For My Valentine...

I am not a fan of Valentine's Day.

I think what people do on Valentine's Day should not be limited to Valentine's Day. But my purpose is not to rant about that...

I don't have a "Valentine" per say in that sense, but to the person who would, could and should be my Valentine I just want to say...



This just seems to sum it all up nicely.

Things I Wished I Had Said...

This is per a conversation I had yesterday...in retrospect this is what I should've said:

1. That was some fuck shit... the worst cop-out line EVER. The least you could've done is not insult my intelligence.

2. Yes it hurts (as in present tense damn it)!!! Throw some more salt in my wound please since apparently I am a glutton for punishment. [*major sarcasm*]

3. Frankly, I'm rather glad you said it. You just proved to me that you don't DESERVE me at all. [mad that I wasted my time, happy cause now I have free time-- I have shit to do! *middle finger*]

4. Fuck your exes--I'm glad I'm the opposite of all of them. I happen to like me thank you very much and I could give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks about me or the situation.

5. I guarantee you, you will notice an immediate difference when I'm gone.

6. For the record, I'm know I'm NOT your girl. I'm also NOT your pet project, guinea pig, personal assistant, idea generator, pass around show and tell project, advisor or kick around person.

7. Allow me to quote both Cee-lo and Chris Brown-- Fuck you and Deuces!

30 Day Challenge- Day 2 My First Love

Ok wow,

This is kind of a heavy topic for Day 2. LOL.

I could spin this two ways--the first time I thought I was in love or the first time I KNEW I was in love. I'll go with the latter.

I'm not emotionless, but I can't just fall in love. For me it never worked like that, because when I love, I love hard or not at all. My first (real) love made me crazy. It was spontaneous, spur of the moment adrenaline rush all the time, like that split second before the roller coaster comes over the top of the first hill type *ish.

Honestly I fought it for a long time because somehow secretly I just knew (and perhaps this was self fulfilling prophesy) that no matter how much or how hard I loved it just wasn't going to be the forever thing.

but I wanted to just be in that split second before the hill.

I know I'm kind of sounding poetic--and maybe later I'll turn this into a poem, but anywho...

So going back to this whole roller coaster metaphor, at some point it had to go down...actually the whole relationship was like that. When it was good it was AWESOME and when it was bad, it was the 3rd circle of hell. There was never any balance in it, but I wanted to stay in it waiting for that next twist or flip.



And just like that it was done. I can't say just like that because we were together for a few years. It wasn't the fact that I was cheated on--I was one foot out the door when that happened. It wasn't the families, stress or the fights. I guess it just wasn't fun anymore. Ironically, the last thing I did before I left was say "I love you."

I meant it.

I'm over it. Looking back now, I see it as an experience, a chapter in my life that one day I'll write down. It'll make more sense then.

Episode 64- Why Did You Get Married

Haven't written in minute... not for lack of episode material.

I have many stories but this is a continuing saga--Mr. X, sigh! I've talked about him before, most recently about his marriage a month and a half ago. Earlier this week we had a chit chat about how things were going. Which leads me to this question:

If you dated someone and everything was great except in one very important area, for instance sex, would you marry them knowing the situation would not improve?

For me, this would be a deal breaker. I'm not talking about a problem that can be fixed, I'm talking about sex being bad, non-existent or looked at like it was a requirement rather than something you enjoy. You can't change sexual compatibility or attitudes about sex--and if you know your sex drive is high, marrying someone who sees it that way is a set up to cheat.

Now I didn't want to say I told you so, but I saw that issue coming awhile back. I was hoping I was wrong--and to be fair it hasn't happened yet, but I get the distinct feeling it's simply a matter of time. I told Mr. X I would NEVER advocate cheating on his wife, but again I had to ask if you knew sex was a big issue and you knew your requirements in that area, did you think it would resolve itself over time or did you talk yourself into thinking you could live with it because everything else about wifey was good?

*shrugs shoulders*

If I knew her better I would grab her by the hand and talk her straight to the nearest freak shop. LMAO. If only because I want her to have a fighting chance for her marriage. Sigh!

And this is why I remain single.

