I Thought This Was Supposed to Get Better

I tried so hard to come into this year with a fresh attitude and a new resolve (not resolutions, but actual resolve!!!)...yeah don't know how that's working out for me--not so good so far.

School is good--kicking my ass, but good. Plus one for that.

Work--not so much. Like my job, but... frustrated. Minus one. Actually if you count the fact that I had to induce a n***a moment yesterday, minus two.

Family--nice holiday, but kinda sliding back toward the bs factor. Zero.

Friends-- need to hang out with them more. I feel like I've not been the best friend. Minus one for me.

Personal--the BB situation. When I got back from Vegas we spoke at length and there was (I thought) some progress and development, but a week later it went right back to the bullshit. Don't know why I expected anything different. Minus 10--Epic FAIL!

At this point it's a crap shoot I guess...

I'm done.

30 Day Challenge- Day 8, A Moment

I'll call this moment "the writing session"

Me.

Standing at the edge of the beach. It's pitch black and beautiful. We'd been sitting out there for about an hour before deciding to walk to water. Lighting is flashing way out over the ocean. Every time it does all you see is just the very edges and outlines of the clouds. But it's warm and breezy where I'm standing. The water just keeps running over my bare feet.

I've got my notebook in one hand.

and I wished I had a certain person's hand in the other.

30 Day Challenge 3- My Parents

This should be pretty easy.

I have a rather unconventional family. I don't know my dad's side of the family. I was raised by my mom and I have (for lack of a better description) a "step dad." Their whole deal is kinda convoluted and I stopped asking years ago--lol. They're not married but they've been together more on than off for the better part of 25 years. I just refer to them as the odd couple.

The 'rents are both retired. They're not that old but they're drifting into the realm of only wanting to do "old people stuff" like go to senior day at the local casino (though neither is even old enough to get social security...so again, not that old...lol).

In their past lives (lol) my mom was Wonder Woman--still is. She's the ONE person I would NEVER want to get in a fight with even if she weren't my mom (ex cop, ex military, martial artist). My step dad was/is a electrical/electronics geek who can take apart and put computers back together. They both have their quirks. I have a odd but strangely normal relationship with them. I love them even when they get on my ever lasting nerves which is frequently...lol. But, I wouldn't trade them. Eh! That's about it.

Episode 67- The F*%CK Up

I realize I am a lot of times really hard on myself--especially when it comes to my writing and my performances.

So last night I had a chance to audition in front of A&R for a major label...yeah, tell me why on any given night I can blow 'em out of the water and last night I would've begged for the sandman to pull my ass off stage like I was at the Apollo.

First, I FORGOT!!!!!!! (WTF?) as in blanked out, on a piece I have done like 650 times--

Normally this would not be a big deal, breathe in slow down start over...EXCEPT... I had decided to do the poem over music. So now I'm struggling to pick up and my timing is off and then it was deja vu Philadelphia--the mic cut off, not once but TWICE. Now not only am I struggling to stay on point but I'm doing mic handoffs midset, the AC is broken so I'm sweating like a runaway slave. FML. This just looks, feels and sounds like a scene from a very BAD movie.

Ugh.

sooooooo...needless to say I didn't make the cut for the project I was auditioning for. Sucks to be me. Maybe next time.

Episode 62- The Twilight Zone

So last week for me officially qualified as the weirdest week in the history of the universe. Normally, my stories might be drama filled, but I try to keep it light and funny.

This past week, not so much.

I swear to you, I've never had so much happen at the same time...some of it good, most of it very bad. Culminating with a very psychedelic trip to the ER...courtesy of stress induced insomnia and a few too many sleeping pills. Note to self: I will NEVER take so much as a vitamin again as long as I live.

I don't even know where to begin with this, so I won't...other than to say it's defintely a story for the books--hence why I even make mention of it, but I pray to leave this week way back like a bad memory--close this worm hole in the space time continuum and hope that things get better ASAP.

Episode 50- Life

I think I've tried to write and re-write this episode 4 or 5 times. Sigh!

I've been in hermit mode again...but this isn't a bad thing. Trying to get some things situated and work on my book. I'm mildly stressed--no more than usual, especially this time of year-- but ok. I'm working through some things but I have faith they will all come together.

