Episode 61- I'm Convinced It's Made Out of Platinum and Crack...

I haven't laughed this hard in quite awhile...

So my brother calls me, I think I've posted about him before--he was the one that the GF who hid out in his closet until she fell asleep and got busted (still one of the funniest stories EVER!!). He has a crazy, insane history with some crazy, insane women--including a deranged baby mama and a more deranged ex-wife.

Ok...so the story goes my brother decided to move to Florida a few months back to be closer to his kids (because the ex wife moved there). He and the ex have a very up and down relationship, mostly because she's a nutjob! I know she's a nutjob--I've known this chick for years because they actually started dating back when we were all still in high school.

So the other day my brother tells me that this chick got mad over some lame bs. He sat on the sofa and laughed at her (I know him well enough to believe him when he says this, because he's just as laid back and as big of a smart ass as I am), this crazy bitch called one of her friends and just randomly started yelling "you better not hit me again" to make it seem like he'd put hands on her--he was smart enough to a) not touch her and b) roll out.

Tell me why?

Tell me why this looney tunes called him yesterday asking if she could come by and get some
d!ck.

Errr [insert Shaggy and Scooby noise]

Um yeah...

and then to top it all off...cause it can get no funnier... BMD (that's what we call his baby mama--BMD= Baby Mama Drama) called and said that (even though she has a new boyfriend and like 6-7 kids) she wants to move down to Florida to be with my brother.

WTF? Where they do that at? and who does that? LMAO.

Just wow!

Ladies I'm not knockin the man, cause he's my homie, my brother from another mother--but seriously did I miss the memo about a shortage of good d!ck (yes I realize the irony of that question coming from me)?

It cannot possibly be that crucial. smdh. rotfl. woo lawd these dumb ass chicks kill me.

Over 18, Sleeping with poets, and J Holiday in a towel

Some dear poet friends of mine, Max Parthas and his wife Tribal Raine came through Virginia yesterday to do a show. Since I hardly get to see them I decided I would make the two hour drive to Richmond to catch up with them.


Bad traffic and almost 3 hours later, I get to the show just in time for the finale. I missed a good chunk of the performances (but lucky for me it was broadcast to web so I will make up for the parts I missed as soon as it's all on youtube).

Since I wasn't in a hurry to drive back, I followed some of the others over to our DJ's house--DJ Tree to be exact (see below). He had a gig over at a local club so we all dropped our stuff off at his house and after a few shots of E&J and Smirnoff (I stuck with the latter--since anyone who knows me knows that brown liquor and I are not friends) we head out to the spot.

First of all since this was a 18 and up spot I believe, I can safely say I had about 10-15 years age up on average on these folks up in the club. So while Max politic'ed with some folks, Tribal and I played the back and clowned--which wasn't all the hard since 90% of the people who I saw were serious offenders, errr I mean contenders for You Know You Dead Azz Wrong. And if you doubt me here is Exhibit A:

The random chick who decided she would channel Nadia Cominiche and stretch her leg over the top of the DJ booth--btw that would be Tree in the background. I couldn't get my camera out in time to snap a pic of the girl who probably simultaneously caught an STD and got pregnant on the dance floor as many men as she had trying to pile drive, err I mean "dance" with her...note to self: cancel salsa lessons.

So after a rather entertaining night, Max, Tribal and I went back to the house where we ended up watching Norbit and crashing out--when I said sleeping with poets I meant that literally...lol. Although I will say we had a rather interesting wake up experience when Tribal tried to switch out the movie from the dvd/disc changer and the next one happened to be a porno.

At this point everyone in the house was up--a little groggy perhaps, and one of the other members of the household came around the corner. Now I had met dude the night before and I lie to you not, if this negro did not look like a J. Holiday with blue eyes.

Tribal made some crack about him coming around the corner the day before in nothing but a towel and that was all she wrote--the jokes and the commentary came out. Lawd, don't even get me started...lol.

Anyway, after that everybody dipped out and headed back up 95, but not before I stopped and took a few pics downtown.

Maaaaaan. That trip convinced me of two things 1) I miss the camaraderie of poets...I need to get back on my game and 2) that apparently it's cool to walk into a club on a 40 degree day with your boobs hanging out and smacking you in the knee caps, wearing half a skirt on your ass or looking about 18 months pregnant, with a gang of random tats for each of your baby daddies while letting horny, nasty little boys dressed like they put clothes on in the dark pseudo fvck you.

I prefer to only believe the former.

Episode 19- My Baby Mama is a Stripper

Got a phone call today while I was at work and have been laughing my butt off about it ever since.

I mentioned awhile back I have this friend I'll call E who's husband cheated on her.


Now E's husband had a baby with said Random Chick, who turned out to be a complete and total psychopath. In all the tit for tat back and forth to court, jail etc etc., E managed to get Random Chick fired from her job awhile back (which would've probably happened regardless because Random Chick is an admitted drug user).

So... economy being what it is, Random Chick has apparently become a stripper at a local club. Now I'm not knocking anyone's hustle, BUT

This is funny for a few reasons...

a) Random Chick is not what I would call stripper material in the buttockal (yeah I made that shyt up...lol) area (unless you like members of the nosital crew).

b) the reason E knows that Random Chick is now dancing for change (and I don't mean for Obama) is because another stripper who knows baby daddy snitched on her.

I though strippers had some sorta code of ethics regarding stuff like that. Can they stripper sanction her, or like take away her pole priveleges for that? I mean if you can't trust a stripper with your secrets, who can you trust?

ROTFL. But damn if this wasn't made for tv...

And the FUNNIEST part is, now my homegirl wants me to go with her to the strip club (the bi girl taking the straight girl to the girl on girl strip club to see the baby mama shake her non-existant ass on a pole...ooooh THIS should be GOOD and COMICAL)!!