Episode 60- If Anyone Has Just Cause For Why These Two Should Not Be Wed

Ah so...it is too early in the day and in the week for such drama.

A long time ago I wrote about a bunch of drama with a friend of mine named Mr. X (I don't feel like digging up old posts or old dirt...lol). Long story short Mr. X has had, let's just say a long and sordid track record with women. But we're cool and we're friends.

Well Mr. X got married a few days ago. Which is a good thing, because maybe...just maybe he will be settled and get things together. Now the drama comes because I was not invited to the wedding. Understand that this is not coming from my end...I knew well in advance before he even said it to me to expect this. There are a few reasons why I could justify my non-invitation--mainly because we have a sort of backstory--even though this is long in the past and way, way before wifey was in the picture. I've actually met the new Mrs. X on a few occassions and she's really nice. The thing is Mr. X and I have a bunch of mutual friends... so far three of them have hit me up (publicly at that--either via FB or Twitter) asking why I wasn't at the wedding.

Ok, so how to politely explain without being all obviousman about it...

So far I've answered with the truth which is that I was at the Cherry Blossom Festival. Not sure I want to delve into it on any level with anyone who's asked me...what I feel like saying is ask Mr. X, but since I'm quite sure he's blissfully enraptured in his new nuptials I'm not sure that's the best idea since I would hate to create some marital discord.

For all intents and purposes I hold absolutely not hard feelings and I really hope things go well for them. Sigh...I think I may do best to just avoid the question all together and vow to keep my mouth shut.

Speak now or forever hold your peace.

Episode 54- Cut Ties?

I have a hypothetical question for anyone who cares to answer...

Let's say you have been friends with someone for about a year. You talk just about everyday--even if it's just a quick hello. Everything has been cool up to this point, no arguments no drama...

Then all of sudden friend doesn't speak to you for a week.

Now the first few days, you're not overly concerned. People get busy. It happens

By day 3 or 4, you're mildly worried that maybe something is wrong. You try reaching out to them and don't get a reply. At the same time, you see they're posting to their blogs and social networks like crazy (meaning: they had enough time to do all of that, but not enough to at least say "hey I'm breathing"....ok?)

On day 5 you notice that the blog and status messgaes have gotten rather cryptic... several of them make mention of "cutting certain people off" or "getting rid of dead weight"

Then all of a sudden after a full week no contact...the friend contacts you, as if nothing happened.

Now there are a couple of scenarios here: a) it's possible the friend just got super busy and the other stuff had nothing to do with you whatsoever b) it's possible you did/said something that you just don't realize

During the conversation you ask without being overly obvious what they've been up to...and the friend sidesteps the answer or is very vague.

How would you handle this? would you:

a) leave it alone and hope maybe they come around and tell you what's been up
b) flat out ask them (but keep in mind you might not like the answer)
c) say the hell with them and just sideline the friendship because you don't have time for the bs

or perhaps some combination thereof...

Episode 48- I Could But I Won't...

This conversation I'm about to have with you has come up repeatedly in recent weeks...

Here the scenario... you meet someone, you really click with them. Things are going well, you're really getting along. This person tells you up front that they're into you, but they're kind of in a weird place when it comes to relationships and as such, the two of you decide to keep it platonic for the time being.

So although your feelings are with this person, technically you're still single. If you found yourself in a position to potentially have sex with someone else--an ex lover... would you? and if you did, would you feel the need to disclose this information even if you KNEW there was no other way for the other person to find out?

Episode 45- SMH. The 'L' Word Part 2

So I'm back from vacation and some interesting developments have occurred since our last installment.

I didn't want to be the one to say I told you so, but... damn it I told you so... see, going back to our last episode, where I was venting about the use or overuse of the "L" word, why is it that now all parties have removed the stardust from their eyeballs and showing themselves for who they are.

DJ and Angie are ok...they met, everything was great. Until... I asked Angie if she was still "in love" and. I. got. a. moment. of... PAUSE, and a sentence that started with "well..."

SMH. You KNOW that is never a good sign... However they are still together and things seem to be going ok. So we'll just let that ride. However...

Nic and Claudia.

Le grande SIGH!

