Episode 49- Signs It Might Be Time to Get a Restraining ORDER!

I am going to vent for a sec...because maaaaan this right 'chere is some BULLSHIT.

I have tried everything and I do mean EVERYTHING in my power to be nice to my ex, but at the same time get the point across that you need to leave me the hell alone. When nice didn't work I was mean...and I mean MEAN as hell...didn't work. I finally got my point across (so I thought)...a couple of weeks ago, when I said for the 796th time (no bullshit) and I quote "I don't want to TALK to you anymore. EVER! in LIFE!!"

I'm not sure what part of that was unclear...

So a 2 weeks ago I get an email requesting some pictures that were sent to me be returned to sender...I say ok. I sent them, but they're going overseas so they take a minute. Today I get another email asking about the pics...I say they were sent, past that there's nothing else I can do...

This turns into a damn argument...first my ex proceeds to say I have an attitude (well yeah I do because I could've swore I said "didn't speak to me EVER!!" and yet HERE YOU ARE contacting me) and tells me that's why I'm single (actually bitch I'm single because unlike you I choose not to SETTLE for the first person who comes along)...I wasn't even going to grace her with a response until the TABOO subject came up and I couldn't help it...I lit that ass up!

If this was God testing me to see if I've changed...then God help me I failed miserably, but you don't say what was said to me and expect not to get the full wrath...if I was within arms reach this would have been the moment for me to reach out and touch this bitch!

So... I was as nice as I could muster while still reiterating my viewpoint that my ex is an emotionally manipulative, emotionally unstable, psychopathic, asshole. I stand by this opinion. But I had to laugh and feel simultaneously sad because a) you don't seem to see thr irony in YOU contacting ME and ultimately saying "don't call me or contact me anymore"...um I haven't called you in several months...every bit of contact in the last 9 months has been initiated by YOU!!! I purposely lost your number and until today had blocked you from everything EXCEPT MY EMAIL. You were a distant memory sweetheart!! and b) for somebody who doesn't want to talk to me...and claims they regret dating me WHY THE FUCK...would you send me a grand total of (hold on lemme count to make sure I get this right...) SEVEN emails telling me how happy you are in your new relationship and how she's so much better than me and treats you good...like my opinion could or should matter to YOU. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!! << said in my best Chris Tucker voice.

Do you! I'm genuinly happy for you, I'd be more happy if you'd leave me the HELL ALONE. GET THE HELL ON with your "new" relationship. Anyone that "secure" in what they have doesn't need to write 7 emails to their EX trying to convince them that they're "happy" SMH.

I promise you this is the last time I let this bs with S take me out of my zone.

DONE.

Episode 46- Life, Love and the Pursuit of...something that resembles happiness

It's not just me. It's everyone I know...going through things.

It's in the atmosphere. It's background to everything-- even when I have a smile on my face. I'm plotting, I'm planning, I'm forcefully trying to pull my life in another, more positive direction. Life fights me. I fight back. It is what it is. I live, I breathe in and I write. I share bits and pieces of myself so I can remember what got me here in the first place.

The point is... I am here...wherever "here" is at this stage in my life. I'm approaching another birthday in a few weeks. And the only thing I want...

Happiness.

Wrap it up in a box. I get it in fleeting moments, but I want it at least with some degree of consistency. I'm not asking for world peace, just steady peace of mind. I realize that life is not going to go easy on me just because I want it to, but something has got to give...or at least make it a fair fight. I feel like David with a slingshot and a handful of rocks, but my aim is off (I am so using that in a poem...lol).

My point being if I could just get that one thing...everything else would fall into place

...if only. Le grand sigh!