Episode 61- I'm Convinced It's Made Out of Platinum and Crack...

I haven't laughed this hard in quite awhile...

So my brother calls me, I think I've posted about him before--he was the one that the GF who hid out in his closet until she fell asleep and got busted (still one of the funniest stories EVER!!). He has a crazy, insane history with some crazy, insane women--including a deranged baby mama and a more deranged ex-wife.

Ok...so the story goes my brother decided to move to Florida a few months back to be closer to his kids (because the ex wife moved there). He and the ex have a very up and down relationship, mostly because she's a nutjob! I know she's a nutjob--I've known this chick for years because they actually started dating back when we were all still in high school.

So the other day my brother tells me that this chick got mad over some lame bs. He sat on the sofa and laughed at her (I know him well enough to believe him when he says this, because he's just as laid back and as big of a smart ass as I am), this crazy bitch called one of her friends and just randomly started yelling "you better not hit me again" to make it seem like he'd put hands on her--he was smart enough to a) not touch her and b) roll out.

Tell me why?

Tell me why this looney tunes called him yesterday asking if she could come by and get some
d!ck.

Errr [insert Shaggy and Scooby noise]

Um yeah...

and then to top it all off...cause it can get no funnier... BMD (that's what we call his baby mama--BMD= Baby Mama Drama) called and said that (even though she has a new boyfriend and like 6-7 kids) she wants to move down to Florida to be with my brother.

WTF? Where they do that at? and who does that? LMAO.

Just wow!

Ladies I'm not knockin the man, cause he's my homie, my brother from another mother--but seriously did I miss the memo about a shortage of good d!ck (yes I realize the irony of that question coming from me)?

It cannot possibly be that crucial. smdh. rotfl. woo lawd these dumb ass chicks kill me.

Episode 49- Signs It Might Be Time to Get a Restraining ORDER!

I am going to vent for a sec...because maaaaan this right 'chere is some BULLSHIT.

I have tried everything and I do mean EVERYTHING in my power to be nice to my ex, but at the same time get the point across that you need to leave me the hell alone. When nice didn't work I was mean...and I mean MEAN as hell...didn't work. I finally got my point across (so I thought)...a couple of weeks ago, when I said for the 796th time (no bullshit) and I quote "I don't want to TALK to you anymore. EVER! in LIFE!!"

I'm not sure what part of that was unclear...

So a 2 weeks ago I get an email requesting some pictures that were sent to me be returned to sender...I say ok. I sent them, but they're going overseas so they take a minute. Today I get another email asking about the pics...I say they were sent, past that there's nothing else I can do...

This turns into a damn argument...first my ex proceeds to say I have an attitude (well yeah I do because I could've swore I said "didn't speak to me EVER!!" and yet HERE YOU ARE contacting me) and tells me that's why I'm single (actually bitch I'm single because unlike you I choose not to SETTLE for the first person who comes along)...I wasn't even going to grace her with a response until the TABOO subject came up and I couldn't help it...I lit that ass up!

If this was God testing me to see if I've changed...then God help me I failed miserably, but you don't say what was said to me and expect not to get the full wrath...if I was within arms reach this would have been the moment for me to reach out and touch this bitch!

So... I was as nice as I could muster while still reiterating my viewpoint that my ex is an emotionally manipulative, emotionally unstable, psychopathic, asshole. I stand by this opinion. But I had to laugh and feel simultaneously sad because a) you don't seem to see thr irony in YOU contacting ME and ultimately saying "don't call me or contact me anymore"...um I haven't called you in several months...every bit of contact in the last 9 months has been initiated by YOU!!! I purposely lost your number and until today had blocked you from everything EXCEPT MY EMAIL. You were a distant memory sweetheart!! and b) for somebody who doesn't want to talk to me...and claims they regret dating me WHY THE FUCK...would you send me a grand total of (hold on lemme count to make sure I get this right...) SEVEN emails telling me how happy you are in your new relationship and how she's so much better than me and treats you good...like my opinion could or should matter to YOU. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!! << said in my best Chris Tucker voice.

Do you! I'm genuinly happy for you, I'd be more happy if you'd leave me the HELL ALONE. GET THE HELL ON with your "new" relationship. Anyone that "secure" in what they have doesn't need to write 7 emails to their EX trying to convince them that they're "happy" SMH.

I promise you this is the last time I let this bs with S take me out of my zone.

DONE.