These two...the story is sounding more and more like the Young and The Restless. And if I wasn't hearing it all firsthand I almost wouldn't believe it.

So Claudia backed out of the trip she was supposed to make to see Nic... because of some "work related training" that conveniently came up at the last minute. I would tend to believe that on face value but there are some AHEM, inconsistencies in the way the story was told. I may not be good at math, but um...something doesn't quite add up. Now, I see major red flags all over the place, but I have resolved to keep my opinions to myself, so I let Nic vent and just kinda take it all in. However, here's where I have a major problem...

Nic has some serious life or death health issues. So I'm hoping against hope that I am wrong (smh) and that Claudia, for what it's worth, is being forthcoming, because nothing would be more messed up than for her to turn out to be on some retarded game playing mode and put that kinda undue stress on Nic.

As for me. It's complicated. I am trying to untangle myself and my feelings about someone. I refuse to commit to the "L" word because I know I shouldn't.

I said it before I'm not "in love" even though I might like you a little bit... sigh . WTH?

Episode 44- the 'L' word

I have inexplicably and inadventantly become a matchmaker of sorts within the last couple of weeks...

A few episodes back I wrote about the online group that I now moderate. Well as it turns out, in the last few weeks two different sets of people have managed to find a love connection. Go figure!

That in and of itself was not completely unexpected, the matched couples however were... lol.

Couple #1 I'll call "Angie" and "DJ" came together after a tug of war between DJ and a third party.

Couple #2 I'll call "Claudia" and "Nic"... well basically Nic outright stole Claudia from underneath someone else...lol.

By default I've become the person that all of them come to for advice, although I try to reserve my commentary for any number of reasons, not the least of which is I have a vested interest and a natural conflict of interest in all parties involved, ya dig?

So this morning, I managed to get them all together in a conference call session...which was hilarity in and of itself, but somewhere in the middle of sideline commentary...

the L word got dropped.

It was dropped between Nic and Claudia mutually. This I knew, but to have it confirmed...

When I left the conversation to go to a meeting, Nic had confirmed to Angie (sideline of course) that indeed the L word had been used. Funny thing was, as Angie was telling me the story, she proceeded to tell me that she was/is prepared to drop. the. L. word as well. (and since I started writing this-- DJ has said the L word is in play with Angie)

Blink. Blink.

Needless to say I was (still am) stunned. Speechless in fact.

See, me, (not that I believe any of them are guilty of this) I can't see throwing "Love" out there lightly. Yes I actually said it... L.O.V.E. the dreaded LOVE.

I'm the type of person who will only say it if I mean it. I don't want to drag anyone's emotions through the dirt and I damn sure don't want to say it and get...


*crickets*


On top of that, I've never been a forwardly emotional person. Besides that word is very, very powerful and once it is out there, you ever notice that you suddenly feel obligated to respond to it?

Hence my hesitancy to even use it in the first place. It tends to complicate things anyway.

However...

I will freely admit right here right now...

I am not "in love"

You thought I was going to say I was... LMAO... um...no.

Matter of fact, just had a whole long conversation about this. I'll say the door is slightly ajar at best, but if anyone thinks I'm opening it up anytime soon...they'll be sorely disappointed. Contrary to what you think, I'm gangsta leaning against it to keep it closed and I will duct tape it and nail it and super glue if I have to before I go dropping "love" all willy nilly...no matter how much I might like you...and I do like you, but um...it's NOT that serious, thank you! LMAO. At the same time though, I'm not one to tell someone else how they feel or how they're supposed to feel or even when they are supposed to feel it.

That being said... I am now watching two very happy couples in "love" and thinking to myself...

There but for a shut and locked door and a healthy dose of cynicism and skepticism goes I.

Episode 41- Letter to My Father

i wrote this about 6 months ago... never posted it, but I figure today it is appropriate.

I don't know why I about to do what I am about to do...but here goes...

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my family over the past week. Was speaking to family member and the subject of Drey's dad came up...they know the story. I don't even mention his name in a sentence anymore.