Very odd...despite it all I feel very calm. This is a little abnormal for me. Old me would be stressed to the hilt and upset. New me trusts that it will be done the way it's supposed to be.

On a more good news/bad news note...so P got her book published. It's out, it's done, but it has caused quite a bit of controversy and revelation and family drama prior to the holidays. That's not great news but--with the exception of one thing it was pretty much what I expected would happen. What I didn't completely expect was how much it would change people BEFORE they even read it. Me included, though I did read it obviously.

Been a weird week--so for Sunday I say, let's try this again...sigh! Let's hope/pray things get better.

Episode 46- Life, Love and the Pursuit of...something that resembles happiness

It's not just me. It's everyone I know...going through things.

It's in the atmosphere. It's background to everything-- even when I have a smile on my face. I'm plotting, I'm planning, I'm forcefully trying to pull my life in another, more positive direction. Life fights me. I fight back. It is what it is. I live, I breathe in and I write. I share bits and pieces of myself so I can remember what got me here in the first place.

The point is... I am here...wherever "here" is at this stage in my life. I'm approaching another birthday in a few weeks. And the only thing I want...

Happiness.

Wrap it up in a box. I get it in fleeting moments, but I want it at least with some degree of consistency. I'm not asking for world peace, just steady peace of mind. I realize that life is not going to go easy on me just because I want it to, but something has got to give...or at least make it a fair fight. I feel like David with a slingshot and a handful of rocks, but my aim is off (I am so using that in a poem...lol).

My point being if I could just get that one thing...everything else would fall into place

...if only. Le grand sigh!

I Got My Ass Kicked By Life and That B!+@h is Wearing Steel Toe Boots

...I think that would be a great book title. Sigh!

Episode 44- the 'L' word

I have inexplicably and inadventantly become a matchmaker of sorts within the last couple of weeks...

A few episodes back I wrote about the online group that I now moderate. Well as it turns out, in the last few weeks two different sets of people have managed to find a love connection. Go figure!

That in and of itself was not completely unexpected, the matched couples however were... lol.

Couple #1 I'll call "Angie" and "DJ" came together after a tug of war between DJ and a third party.

Couple #2 I'll call "Claudia" and "Nic"... well basically Nic outright stole Claudia from underneath someone else...lol.

By default I've become the person that all of them come to for advice, although I try to reserve my commentary for any number of reasons, not the least of which is I have a vested interest and a natural conflict of interest in all parties involved, ya dig?

So this morning, I managed to get them all together in a conference call session...which was hilarity in and of itself, but somewhere in the middle of sideline commentary...

the L word got dropped.

It was dropped between Nic and Claudia mutually. This I knew, but to have it confirmed...

When I left the conversation to go to a meeting, Nic had confirmed to Angie (sideline of course) that indeed the L word had been used. Funny thing was, as Angie was telling me the story, she proceeded to tell me that she was/is prepared to drop. the. L. word as well. (and since I started writing this-- DJ has said the L word is in play with Angie)

Blink. Blink.

Needless to say I was (still am) stunned. Speechless in fact.

See, me, (not that I believe any of them are guilty of this) I can't see throwing "Love" out there lightly. Yes I actually said it... L.O.V.E. the dreaded LOVE.

I'm the type of person who will only say it if I mean it. I don't want to drag anyone's emotions through the dirt and I damn sure don't want to say it and get...


*crickets*


On top of that, I've never been a forwardly emotional person. Besides that word is very, very powerful and once it is out there, you ever notice that you suddenly feel obligated to respond to it?

Hence my hesitancy to even use it in the first place. It tends to complicate things anyway.

However...

I will freely admit right here right now...

I am not "in love"

You thought I was going to say I was... LMAO... um...no.

Matter of fact, just had a whole long conversation about this. I'll say the door is slightly ajar at best, but if anyone thinks I'm opening it up anytime soon...they'll be sorely disappointed. Contrary to what you think, I'm gangsta leaning against it to keep it closed and I will duct tape it and nail it and super glue if I have to before I go dropping "love" all willy nilly...no matter how much I might like you...and I do like you, but um...it's NOT that serious, thank you! LMAO. At the same time though, I'm not one to tell someone else how they feel or how they're supposed to feel or even when they are supposed to feel it.

