's health and a great kid and such but truth be told I really feel sorta...

empty

Does that sound weird? I mean I'm drained emotionally from all the b.s. I've had to deal with this year ("killa kung fu wolf bitch" as my friend Kyle called her, immediately comes to mind-but that is another story). I feel like I have accomplished nothing--or at least not much. I want things to be better in so many places in my life. I know that in order for that to happen I need to clear some things with certain people and issues in my life.

Since I am going to be celebrating alone tonight, I thought I would bring it in with a sense of peace because I want that to carry over into the new year--a hot bath, a pedicure, a glass of champagne, my pen and a playlist to meditate with.

I don't have any resolutions this year except the one I discussed with S yesterday--that I will save too for another blog because believe me it is well worthy of it's own Jerry Springer moment. lol. It is what it is, right S? lol

If anything, I just want my new year to be...happy, finally.

Episode 13- Mixed Nuts

There's an article posted today called:

How Visiting Family Warps Your Brain

http://dsc.discovery.com/news/2008/12/29/family-brain.html

LMAO!!! Woo boy, I know they must've been talking about me and the nuts I call relatives. Check out this IM I got from my BFF about the article:

roni: hey u see on yahoo how visiting your family warps your brain?

dd6998: YES!!! ROTFL

roni: i know!!

roni: lmao

dd6998: why does that not surprise me?

roni: look at ur family

roni: rotlf

dd6998: EXACTLY!!! ROTFL

That's a shame my best friend of 30 years knows how jacked up we are. LMAO. Why lie. I'm cool with it. I accept that I will never change them. But that's ok. Actually they only drove me slightly nuts at Christmas this year. I told you the pointy end of the stick was off me this time. Plus I spent some time with my cousins in the evening after baby girl went to sleep which kept me out of the house and away from the dreaded conversation. Nothing like kicking back with some beer and Guitar Hero to take your mind off things. Yeah I said it...lmao.

As you can see, this nut didn't fall too far from the family tree either.

Episode 12- As Seen on TV

4 kids out of wedlock
3 days of my step dad leaving
2 hours of wrapping gifts
1 nagging mother

and a partridge in a pear tree.

Welcome to Christmas with my family.

I should be happy. I'm with my daughter. I love being here with her for Christmas. I'm thankful. I'm blessed. That's really all I wanted. Nothing else.

Still sad though. Wish S was here too. Haven't had the talk with the family about THAT yet. Don't think S is ready to be around them. Don't think I am ready for that yet.

If I wasn't for lil D I would almost rather be home right now.

Not that I don't love my family. I do. But...

I don't know I get a little weird on these visits. I don't know how to explain it. I'm listening to my mom and my great aunt talk about the family (they do this every visit) and the more I listen I'm realizing we are severely screwed up.

Like...ok I'm listening to my mother speaking to my aunt talking about how her ex husband is a bastard and isn't doing shit for anyone--not even their grandson for Christmas. And then I'm listening to my mother talking about how my step dad left on Saturday to go visit a friend of his...he just came back today (it's a weird complicated situation with them and I don't have enough energy to explain it). And then I know it's gonna be crazy tomorrow because we have 4 new babies in the family this year--one of my cousins had TWO with TWO different women. Which is actually a good thing cause then that takes some of the pressure of me to get the pointy end of the life lecture this year. And on and on and on.

See you have to understand, my family is VERY blunt and honest about how they feel. Which is good cause you know they won't lie to you, but bad in that you're going to hear it whether you want to or not--that's ASKING for drama. Which is why am up at 2 am stressing out. I mean it could be worse. In the back of my head I know this. My family is no better or worse than most, but, i don't know... maybe you have to be here to understand.

See, when it comes down to it, I come from a line of country folk with Jerry Springer issues. And I can deny it all I want but I fit in. And maybe that's what fucks with me... I know that I'll never be better than that. So when the food starts flying tomorrow maybe I shouldn't feel so bad. At least I know I'm not the only one.