(I have this seriously uncanny ability to talk up and/or predict things at random. I am soooo not trying to talk up that man-- I won't even mention his name)

Anyway so I was thinking about my own dad. My biological father. I can't really call him a "father" seeing as how I've never met him. I never realized how much it really got to me. I mean I have a father figure in my life, but I just had this weird epiphany moment and so I wanted to write this letter mostly to my dad, but also to Drey's dad and all absentee fathers:

Dear (Absent) Father:

I used to be angry.

I used to be upset.

I used to wonder why we'd never met. Why I wasn't good enough for you to stick around. Why you missed all my firsts--steps, dates etc. Why you missed my graduations (I was the first one to finish college, ya know). Why it is growing up that I had to constantly explain to everyone that asked that I didn't have a dad. He wasn't dead--he just wasn't there. Do you have any idea what it's like to be 9 years old telling people my dad left before I was born? I am the definition of the word bastard.

Do you have any idea how your absence speaks to me? Any girl without a father or a man in her life will tell you, it leaves you feeling unworthy. And empty. And it affects you.

You say to yourself why didn't he love me? You say it a lot because you can't understand why you were rejected.

They say girls form relationships with men based on their fathers. I guess that's why my daughter's father is also absent. I choose someone just like you.

I used to get upset over your absence, but over the years I've just learned to deal. It's not my fault because I didn't ask and I didn't choose. And I understand that you were young and probably scared to death. I'm not absolving you I'm simply saying I understand. We all make bad choices at some point, and maybe if they're not too bad some can be corrected.

Maybe.

And maybe at this point it's too late for me. I don't need a father in my life because I am too old to be daddy's little girl.

That may sound angry, but how can I be angry at a stranger?

Really. I could pass you on the street today and be none the wiser.

I will say this...in case you were wondering-- I'm almost happy. My life has been far from perfect, but I'm still here.

One day I'd like to meet you, over lunch in some nice restaurant. You can tell me about the family I don't know--like how uncle so and so got drunk at the last family reunion. Tell me about my brothers and sisters (if I have any). Update me what's been going on with you. Look at pictures of your grandbaby and tell me how much she looks like me. Laugh with me over a few drinks--like we're friends or something. And then afterwards go our separate ways. Turn and walk in the opposite direction like you did 32 years ago--because then I'll know everything I wanted to know.

Like I said, I used to be angry. Until I realized that I would not be who I am had you been here.

I am a mother. I am a poet. I am a student. A friend. I am a daughter. I am your daughter. I am a stranger. I am...

ok without you.

Signed,

A Daughter Who Is No Longer Lost.

Episode 40- Angels With Broken Halos

I've been called a lot of things... some good, some bad.

Most recently, I've been referred to (more than once) as an angel with a broken halo.

I try to be good. I really try. I say what I mean for the most part even if sometimes--it hurts. I try to be honest about my feelings even if it's hard for me---I'm getting better at that. I don't intend to mislead people, I'm approachable, I'm nice--most of the time. I like to think I'm funny. I say all that to ask the question...

Is there a reason why I always seem to find myself in some sort of crazy romantic entanglement?

I'm over here minding my own business. LMAO. Matter of fact I have a new Muse. I'll admit I've been... inspired, but... there are others waiting in the wings so to speak. Waiting for the Muse to leave. Waiting to be that thing that brings out my creativity. But I don't want to scatter my energies all willy nilly to the wind. I would rather stay focused. It all sounds rather poetic doesn't it? LOL

But in the simplest explanation, have you ever notice that the second you focus your feelings on someone, all of a sudden someone else will try to spike the kool-aid? Either an ex will show up or someone you didn't know had feelings for you will decided that NOW is the perfect time to throw it out there.

Hmm... a conundrum of life I suppose.

And how do I respond to these advances when a) I'm trying to listen to one voice among several looking to get my attention b) when the voices know they are talking over each other. In other words, what's the nicest way possible to reinterate to a few people that you know I am trying to work with only ONE Muse and right now that is where my attention is focused and while I appreciate your feelings I can't with you at the moment.

My relationship with my Muse at this point is only in its beginning stages and I would like to see what comes of it. So, to the others...allow me to listen please.

Readjusting my broken halo.

Episode 38-When Waiting is Not Really an Option

Wow, so...