That being said... I am now watching two very happy couples in "love" and thinking to myself...

There but for a shut and locked door and a healthy dose of cynicism and skepticism goes I.

Episode 41- Letter to My Father

i wrote this about 6 months ago... never posted it, but I figure today it is appropriate.

I don't know why I about to do what I am about to do...but here goes...

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my family over the past week. Was speaking to family member and the subject of Drey's dad came up...they know the story. I don't even mention his name in a sentence anymore.

(I have this seriously uncanny ability to talk up and/or predict things at random. I am soooo not trying to talk up that man-- I won't even mention his name)

Anyway so I was thinking about my own dad. My biological father. I can't really call him a "father" seeing as how I've never met him. I never realized how much it really got to me. I mean I have a father figure in my life, but I just had this weird epiphany moment and so I wanted to write this letter mostly to my dad, but also to Drey's dad and all absentee fathers:

Dear (Absent) Father:

I used to be angry.

I used to be upset.

I used to wonder why we'd never met. Why I wasn't good enough for you to stick around. Why you missed all my firsts--steps, dates etc. Why you missed my graduations (I was the first one to finish college, ya know). Why it is growing up that I had to constantly explain to everyone that asked that I didn't have a dad. He wasn't dead--he just wasn't there. Do you have any idea what it's like to be 9 years old telling people my dad left before I was born? I am the definition of the word bastard.

Do you have any idea how your absence speaks to me? Any girl without a father or a man in her life will tell you, it leaves you feeling unworthy. And empty. And it affects you.

You say to yourself why didn't he love me? You say it a lot because you can't understand why you were rejected.

They say girls form relationships with men based on their fathers. I guess that's why my daughter's father is also absent. I choose someone just like you.

I used to get upset over your absence, but over the years I've just learned to deal. It's not my fault because I didn't ask and I didn't choose. And I understand that you were young and probably scared to death. I'm not absolving you I'm simply saying I understand. We all make bad choices at some point, and maybe if they're not too bad some can be corrected.

Maybe.

And maybe at this point it's too late for me. I don't need a father in my life because I am too old to be daddy's little girl.

That may sound angry, but how can I be angry at a stranger?

Really. I could pass you on the street today and be none the wiser.

I will say this...in case you were wondering-- I'm almost happy. My life has been far from perfect, but I'm still here.

One day I'd like to meet you, over lunch in some nice restaurant. You can tell me about the family I don't know--like how uncle so and so got drunk at the last family reunion. Tell me about my brothers and sisters (if I have any). Update me what's been going on with you. Look at pictures of your grandbaby and tell me how much she looks like me. Laugh with me over a few drinks--like we're friends or something. And then afterwards go our separate ways. Turn and walk in the opposite direction like you did 32 years ago--because then I'll know everything I wanted to know.

Like I said, I used to be angry. Until I realized that I would not be who I am had you been here.

I am a mother. I am a poet. I am a student. A friend. I am a daughter. I am your daughter. I am a stranger. I am...

ok without you.

Signed,

A Daughter Who Is No Longer Lost.

Episode 39- I've Always Got A Story to Tell

So I've been told I've always got a story to tell...

Well d'uh, I'm a writer. Can I help if my life is um...at least partially interesting...sometimes... lmao.

I went to Vegas last week...just got back yesterday. Won't tell the entire story, but the highlights include...

• I missed my connection from Atlanta to Vegas because I got um...sidetracked...yeah that's a good word for it--by "the devil's advocate." *secret nod*
• I sat next to a crazy old guy on the plane who kept flirting with me and giving me Jack Daniel's shots
• I had a pretty good visit with my family with only minor drama
• My baby and I had a great day at the lake and she did absolutely fabulous at graduation
• I came home broke but breathing and otherwise happy
• I had a nice talk with the "Muse" (that's how I will refer to her from here on out) yesterday. Hmmmm... will have to see how that plays itself out...I'll explain that whole thing in another episode when I actually have more to tell.