Episode 29- Read My Lip(s)

Open letter to the dumb girl who really wanted to get the lip tattoo.

Dear Becky,

I like to think I was saving you from making the biggest mistake of your life. Wasn't trying to call you out, but you seem to be of reasonable intelligence, what with your ambition to apply to Harvard and all.

However, getting the word "Jew" tattooed on the inside of your lip, when you are clearly not Jewish and have no logical explaination for your choice, seems a tad bit foolish and irrational...just a TAD. Many people have gotten tats which they've later come to regret. I would hate to see you added among that list. To offer sage advice--courtesy of my 4 year daughter--"some people just don't make good choices"

Although I applaude your courage (noted with an over abundance of sarcasm), I'm going to need you to get a grip and rethink your life choices.

Signed,
Common Sense

UPDATE:

So Becky changed her mind about the word, but um... well... see for yourself...



I weep on the inside.

Episode 23-Fall Out Boy

I did something kinda unexpected this weekend. I finally decided on and got what will most likely be my last tat. (Check out my profile pic for a closer look). My friend's husband hooked me up, and can I say I absolutely love it. :)

Had just a minor scare though prior to getting inked...

Another dude had come in earlier to get a touch up and add on to a tat he already had. Well we'd all eaten breakfast, spent most of the afternoon drinking a little and laughing--all in all there were like 4-5 of us chillin. In any case dude's tat took a loooooooooong time to do. All I know is when he was done, he stood up went to look in the mirror, came back to sit down and BOOM!

Passed out.

Yep, he slam passed out. At first I thought he just fell out of the chair or something but when he didn't move and didn't respond...man I was about to freak out. Suddenly dude opened his eyes up and announced "I pissed myself"

WTF?

Under normal circumstances that might have elicited a laugh from me. However, he was out for about 60 seconds, so that was scary enough, but damn, for real now I'm like whoa! I'm not calling dude out, but I have never seen that happen before.

Sheesh!

And that was most of my weekend, other than sleeping uncomfortably (I can't quite lay on my back just yet) and being bored outta my mind watching the Academy Awards--I love Sophia Loren but she looks like a botched experiment from Dr. Frankenstein

THEN NOW

And how freaking awkward was that Beyonce/Hugh Jackman singing atrocity?

Episode 22- Adventures in Dating (Retroactive)

On one of my favorite social networking sites, there was a good discussion post today (which actually brewed over into a virtual catfight which is ongoing even as I am posting this up...that's a whole other blog post though...tune in for the next episode and maybe I'll have a conclusion)

Anywho, the original question posted to a women's group was something to the effect of what's the worst lie a man has ever told you? did you forgive him, and if so why?

I have some stories I could tell. Hence why I named my blog Jerry Springer Moments--because incredible, overdramatic, almost unbelievable soap opera-esqe stories are always happening to me. And were I not there to experience them I almost wouldn't believe them. Soooo I'm going to reprint the story I posted in response to the question. I swear all of this is true, I only changed the names:

I dated this man for a year while I was in college. It was long distance because I went to school out of state, but he was making these 6 hours trip to come see me nearly every weekend or I would come either home to DC or we'd meet up in NYC where his family lived. Like I said this went on for about a year. Things were fantastic...I had met all of his family, stayed at his mother's house one weekend, all that.

Ok, he joined the military and about a year into our relationship he told me he had a choice of getting stationed either at a base about a half hour from where I went to school, or to a base in Georgia. Well he decided on Georgia.

One weekend right about the time he was supposed to be leaving, we were both home and we had this huge blow out fight, and he told me he was leaving early the next day to start moving stuff down to GA. So like 2-3 in the afternoon that next day, I go pick up my best friend from her apartment building and I go to get in the elevator and as the doors opens this fool gets off carrying boxes and behind him is this random chick also carrying boxes. He says "hi" to me and keeps walking!!!!! My other friend had to snatch me back in the elevator before I could make a scene. I tell my best friend and we're ready to go looking for him, when...he gets off the elevator on the floor we're on. Walks over to my best friend, tries to hug her and then me. Random chick just kept walking past.

Well of course when I finally got a chance to call this fool out, the lie he gave me was that he didn't know the girl like that and his uncle paid him to help this girl move her stuff out of her apartment so he did it so he'd have some extra funds to travel on...