A few months back you may remember I wrote a blog post about my friend Mr. X --the one that had the extra crazy baby mama.

Now keep in mind this was just a few months ago...maybe 6 months at best

How about I just happened to catch a glance at Mr. X's facebook page and saw that he is engaged.

Paused. Let that sink in and then I let my fingers fly at 100 miles an hour to type out an email asking if perhaps I had just "missed something"...

Nope.

Turns out he just got engaged on Saturday to a girl he has been dating---not baby mama--a different girl.

Needless to say I am shocked. Pause. Let that sink in again. rattle of another email syaing that I suppose "congrats are in order" even though what I am thinking is... wow, seriously...given your track record with women this might not be your best idea...But then again who am I to call it. You are a grown man and I can't really find a reason to object if you're happy *side eye* And OMG when baby mama finds out it's a wrap!!!

Pause. Let THAT marinate. And...

I'm just gonna sit back over here in the corner with some popcorn and watch this made for tv movie. ROTFL.

Episode 37- What I've learned about women

I realize, I've been neglecting my blogs. yeah yeah I know I know...but work has been hectic plus I inadventantly became the adminstrator for an online women's group that has kept me busy, busy, busy, entertained and busy...whew...lol

And that's what is prompting this blog entry...the group. How to best put this...

They are the wildest, funniest group of people I've ever come across. Now I'm not usually big on joining online groups because you never quite know people's agendas and sometimes if they are not handled properly you get too much back fighting and negativity and then you feel like why the hell did I get myself into this...

But this...completely different. Completely. LOL. And in my capacity as admin I've learned a few things that I would like to share.

1. The people who are the wildest, loudest, most outrageous on the boards...are typically the exact opposite in real life

2. The people who are the most quiet, reserved and laid back... are typically the exact opposite in real life

3. Women are completely capable of holding conversations with, debating, encouraging and building with other women on an intellectual and friendship level without being catty or negative. Who knew? LOL

4. Women have a hard time expressing what it is they really want because a lot of us were taught to be sideline or to sacrifice for the sake of whatever...i.e. we don't take enough time for ourselves to really know what we want much less what we deserve

5. If you really want to understand women...shut up and listen... (I tell my male friends this all the time. LMAO)

Ok...I can't give away all the girl secrets. But what I will say is that this has been an interesting experience for me so far.

I wonder why it can't all be so simple in real life?

Episode 35- To Every Asshole I've Ever Loved...

...leave me the hell alone.

You're my ex for a reason.

First...S emails me...I chose not to respond. Then calls me. I didn't mean to respond. See my previous post in Episode 31. Why can't we just leave it right there?

But wait, that's not even the funny part of the story. Last Friday my other ex...the one from Episode 34, contacted me. Ok, short story we were together for 4 years. He cheated on me at the tail end of our relationship (but this isn't why we broke up) and MARRIED the girl he cheated on me with. They moved to Texas and they have 2 kids together (plus 1 each from other relationships).

The weird thing is, I was cool with him and wifey (because at that point I just didn't care) for a minute until I was told by him, out of the clear blue that she didn't want us to be friends and didn't want him calling me anymore--mind you, this was like a year or two into their relationship, so this wasn't anything new. I was like whatever, I thought we were better than that, but I respect your realtionship.

Since that happened, my ex maybe calls me at most every 6 months or so just to check up on me because he was really tight with my family. I've never called him. But when we do speak, the conversation is usually along the lines of how you doin, how're the kids, casual chit chat whatever aight holla...I've never stepped outta place, I don't want him back. I'm so past that.

Last night I was up late watching a movie and he IMs me...I didn't think anything of it since we just spoke on Friday. We go back and forth for about a half hour...he tells me he still hasn't told wifey that we've spoke and asks if he should...methinks something is up. I say (with all sincerity) I don't care. Tell her, don't tell her, that's between y'all--I don't have to hide who I speak to.

Anyway, I find out during the course of the convo that he cheated on his wife.

Can't say this surprises me. So we keep talking and toward the back end I get a message that says "I justed wanted to thank you."

??? For what ???

For letting me know that my husband is a liar and I'm ready to leave his ass and take the kids and nail him to the wall for child support... come to find out I was talking to his WIFE!