As you can see my vacation was not without some adventure and story potential. I'm still jet lagged, but again...breathing... and if I had to take something away from this...I just want to be able to meditate on the following scene...because THIS speaks for itself

:)

Episode 22- Adventures in Dating (Retroactive)

On one of my favorite social networking sites, there was a good discussion post today (which actually brewed over into a virtual catfight which is ongoing even as I am posting this up...that's a whole other blog post though...tune in for the next episode and maybe I'll have a conclusion)

Anywho, the original question posted to a women's group was something to the effect of what's the worst lie a man has ever told you? did you forgive him, and if so why?

I have some stories I could tell. Hence why I named my blog Jerry Springer Moments--because incredible, overdramatic, almost unbelievable soap opera-esqe stories are always happening to me. And were I not there to experience them I almost wouldn't believe them. Soooo I'm going to reprint the story I posted in response to the question. I swear all of this is true, I only changed the names:

I dated this man for a year while I was in college. It was long distance because I went to school out of state, but he was making these 6 hours trip to come see me nearly every weekend or I would come either home to DC or we'd meet up in NYC where his family lived. Like I said this went on for about a year. Things were fantastic...I had met all of his family, stayed at his mother's house one weekend, all that.

Ok, he joined the military and about a year into our relationship he told me he had a choice of getting stationed either at a base about a half hour from where I went to school, or to a base in Georgia. Well he decided on Georgia.

One weekend right about the time he was supposed to be leaving, we were both home and we had this huge blow out fight, and he told me he was leaving early the next day to start moving stuff down to GA. So like 2-3 in the afternoon that next day, I go pick up my best friend from her apartment building and I go to get in the elevator and as the doors opens this fool gets off carrying boxes and behind him is this random chick also carrying boxes. He says "hi" to me and keeps walking!!!!! My other friend had to snatch me back in the elevator before I could make a scene. I tell my best friend and we're ready to go looking for him, when...he gets off the elevator on the floor we're on. Walks over to my best friend, tries to hug her and then me. Random chick just kept walking past.

Well of course when I finally got a chance to call this fool out, the lie he gave me was that he didn't know the girl like that and his uncle paid him to help this girl move her stuff out of her apartment so he did it so he'd have some extra funds to travel on...

That might have been reasonbly plausible...IF...it wasn't for the fact that the random chick just by sheer coincidence happened to live across the hall from my best friend. We ran into her again a few days later and asked her. Turns out, SHE WAS HIS FIANCEE. They'd been together for TWO YEARS (which techinically made me the other woman--but I was the public front, his family had never met her). She was packing up to move to Georgia with him!! So I told her EVERYTHING. I think that despite that she still moved down there---at least for a little while. Me on the other hand, I rolled out baseball bat in hand ready to confront him but he pulled a Ron Browz and jumped out the window.

Funny thing is...like 2 or 3 years later he somehow got my email address and wrote me an apology

Again true story! I snuck into his apartment building behind a pizza delivery guy (because he lived in a security building) and rolled up in my kick ass gear with a baseball bat in hand. I left it at the front door of the apartment when I saw his grandmother and two of his uncles standing there. Ol boy was drinking a beer. When he saw me come in you'd have thought he saw Lucifer in the flesh. He went the back way out of the kitchen and jumped off the second story balcony. LMAO.

A year went by before I saw him again in a mall parking lot and I refused to speak to him...

Then like another year or two after that, out of nowhere he sent me an email basically apologizing for the whole thing. I was shocked needless to say. Also needless to say, we obviously never got back together, but we manage to actually keep in touch every now and then. He never did marry the other chick, but he stayed in the military for awhile, got shipped overseas, ended up having a son and last I heard was a pretty successful DJ somewhere in this area.

I look back on that whole thing as both a comedy and a life lesson. Glad I can laugh about it now. Like I said before if it hadn't happened to me I almost wouldn't believe it. But that's what defines a good Jerry Springer Moment I guess...

And my final thought: If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

-D

Episode 17- What you Won't Do For Love

One of my very good friends offered me this piece of sage advice a few years ago.

She said, just because you love somebody doesn't mean you should be with them.

It's true.

Sometimes you do what you can and things just don't fall into place. It happens like that.

I still love S, despite whatever. But I know it doesn't work for us to be together. We can't seem to get on the same page about anything.

My "big brother" as much as he tries to deny it...still has feelings for his baby mama. Granted he's well aware of the fact that she a psychopath in every sense of the word.