That might have been reasonbly plausible...IF...it wasn't for the fact that the random chick just by sheer coincidence happened to live across the hall from my best friend. We ran into her again a few days later and asked her. Turns out, SHE WAS HIS FIANCEE. They'd been together for TWO YEARS (which techinically made me the other woman--but I was the public front, his family had never met her). She was packing up to move to Georgia with him!! So I told her EVERYTHING. I think that despite that she still moved down there---at least for a little while. Me on the other hand, I rolled out baseball bat in hand ready to confront him but he pulled a Ron Browz and jumped out the window.

Funny thing is...like 2 or 3 years later he somehow got my email address and wrote me an apology

Again true story! I snuck into his apartment building behind a pizza delivery guy (because he lived in a security building) and rolled up in my kick ass gear with a baseball bat in hand. I left it at the front door of the apartment when I saw his grandmother and two of his uncles standing there. Ol boy was drinking a beer. When he saw me come in you'd have thought he saw Lucifer in the flesh. He went the back way out of the kitchen and jumped off the second story balcony. LMAO.

A year went by before I saw him again in a mall parking lot and I refused to speak to him...

Then like another year or two after that, out of nowhere he sent me an email basically apologizing for the whole thing. I was shocked needless to say. Also needless to say, we obviously never got back together, but we manage to actually keep in touch every now and then. He never did marry the other chick, but he stayed in the military for awhile, got shipped overseas, ended up having a son and last I heard was a pretty successful DJ somewhere in this area.

I look back on that whole thing as both a comedy and a life lesson. Glad I can laugh about it now. Like I said before if it hadn't happened to me I almost wouldn't believe it. But that's what defines a good Jerry Springer Moment I guess...

And my final thought: If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

-D

Over 18, Sleeping with poets, and J Holiday in a towel

Some dear poet friends of mine, Max Parthas and his wife Tribal Raine came through Virginia yesterday to do a show. Since I hardly get to see them I decided I would make the two hour drive to Richmond to catch up with them.


Bad traffic and almost 3 hours later, I get to the show just in time for the finale. I missed a good chunk of the performances (but lucky for me it was broadcast to web so I will make up for the parts I missed as soon as it's all on youtube).

Since I wasn't in a hurry to drive back, I followed some of the others over to our DJ's house--DJ Tree to be exact (see below). He had a gig over at a local club so we all dropped our stuff off at his house and after a few shots of E&J and Smirnoff (I stuck with the latter--since anyone who knows me knows that brown liquor and I are not friends) we head out to the spot.

First of all since this was a 18 and up spot I believe, I can safely say I had about 10-15 years age up on average on these folks up in the club. So while Max politic'ed with some folks, Tribal and I played the back and clowned--which wasn't all the hard since 90% of the people who I saw were serious offenders, errr I mean contenders for You Know You Dead Azz Wrong. And if you doubt me here is Exhibit A:

The random chick who decided she would channel Nadia Cominiche and stretch her leg over the top of the DJ booth--btw that would be Tree in the background. I couldn't get my camera out in time to snap a pic of the girl who probably simultaneously caught an STD and got pregnant on the dance floor as many men as she had trying to pile drive, err I mean "dance" with her...note to self: cancel salsa lessons.

So after a rather entertaining night, Max, Tribal and I went back to the house where we ended up watching Norbit and crashing out--when I said sleeping with poets I meant that literally...lol. Although I will say we had a rather interesting wake up experience when Tribal tried to switch out the movie from the dvd/disc changer and the next one happened to be a porno.

At this point everyone in the house was up--a little groggy perhaps, and one of the other members of the household came around the corner. Now I had met dude the night before and I lie to you not, if this negro did not look like a J. Holiday with blue eyes.

Tribal made some crack about him coming around the corner the day before in nothing but a towel and that was all she wrote--the jokes and the commentary came out. Lawd, don't even get me started...lol.

Anyway, after that everybody dipped out and headed back up 95, but not before I stopped and took a few pics downtown.

Maaaaaan. That trip convinced me of two things 1) I miss the camaraderie of poets...I need to get back on my game and 2) that apparently it's cool to walk into a club on a 40 degree day with your boobs hanging out and smacking you in the knee caps, wearing half a skirt on your ass or looking about 18 months pregnant, with a gang of random tats for each of your baby daddies while letting horny, nasty little boys dressed like they put clothes on in the dark pseudo fvck you.

I prefer to only believe the former.

In Denial Perhaps? Future Springer Guests.

see more pwn and owned pictures

I just wanted to laugh today. I ran across this in failblog.org.

Seriously?

See y'all on Springer in a few weeks. ROTFL