I busted out laughing. I was like what was all the duplicity for? Anything you wanted to know I could've just TOLD you. LMAO.

We keep chatting...

I tell her that whatever is going on is between them. Again...keep in mind I speak to him casually twice a year at most. She tells me--well it just that he lies about so much and about the dumbest stuff. He even lied to me about his porn collection...lmao...I could've told her about that for the asking since I gave him some of the movies. Big deal. Then she gets to telling me how she found a hotel receipt that proves he cheated on her but he still lies about it.

The kicker was when she said... I wish I had known before we got married and had kids.

Seriously?

Lemme understand this... he cheated on me with YOU,and you somehow thought your pussy was so magically delicious he wasn't going to do that shit to you?

Bwahahahahahahaha!!! Now that's some funny shit right there!!!

I feel kinda bad for her, but then again I don't. Because karma is a bitch and anyone who says differently is a worse liar than my ex.

Episode 34- The Definition of Irony

Post of a conversation I had with an ex who cheated on me and then married the girl he cheated on me with, re: some mutual friends of ours...

Me: you still working at the same place?

LS: well i still work for the same company doing tthe same thing

Me: oh cool. btw I talked to D**** recently

LS: how is she doing

Me: fine. you know J got married and had a baby

LS: congrats

Me: um...he married the girl he cheatd on D**** with (thinking to myself does this sound vaguely familiar)

LS: u could have given us an invite

Me: I wasn't invited

Me: she told me about it after the fact.

Me: when J***** sent her a picture of the baby

LS: what u lost me who is j***

Me: lol...you were confuzzled there for a sec huh?

Me: J****

Me: you're getting old and senile. j**** as in d***** and j*****------j*****


Mind you, these were our closest friends when my ex and I lived together. Birds of a feather flock together I suppose. LMAO

Episode 34- Easter with my family

I'm going to take a momentary break from my usual semi-snarky, semi-witty, observational commentary...but just for a moment, to reveal the soft side that not too many people seem to think I have.

Today is Easter Sunday. Instead of being with my family, I'm home alone blogging. My parents and daughter are on the west coast, the rest of my family is in Ohio. I couldn't make either trip this time around. I miss them. Even if I don't tell them enough.

Easter is the one holiday in my family that usually gets us all together. In my youth, these family gatherings would be split between my grandmother's and her sister's--my great aunt's-- house. At my grandmother's we would do Easter breakfast. I would get to drink coffee--even at age 7. I would wake up early looking for my basket from "the Easter Bunny." I knew even then, that my basket came from the hands of my mom and grandmother. After breakfast I would don my Easter dress either for church or for the trip over to my great-aunt's. We would dye eggs, hunt for them in my grandmother's back yard. Eat cake that my mother and I or my aunt would bring. One year we made finger toffee. My older cousins/uncles who thought they knew everything, got their hands stuck together in molasses.

My grandmother died of cancer just after Easter 1984.

Every Easter after that one became significant. My family moved around some and eventually fractured over the next couple of years with the back to back deaths of my grandfather and step-grandfather. We spend most subsequent Easter Sundays at the home of my great aunt. It usually goes something like this...a crowd of family and friends in the neighborhood of 25-50 people, church, a huge dinner, an Easter egg hunt for the kids, a liquor bottle hunt for the adults (using miniature bottles) and hours spent jumping on the moon bounce (my family owns one) in the front yard or playing video games or bean bag toss in the garage.

My cousins and I got older and it became our kids on Easter Sunday hunting for eggs, jumping on the moon bounce. I bounce with them. I play Easter bunny, fixing baskets for the kids. I watch them play in their Easter Sunday clothes as we, now parents, urge them not to mess them up. My mom, now mamaw and my great aunt and the older adults talk in the living room or smoke in the second kitchen at the back of the house. My family, for better or worse, seems like a family.

Today is Easter Sunday. And instead of being with my family, I'm home alone blogging. And I miss them. Even if I don't tell them enough.

Episode 31- This is NOT up for discussion

The (truncated version) of the conversation I just had...

Me: Hello.

S: I'm unhappy without you.