My other friend Liz, as much as she complains about her husband...and he did do her dirty, I know she loves him, but at the same time I don't know if she wants to be married to him.

I say all the time that I think people make relationships more complicated than they need to be. But love is a complicated thing. It will make you do the most unthinkable, retarded stuff you have every done. It will make you lose all rationale and common sense. Whoever originally said it's better to have loved and lost... probably committed suicide and died a virgin. I'm neither cynical nor jaded, I'm just saying...

My question then becomes what's worse...letting go and starting over (with the hope that you might or might not get it right with someone else)? or staying in hoping that things will get better (with the possibility that they won't)?

The answer is...

Episode 15- To Be or Not to Be. Who the Hell Cares

I just came across a very interesting discussion on the new social networking site I've been playing with--I'm so addicted...lol. Anyway, I'm paraphrasing, but the question pertained to if you are gay/lesbian/bisexual/whatever whether or not you necessarily need to "come out" to people. Key word being need.

The short version of my answer (in typical me fashion) was:

What? is it like graduating from college? Do I need to write formal announcements and handwritten cards that say "thank you for accepting me" I don't feel like I NEED to come out anymore than I NEED to announce that I'm black. I am what I am. If either one makes a difference in the way you deal with me then you don't NEED to deal with me...

Oh for the record I am bisexual. Have been for a minute. Go figure.

Just so we're clear, I am neither confused or fence straddling. I hate labels. To say I am a lesbian would be completely inaccurate. I still like and/or appreciate men--just so happens I like and/or appreciate women too. It is what it is and I am cool with it. My girlfriend is very aware of it and to this point is cool with it (yes, put two and two together S is a girl--makes so much more sense now huh?).

Yes, I put myself out there, but go back a few sentences... if it makes a difference, in fact if I've grown a third head in the last 30 seconds please let me know. I feel like at this point I'm grown, the hell I have to worry about. Anyone who knows me in the least shouldn't be surprised by anything I say or do anyway. I think I killed my shock value years ago...lol.

Anyway back to the original question...

Whether I think you "need" to come out. Honestly I think you should only tell people on a need to know basis. Um.. the people you are sleeping with or potentially trying to sleep with--need to know. Co-workers--don't need to know unless you're prepared to have them all up in your business. My friends need to (and do) know (how awkward would conversations about our love lives be otherwise...rotfl). My family, some know some don't. This has been a source of conflict with me and S for a few months. I haven't told my mom and step dad up to this point because we'd been going through so much shit I really didn't feel it was appropriate to drop that piece of news on them. I think I dropped enough bombs over baghdad in 2008.

However, last two visits with my mom since the move, I actually tried to tell her. Never happened, not for lack of trying though--she cut me off before I could get to the good part. I mean I could call my mom on the phone and tell her, but I believe that this conversation should take place in person.

This resulted in a long drawn out unnecessary argument with S about a week or two ago. Now, she told her mom--against my advice. Her mother is in somewhat ill health and far more conservative than mine--not to mention she decided to wait until we were in the middle of a break-up to do it. Why, I have no idea, but she made her own bed with that one. Whatever--that is neither here nor there.

So back to the question...

Is it necessary to "come out"?

Or my question, what precisely am I "coming out" of since I have never been in. And even if I do, does it matter and who cares...

Fuck the existential question.

(Finally?) Happy New Year

New Years always reminds me of that scene in Forrest Gump:





I feel a lot like that.

I'm spending my New Year's alone.

Sorta by choice. I knew ahead of time that S and I would not be together on New Year's so in that respect I was content with the situation seeing as how there's really nothing either of us can do about it. I could've gone out to party, but honestly I have no desire to be around anyone and celebrating when truly I don't have much to celebrate. I have my health and my family's health and a great kid and such but truth be told I really feel sorta...

empty

Does that sound weird? I mean I'm drained emotionally from all the b.s. I've had to deal with this year ("killa kung fu wolf bitch" as my friend Kyle called her, immediately comes to mind-but that is another story). I feel like I have accomplished nothing--or at least not much. I want things to be better in so many places in my life. I know that in order for that to happen I need to clear some things with certain people and issues in my life.