Me: Thought we agreed not to talk.

S: I'm unhappy without you. I really want to work it out

Me: Ok, well this is not up for discussion

S: I want you back

Me: this is not up for discussion

S: can't we talk about it

Me: this is not up for discussion

S: How're you just so cold like that. You just want to give up?

Me: (feeling confuzzled since we broke up like more than 2 months ago and I KNOW I said I was FINISHED and put it in WRITING no less). Um, yeah.

S: So what should I do, I don't want to be with anyone else except you.

Me: I don't know how to advise you on that, because as I said, this is no longer up for discussion. Let it go.

S: C'mon man.

Me: this is not up for discussion

S: You know I will show up at your house.

Me: I don't think you have it in you, but I wouldn't be surprised if you did. Doesn't matter though, cause I don't want to talk about this.

S: You don't think I have it in me?

Me: Nope. But again, nothing would surprise me.

S: I just want to talk to you.

Me: at the risk of repeating myself...this topic is not up for discussion. Not now, not later.

S: We can't talk about this at all?

Me: What exactly is there to talk about? I said what I had to say last time and I told you I am tired of you fence straddling. You do NOT know what it is you want. One minute you want to be with me next minute you don't, then you want to be my friend, next minute you can't...I'm done! End of discussion.

S: I know what I want. I want you. You know this hurts me and you're not thinking about anyone except yourself.

Me: Actually, YOU are not thinking of anyone except YOURself. I made myself VERY clear. Repeatedly. I know what I said 'cause I was THERE when I said it. Period. This topic is NO LONGER up for DISCUSSION.

---call ends. Ten mins later...

Me: (exasperated.) Hel-lo.

S: (sounding tearful) So do you want me to leave you alone?

Me: (for the love of Jesus, Allah, Buddah, Mary, Joseph, Confucious and Captain Crunch) YES!

----
Did anything I said seem unclear there? I didn't think so. **Sigh!**

Episode 30- Swagger like Us. You're Not Famous...

...so why the hell do you need an entourage?

I'm just asking. But this is not why I wrote--although it plays a part in the story.

I hate this word, I do, but it recently came to my attention that I have no "swagger." I pretty much never gave a f!%#, but whatever... that's the consensus.

Why do I need 'swagger'...seems everyone these days has it and some are overdosing on it. I saw the swagger overdose first hand last night...

I decided to be bold and hit up this lounge I've been trying to go to for awhile. They do a mix and mingle event there once a month. I had invited a friend, but a last minute plan change had me going solo. Let me say upfront, I had a nice time. I chatted up a couple of people over drinks, watched bits and pieces of the NCAA tourney on the big screen, danced a little and then decided to hang back and do my usual m.o.--which is to watch and observe.

Here's where the plot thickens--turns out, the DJ at this place is someone I flirted with awhile back on an online dating site. The world is small and flat. Anyway, keep in mind I was Hans Solo last night so I couldn't do the casual "let me dance within your field of vision move" and hope for the recognition factor to kick in...and besides DJ xxx (as referenced from here on out) had a bunch of hard looking, mean muggin', "pretty boy" groupies/entourage members standing up against the DJ booth cock blocking as it were...or at least throwing a major kink in the game plan.

Meanwhile, as our heroine (that would be me) stands by the bar and contemplates this conundrum, I get the feeling that someone is watching me, casually getting closer and closer to my fortress of solitude. I wanted to say...if you want to talk to me I like to think I am approachable--but alas no. I casually sipped on my vodka cranberry while playing the cat, mouse, cat game all night. DJ xxx never came out of the damn booth. The "we love DJ xxx" fan club in their ever swaggerific gear never moved out of the way...and ol creepy starey, just kept well...staring, but never ended up talking to me.

Now, I relayed this story to a couple of friends this morning and I proceeded to say something that I find to be true...I do not believe that people see me as "approachable" and you know why???

Swagger. There's THAT word again.

No, but seriously...I have noticed that when I walk in a room just looking cute and really make an effort to look like someone who is nice and friendly and approachable (which is what i did last night)...nothing. But lemme walk in like f' you and everything you stand, kneel and lay down for, oh it's on and poppin. It's like I will reek of eau du "get the hell away from me" and it becomes an instant aphrodisiac. Go figure!