Since I am going to be celebrating alone tonight, I thought I would bring it in with a sense of peace because I want that to carry over into the new year--a hot bath, a pedicure, a glass of champagne, my pen and a playlist to meditate with.

I don't have any resolutions this year except the one I discussed with S yesterday--that I will save too for another blog because believe me it is well worthy of it's own Jerry Springer moment. lol. It is what it is, right S? lol

If anything, I just want my new year to be...happy, finally.

Episode 12- As Seen on TV

4 kids out of wedlock
3 days of my step dad leaving
2 hours of wrapping gifts
1 nagging mother

and a partridge in a pear tree.

Welcome to Christmas with my family.

I should be happy. I'm with my daughter. I love being here with her for Christmas. I'm thankful. I'm blessed. That's really all I wanted. Nothing else.

Still sad though. Wish S was here too. Haven't had the talk with the family about THAT yet. Don't think S is ready to be around them. Don't think I am ready for that yet.

If I wasn't for lil D I would almost rather be home right now.

Not that I don't love my family. I do. But...

I don't know I get a little weird on these visits. I don't know how to explain it. I'm listening to my mom and my great aunt talk about the family (they do this every visit) and the more I listen I'm realizing we are severely screwed up.

Like...ok I'm listening to my mother speaking to my aunt talking about how her ex husband is a bastard and isn't doing shit for anyone--not even their grandson for Christmas. And then I'm listening to my mother talking about how my step dad left on Saturday to go visit a friend of his...he just came back today (it's a weird complicated situation with them and I don't have enough energy to explain it). And then I know it's gonna be crazy tomorrow because we have 4 new babies in the family this year--one of my cousins had TWO with TWO different women. Which is actually a good thing cause then that takes some of the pressure of me to get the pointy end of the life lecture this year. And on and on and on.

See you have to understand, my family is VERY blunt and honest about how they feel. Which is good cause you know they won't lie to you, but bad in that you're going to hear it whether you want to or not--that's ASKING for drama. Which is why am up at 2 am stressing out. I mean it could be worse. In the back of my head I know this. My family is no better or worse than most, but, i don't know... maybe you have to be here to understand.

See, when it comes down to it, I come from a line of country folk with Jerry Springer issues. And I can deny it all I want but I fit in. And maybe that's what fucks with me... I know that I'll never be better than that. So when the food starts flying tomorrow maybe I shouldn't feel so bad. At least I know I'm not the only one.

Episode 11- Your Cheating Ways

I have been totally engrossed in this new social networking site I joined. They have a lot of "interesting" discussions (I guess that's the right word). On the site I joined a few groups, including a women's discussion group. I realize that that title is very redundant...lol

Anyway, a topic that I have seen come up more than once in the last few days is cheating. How do you know when you mate is cheating on you?

Good question. I have complied a few tell tale signs from various sources (complete with snarky commentary for your reading pleasure). My Christmas gift to you...I've taken the liberty of breaking it up into categories

THE PHONE
if he/she:

• turns the phone off when you're around or puts it on silent
• dismisses calls or will not answer the phone around you
• frequently walks to another room to take calls and whispers or talks low
• takes a call in front of you but will only answer in short 1 word answers like "uh-huh," "yes" and "no"
• will not check messages while you are around
• changes the passwords on the voice mail
• doesn't answer the phone when YOU call, but let you call from another number and they quick as HELL to pick up
• clears out all incoming and outgoing text messages frequently

Your mate is possibly a cheater--or a drug dealer or a member of the mafia. In any case I would watch my back and my wallet

THE COMPUTER
if he/she:

• spends a LOT of time on IM or chatting (I mean excessive amounts of time)
• shuts everything off abrubtly when you walk in the room
• is up at 2, 3, 4 am chatting (if you live together, this is IMPORTANT)
• has his social networking page set to private (and you are not on friends list)
• has more than 2 email addresses (I can't say shyt I have like 6, but to be fair some of them are for school and some I NEVER use for anything other than to register accounts so I don't get spam)
• has open active accounts at dating sites. (if it's a same sex dating site and your mate is "NOT gay"....THAT's some SERIOUS Jerry Springer ish! I'll be looking for you on a future episode )

if it's a guy and one of his alias screennames is "butchboy_frombhd" somebody gots to get CUT up in here!

CLOTHING/PERSONAL APPEARANCE/HYGIENE
if he/she

• shows up wearing different clothes from when they walked out the door (and you know they didn't just go play ball or something like that...)
• suddenly starts wearing new pieces of jewelry and you have no IDEA where it came from OR the wedding rings start coming up missing off the finger (and I'm telling you--let that be ME and THAT finger will get promptly cut off and shipped back to you in a box with the ring superglued to it and a note that reads--"let's see you take it off NOW!")
• switches from briefs to boxers or granny panties to thongs and NOT for you...only when they walk out the house and with no explanation
• carries and extra set of clothes in the car--for no reason
• starts dressing up to go to Wal-Mart (I had to tell somebody about THAT one on the blogs today! Have mercy!)
• Smell like new cologne/perfume/aftershave or shyt you KNOW you don't wear (I'll be Toucan Sam up in this piece.)

and the dead give aways

• If they come home and make an immediate beeline for the shower OR
• they come in smelling like they just HAD a shower when they shouldn't.

I'm not gonna resort to smellin yo' shyt, but I'll be damned shawty! You'll be Zest fully clean sleepin yo' ass out on the front lawn

ATTITUDE
if he/she

• starts accusing YOU of cheating. RED ALERT RED ALERT. This is a RED ALERT. If you don't go anywhere and your mate is acting suspicious and then they come to YOU accusing you of cheating...that's a guilty conscious talking!
• doesn't want to go out with you anymore but quick to be up and out the house when their homeboy/homegirl calls
• has an attitude with you and/or starts fights so they can "Optimus Prime" (i.e. transform and roll out)

TIMING/SCHEDULE
if he/she

• Suddenly has plans or has something come up last minute (and this happens a little too frequently to be coincidence)
• Tells you oh I was with my homeboy I'll be there in 5 mins and shows up an HOUR later
• Whenever you want to go to a certain place together there's always some excuse for why not(prolly cause the bitch he's fucking around with works there!)
• Disappears for large chunks of time that can't be explained...

I'll explain-- see what had happened was I had the locks changed.

CAR
if...

• the car smells of perfume/cologne that belongs to neither of you
• you find random items that do not belong to you and are clearly out of place (i.e. condoms, clothing articles, red hair weave. etc)
• the passenger seat is pushed into a different position and you "know" you were the last one in the car

humming...I bust the windows out your car/ you know I did it cause I left my mark/ wrote my initials with a crowbar... Oh I'm sorry where were we...

SEX
if he/she

• comes up with some new ish that is clearly outside of their realm of expertise OR
• completely stops touching you OR
• starts carrying or coming up with condoms when you never used them before...

run do not walk to the nearest STD clinic. Do NOT pass GO. Do not collect $200.

MONEY
if he/she

• comes up with money and you don't know the source
• is suddenly broke--all the time
• won't let you see the phone or credit card bills

They're probably hooking... see my advice under SEX

OBVIOUS MAN

Then of course if you bust the mutherfucker mid-stroke wearing your underwear, a zip up mask and a pair of high heels...um...yeah you can be pretty sure that their cheating.

Throw your shoes at GW day

I promise to get back to my regularly scheduled programming tomorrow. But this just cracked me up so much...




Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Episode 10-But I Love Him...

I had a revelation of sorts today...

I joined (yet another) social networking site today. One of the more interesting facets of the site is the blogs...wooo boy! Talk about drama!

Here's the thing, as I'm reading through some of the relationship blogs the one phrase that I kept coming across over and over again was...

"But I love him" (or some variation thereof).

I HATE this phrase. The reason why I hate it, is because it is usually preceded by some tragically repetitious and familiar tale of he treats me like shit, he doesn't respect me, he's cheating on me, he's cheating WITH me blah blah blah...you get the idea.

So, I ask...if you know and recognize that this is not a situation that you are comfortable with...why stay?

Because I love him.

WTF! That just defies all logic.

Now before I continue, I too have been guilty of saying the dreaded phrase. But if age and experience have taught me anything, it's that I know my limitations. You can't possibly tell me that say, you date a married man 3 years--you still honestly believe that he's going to leave his wife for you? Get the fuck outta here.

But I love him.