But see the thing with me is...I can't be like that all the time. It's just not me. And if you don't have it in you to come to me when you're interested then that's your loss. I'm all for meeting new people whether it turns into something or not. If I don't have enough 'swagger' I will still continue to do me.

No one on the corner has swagger like us, swagger like us, swagger swagger like us...

Episode 28- Comprehension Skills and Chicken and Waffles

Ok...

I had pretty much kept quiet about S since the breakup. But TODAY I was sufficiently pushed over the edge over to feel COMPELLED to write commentary. This is not a good thing...

Apparently S has what I like to refer to as Chicken and Waffles Syndrome. Lemme 'splain...

Have you ever walked into a restaurant and not known what you want to eat? you don't know whether you have a taste for something salty or something sweet, your palatte is having conflict of interest issues...the cure for this is chicken and waffles. Seriously! For some reason the combination of those two things eaten at any time of the day will immediately cure whatever craving you had, stop you from fence straddling, increase your decision making and comprehension skills as well as cure your hunger...even better if it is followed by an Arnold Palmer (that's half sweet tea, half lemonade).

I would love to force feed S an entire bucket of fried chicken and about 50 waffles cause right now I feel like there are some serious issues with indecision going on over here.



When we broke up, I was crystal clear about what I wanted and where we stood. The only thing I could've done to be clearer about it was skywrite it. I said I wanted us to be friends and the response I got was no.

If someone tells me we can't be friends then I have no need to call you, IM you, have idle chit chat or rehash any parts of our relationship.

So imagine my surprise when I get a call weeks later from S complaining about how I made no effort to call or speak.

Ooooooooooooooooooook?

Whatever.

Yesterday, S calls me, apologizes, tells me that we should attempt to be friends. I'm thinking wow, ok...this is mature. Glad we can handle this like adults. But I start seeing where this might be headed when we spoke last night...the conversation kept steering in the direction of talking about the relationship. RED FLAG.

This brings me to today...we are on IM this morning. S starts joking about seeing someone new. Truth be told I don't care. Yeah it kinda hurts, but who am I to stop you at this point. I'm the one who walked in the first place so, do you. When I asked about it, S does what S always does to get a reaction out of me which is avoid my question by asking about my daughter.

Pump your brakes got damn it!!!

I'm not going for it and I said so. So, S calls me at WORK with an attitude no less and then pulls a 180 and says we need to get back together.

Say what?

Ok...lemme get this straight... first you tell me you can't handle being friends and then suddenly you can, then you turn around and start this bs about you want us back together.

Eat some chicken and waffles and make up your got damn mind!!!

My decision has BEEN made. I'm full and I have the itis. *BURP* Check, please!

Episode 19- My Baby Mama is a Stripper

Got a phone call today while I was at work and have been laughing my butt off about it ever since.

I mentioned awhile back I have this friend I'll call E who's husband cheated on her.


Now E's husband had a baby with said Random Chick, who turned out to be a complete and total psychopath. In all the tit for tat back and forth to court, jail etc etc., E managed to get Random Chick fired from her job awhile back (which would've probably happened regardless because Random Chick is an admitted drug user).

So... economy being what it is, Random Chick has apparently become a stripper at a local club. Now I'm not knocking anyone's hustle, BUT

This is funny for a few reasons...

a) Random Chick is not what I would call stripper material in the buttockal (yeah I made that shyt up...lol) area (unless you like members of the nosital crew).

b) the reason E knows that Random Chick is now dancing for change (and I don't mean for Obama) is because another stripper who knows baby daddy snitched on her.

I though strippers had some sorta code of ethics regarding stuff like that. Can they stripper sanction her, or like take away her pole priveleges for that? I mean if you can't trust a stripper with your secrets, who can you trust?

ROTFL. But damn if this wasn't made for tv...

And the FUNNIEST part is, now my homegirl wants me to go with her to the strip club (the bi girl taking the straight girl to the girl on girl strip club to see the baby mama shake her non-existant ass on a pole...ooooh THIS should be GOOD and COMICAL)!!