Do you really? Now I'm not trying to get all high and mighty. I'm really not. So many women make this mistake of staying in unhealthy relationships. Lord knows I did! And if you do it once, that's ok. Lesson learned, move on. But if you keep doing it over and over and over, and you get on that whine about how you can't find a "good" man, you have to ask yourself...is it him or is it YOU. Why do we continue to settle for less? Is it a self esteem issue or are we really truly afraid of being alone. Hate to break it you ladies, but contrary to popular belief there is no man shortage, but there damn sure are plenty of sharks in the dating pool, so if you get bit you should know.--it hurts! I just don't understand.

For example, I was reading one of the bloggers on the new site today who was in a situation where she was (very) pregnant by a married man and wanted to know if she should tell the wife. Or, there was another one about a woman who had to ask if she should stop dealing with a man who by her own accounts was a shiftless, lazy, non-working, alcoholic, sonofabitch living in his grandmama's basement and getting money from the various women in his life including an ex wife. Or just last week I found out a former co-worker of mine had been in a manipulating mentally abusive relationship for years. And I'm willing to bet that if you ask any one of them why they put up with it when CLEARLY they weren't happy, they'd all give the EXACT same response...

Because I love him.

Jesus I've written poems about women like this... alloweth me to quote myself from a poem called "SOS"

...They say you should stand for something or fall for anything Well you done fell for the wrong one girlfriend/
But you ready to stand by your man and defend his dumb ass to the bitter end/
He got you so messed up you done cussed out your mama and your best friend/
and all they're trying to do is reason with you/ but when his dumb ass acts up they're the same ones you go running back to/
and they can't figure out why you stick by his ass/
even after he
beat yo' ass
treated you like trash/
cheated on you TWICE
gave you an STD
and paid for that OTHER chick's abortion with YOUR cash/...

Now I will freely admit, that I'm going through my own relationship issues right now, so one could probably argue I don't have room to talk...but seriously, if my biggest complaint to date is just that sometimes S is just a tad bit too sensitive, well then baby I'm doing damn good. I blame that on age and cultural differences. And the difference here is--yes I love S...

But S loves me back.

Food for thought.

Episode 9- It;s Deja Vu All Over Again

I've never been in a relationship with someone so aggravating in my entire life as my current (possibly soon to be ex...again!) SO.

Every time I think about S right now I'm itchin' to start fighting like two rednecks over their cousin. Uggh!

I can't take it. Damn sensitive ass!



I want to walk away so bad. Again. Actually let me get it straight...last time I wasn't the one that walked out. I just wasn't playing the I want to take you back game. And I'm not about to play that game now either...

I am just so sick of going back and forth over the same thing over and over. Sometimes S you just need to STFU. Every time I say something it's always taken so personal, like I just walk around deliberately trying to insult people. Now if you know anything about me, if I WANT to insult you there will be NO question about the deliberateness of my words. I'll admit I can be a real bitch if/when it's called for. But under normal circumstances I abhor conflict. So that being said...why must everything be an argument. Stop acting like a little biotch! It's not a good look.

I'm not saying you have to be hard, but damn! give that sensitive shit a rest sometimes sheesh! What's wrong with enjoying the relationship for what it is instead of always blowing stupid little petty stuff out of proportion. WTF...you seriously got offended because I told you (jokingly mind you) that you suck! %$#@&! Are you fucking kidding! It's like I almost think you are purposely doing this shit to sabotage the relationship. And the worst part is I don't even think you realize it. Then when I do leave you'll be the first one crying (literally) about how you knew I was gonna leave you...really? fucking manipulative ass bullshit. Where they do that at? Lord forgive me I just had a true ghetto moment. You can't just be easy, shiiiiiit you just don't know... all that petty high school teeth sucking silent treatment phone hanging up reverse psychology bullshit doesn't work on me sweetie.

Now normally I don't use this blog to completely vent...rather to tell outrageous stories, but damn if this ain't a talk show moment I don't know what is. So let me say this as plainly as I can: S you are plucking my last nerve like it's a guitar string. I'm telling you now because no matter how much I love you, if you don't start acting like you have some damn sense I'm going to walk. Period. I'm gonna need you to get it together.

Breathe.

Ok. I'm done venting. just gonna sit back and STFU.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled program