Today's advice on how to avoid a WTF moment: If you are going to carry on an affair with a married woman, make sure you don't put pictures of yourself and said woman all over your Facebook page while simultaneously declaring your love...especially if you are friends with each other's spouses/significant others.
That is all.
Showing posts with label cheaters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cheaters. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Monday, April 20, 2009
Episode 35- To Every Asshole I've Ever Loved...
...leave me the hell alone.
You're my ex for a reason.
First...S emails me...I chose not to respond. Then calls me. I didn't mean to respond. See my previous post in Episode 31. Why can't we just leave it right there?
But wait, that's not even the funny part of the story. Last Friday my other ex...the one from Episode 34, contacted me. Ok, short story we were together for 4 years. He cheated on me at the tail end of our relationship (but this isn't why we broke up) and MARRIED the girl he cheated on me with. They moved to Texas and they have 2 kids together (plus 1 each from other relationships).
The weird thing is, I was cool with him and wifey (because at that point I just didn't care) for a minute until I was told by him, out of the clear blue that she didn't want us to be friends and didn't want him calling me anymore--mind you, this was like a year or two into their relationship, so this wasn't anything new. I was like whatever, I thought we were better than that, but I respect your realtionship.
Since that happened, my ex maybe calls me at most every 6 months or so just to check up on me because he was really tight with my family. I've never called him. But when we do speak, the conversation is usually along the lines of how you doin, how're the kids, casual chit chat whatever aight holla...I've never stepped outta place, I don't want him back. I'm so past that.
Last night I was up late watching a movie and he IMs me...I didn't think anything of it since we just spoke on Friday. We go back and forth for about a half hour...he tells me he still hasn't told wifey that we've spoke and asks if he should...methinks something is up. I say (with all sincerity) I don't care. Tell her, don't tell her, that's between y'all--I don't have to hide who I speak to.
Anyway, I find out during the course of the convo that he cheated on his wife.
Can't say this surprises me. So we keep talking and toward the back end I get a message that says "I justed wanted to thank you."
??? For what ???
For letting me know that my husband is a liar and I'm ready to leave his ass and take the kids and nail him to the wall for child support... come to find out I was talking to his WIFE!
I busted out laughing. I was like what was all the duplicity for? Anything you wanted to know I could've just TOLD you. LMAO.
We keep chatting...
I tell her that whatever is going on is between them. Again...keep in mind I speak to him casually twice a year at most. She tells me--well it just that he lies about so much and about the dumbest stuff. He even lied to me about his porn collection...lmao...I could've told her about that for the asking since I gave him some of the movies. Big deal. Then she gets to telling me how she found a hotel receipt that proves he cheated on her but he still lies about it.
The kicker was when she said... I wish I had known before we got married and had kids.
Seriously?
Lemme understand this... he cheated on me with YOU,and you somehow thought your pussy was so magically delicious he wasn't going to do that shit to you?
Bwahahahahahahaha!!! Now that's some funny shit right there!!!
I feel kinda bad for her, but then again I don't. Because karma is a bitch and anyone who says differently is a worse liar than my ex.
You're my ex for a reason.
First...S emails me...I chose not to respond. Then calls me. I didn't mean to respond. See my previous post in Episode 31. Why can't we just leave it right there?
But wait, that's not even the funny part of the story. Last Friday my other ex...the one from Episode 34, contacted me. Ok, short story we were together for 4 years. He cheated on me at the tail end of our relationship (but this isn't why we broke up) and MARRIED the girl he cheated on me with. They moved to Texas and they have 2 kids together (plus 1 each from other relationships).
The weird thing is, I was cool with him and wifey (because at that point I just didn't care) for a minute until I was told by him, out of the clear blue that she didn't want us to be friends and didn't want him calling me anymore--mind you, this was like a year or two into their relationship, so this wasn't anything new. I was like whatever, I thought we were better than that, but I respect your realtionship.
Since that happened, my ex maybe calls me at most every 6 months or so just to check up on me because he was really tight with my family. I've never called him. But when we do speak, the conversation is usually along the lines of how you doin, how're the kids, casual chit chat whatever aight holla...I've never stepped outta place, I don't want him back. I'm so past that.
Last night I was up late watching a movie and he IMs me...I didn't think anything of it since we just spoke on Friday. We go back and forth for about a half hour...he tells me he still hasn't told wifey that we've spoke and asks if he should...methinks something is up. I say (with all sincerity) I don't care. Tell her, don't tell her, that's between y'all--I don't have to hide who I speak to.
Anyway, I find out during the course of the convo that he cheated on his wife.
Can't say this surprises me. So we keep talking and toward the back end I get a message that says "I justed wanted to thank you."
??? For what ???
For letting me know that my husband is a liar and I'm ready to leave his ass and take the kids and nail him to the wall for child support... come to find out I was talking to his WIFE!
I busted out laughing. I was like what was all the duplicity for? Anything you wanted to know I could've just TOLD you. LMAO.
We keep chatting...
I tell her that whatever is going on is between them. Again...keep in mind I speak to him casually twice a year at most. She tells me--well it just that he lies about so much and about the dumbest stuff. He even lied to me about his porn collection...lmao...I could've told her about that for the asking since I gave him some of the movies. Big deal. Then she gets to telling me how she found a hotel receipt that proves he cheated on her but he still lies about it.
The kicker was when she said... I wish I had known before we got married and had kids.
Seriously?
Lemme understand this... he cheated on me with YOU,and you somehow thought your pussy was so magically delicious he wasn't going to do that shit to you?
Bwahahahahahahaha!!! Now that's some funny shit right there!!!
I feel kinda bad for her, but then again I don't. Because karma is a bitch and anyone who says differently is a worse liar than my ex.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Episode 34- The Definition of Irony
Post of a conversation I had with an ex who cheated on me and then married the girl he cheated on me with, re: some mutual friends of ours...
Me: you still working at the same place?
LS: well i still work for the same company doing tthe same thing
Me: oh cool. btw I talked to D**** recently
LS: how is she doing
Me: fine. you know J got married and had a baby
LS: congrats
Me: um...he married the girl he cheatd on D**** with (thinking to myself does this sound vaguely familiar)
LS: u could have given us an invite
Me: I wasn't invited
Me: she told me about it after the fact.
Me: when J***** sent her a picture of the baby
LS: what u lost me who is j***
Me: lol...you were confuzzled there for a sec huh?
Me: J****
Me: you're getting old and senile. j**** as in d***** and j*****------j*****
Mind you, these were our closest friends when my ex and I lived together. Birds of a feather flock together I suppose. LMAO
Me: you still working at the same place?
LS: well i still work for the same company doing tthe same thing
Me: oh cool. btw I talked to D**** recently
LS: how is she doing
Me: fine. you know J got married and had a baby
LS: congrats
Me: um...he married the girl he cheatd on D**** with (thinking to myself does this sound vaguely familiar)
LS: u could have given us an invite
Me: I wasn't invited
Me: she told me about it after the fact.
Me: when J***** sent her a picture of the baby
LS: what u lost me who is j***
Me: lol...you were confuzzled there for a sec huh?
Me: J****
Me: you're getting old and senile. j**** as in d***** and j*****------j*****
Mind you, these were our closest friends when my ex and I lived together. Birds of a feather flock together I suppose. LMAO
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Episode 22- Adventures in Dating (Retroactive)
On one of my favorite social networking sites, there was a good discussion post today (which actually brewed over into a virtual catfight which is ongoing even as I am posting this up...that's a whole other blog post though...tune in for the next episode and maybe I'll have a conclusion)
Anywho, the original question posted to a women's group was something to the effect of what's the worst lie a man has ever told you? did you forgive him, and if so why?
I have some stories I could tell. Hence why I named my blog Jerry Springer Moments--because incredible, overdramatic, almost unbelievable soap opera-esqe stories are always happening to me. And were I not there to experience them I almost wouldn't believe them. Soooo I'm going to reprint the story I posted in response to the question. I swear all of this is true, I only changed the names:
I dated this man for a year while I was in college. It was long distance because I went to school out of state, but he was making these 6 hours trip to come see me nearly every weekend or I would come either home to DC or we'd meet up in NYC where his family lived. Like I said this went on for about a year. Things were fantastic...I had met all of his family, stayed at his mother's house one weekend, all that.
Ok, he joined the military and about a year into our relationship he told me he had a choice of getting stationed either at a base about a half hour from where I went to school, or to a base in Georgia. Well he decided on Georgia.
One weekend right about the time he was supposed to be leaving, we were both home and we had this huge blow out fight, and he told me he was leaving early the next day to start moving stuff down to GA. So like 2-3 in the afternoon that next day, I go pick up my best friend from her apartment building and I go to get in the elevator and as the doors opens this fool gets off carrying boxes and behind him is this random chick also carrying boxes. He says "hi" to me and keeps walking!!!!! My other friend had to snatch me back in the elevator before I could make a scene. I tell my best friend and we're ready to go looking for him, when...he gets off the elevator on the floor we're on. Walks over to my best friend, tries to hug her and then me. Random chick just kept walking past.
Well of course when I finally got a chance to call this fool out, the lie he gave me was that he didn't know the girl like that and his uncle paid him to help this girl move her stuff out of her apartment so he did it so he'd have some extra funds to travel on...
That might have been reasonbly plausible...IF...it wasn't for the fact that the random chick just by sheer coincidence happened to live across the hall from my best friend. We ran into her again a few days later and asked her. Turns out, SHE WAS HIS FIANCEE. They'd been together for TWO YEARS (which techinically made me the other woman--but I was the public front, his family had never met her). She was packing up to move to Georgia with him!! So I told her EVERYTHING. I think that despite that she still moved down there---at least for a little while. Me on the other hand, I rolled out baseball bat in hand ready to confront him but he pulled a Ron Browz and jumped out the window.
Funny thing is...like 2 or 3 years later he somehow got my email address and wrote me an apology
Again true story! I snuck into his apartment building behind a pizza delivery guy (because he lived in a security building) and rolled up in my kick ass gear with a baseball bat in hand. I left it at the front door of the apartment when I saw his grandmother and two of his uncles standing there. Ol boy was drinking a beer. When he saw me come in you'd have thought he saw Lucifer in the flesh. He went the back way out of the kitchen and jumped off the second story balcony. LMAO.
A year went by before I saw him again in a mall parking lot and I refused to speak to him...
Then like another year or two after that, out of nowhere he sent me an email basically apologizing for the whole thing. I was shocked needless to say. Also needless to say, we obviously never got back together, but we manage to actually keep in touch every now and then. He never did marry the other chick, but he stayed in the military for awhile, got shipped overseas, ended up having a son and last I heard was a pretty successful DJ somewhere in this area.
I look back on that whole thing as both a comedy and a life lesson. Glad I can laugh about it now. Like I said before if it hadn't happened to me I almost wouldn't believe it. But that's what defines a good Jerry Springer Moment I guess...
And my final thought: If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
-D
Anywho, the original question posted to a women's group was something to the effect of what's the worst lie a man has ever told you? did you forgive him, and if so why?
I have some stories I could tell. Hence why I named my blog Jerry Springer Moments--because incredible, overdramatic, almost unbelievable soap opera-esqe stories are always happening to me. And were I not there to experience them I almost wouldn't believe them. Soooo I'm going to reprint the story I posted in response to the question. I swear all of this is true, I only changed the names:
I dated this man for a year while I was in college. It was long distance because I went to school out of state, but he was making these 6 hours trip to come see me nearly every weekend or I would come either home to DC or we'd meet up in NYC where his family lived. Like I said this went on for about a year. Things were fantastic...I had met all of his family, stayed at his mother's house one weekend, all that.
Ok, he joined the military and about a year into our relationship he told me he had a choice of getting stationed either at a base about a half hour from where I went to school, or to a base in Georgia. Well he decided on Georgia.
One weekend right about the time he was supposed to be leaving, we were both home and we had this huge blow out fight, and he told me he was leaving early the next day to start moving stuff down to GA. So like 2-3 in the afternoon that next day, I go pick up my best friend from her apartment building and I go to get in the elevator and as the doors opens this fool gets off carrying boxes and behind him is this random chick also carrying boxes. He says "hi" to me and keeps walking!!!!! My other friend had to snatch me back in the elevator before I could make a scene. I tell my best friend and we're ready to go looking for him, when...he gets off the elevator on the floor we're on. Walks over to my best friend, tries to hug her and then me. Random chick just kept walking past.
Well of course when I finally got a chance to call this fool out, the lie he gave me was that he didn't know the girl like that and his uncle paid him to help this girl move her stuff out of her apartment so he did it so he'd have some extra funds to travel on...
That might have been reasonbly plausible...IF...it wasn't for the fact that the random chick just by sheer coincidence happened to live across the hall from my best friend. We ran into her again a few days later and asked her. Turns out, SHE WAS HIS FIANCEE. They'd been together for TWO YEARS (which techinically made me the other woman--but I was the public front, his family had never met her). She was packing up to move to Georgia with him!! So I told her EVERYTHING. I think that despite that she still moved down there---at least for a little while. Me on the other hand, I rolled out baseball bat in hand ready to confront him but he pulled a Ron Browz and jumped out the window.
Funny thing is...like 2 or 3 years later he somehow got my email address and wrote me an apology
Again true story! I snuck into his apartment building behind a pizza delivery guy (because he lived in a security building) and rolled up in my kick ass gear with a baseball bat in hand. I left it at the front door of the apartment when I saw his grandmother and two of his uncles standing there. Ol boy was drinking a beer. When he saw me come in you'd have thought he saw Lucifer in the flesh. He went the back way out of the kitchen and jumped off the second story balcony. LMAO.
A year went by before I saw him again in a mall parking lot and I refused to speak to him...
Then like another year or two after that, out of nowhere he sent me an email basically apologizing for the whole thing. I was shocked needless to say. Also needless to say, we obviously never got back together, but we manage to actually keep in touch every now and then. He never did marry the other chick, but he stayed in the military for awhile, got shipped overseas, ended up having a son and last I heard was a pretty successful DJ somewhere in this area.
I look back on that whole thing as both a comedy and a life lesson. Glad I can laugh about it now. Like I said before if it hadn't happened to me I almost wouldn't believe it. But that's what defines a good Jerry Springer Moment I guess...
And my final thought: If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
-D
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Episode 17- What you Won't Do For Love
One of my very good friends offered me this piece of sage advice a few years ago.
She said, just because you love somebody doesn't mean you should be with them.
It's true.
Sometimes you do what you can and things just don't fall into place. It happens like that.
She said, just because you love somebody doesn't mean you should be with them.
It's true.
Sometimes you do what you can and things just don't fall into place. It happens like that.
I still love S, despite whatever. But I know it doesn't work for us to be together. We can't seem to get on the same page about anything.
My "big brother" as much as he tries to deny it...still has feelings for his baby mama. Granted he's well aware of the fact that she a psychopath in every sense of the word.
My other friend Liz, as much as she complains about her husband...and he did do her dirty, I know she loves him, but at the same time I don't know if she wants to be married to him.
I say all the time that I think people make relationships more complicated than they need to be. But love is a complicated thing. It will make you do the most unthinkable, retarded stuff you have every done. It will make you lose all rationale and common sense. Whoever originally said it's better to have loved and lost... probably committed suicide and died a virgin. I'm neither cynical nor jaded, I'm just saying...
My question then becomes what's worse...letting go and starting over (with the hope that you might or might not get it right with someone else)? or staying in hoping that things will get better (with the possibility that they won't)?
The answer is...
Monday, January 5, 2009
Episode 15- To Be or Not to Be. Who the Hell Cares
I just came across a very interesting discussion on the new social networking site I've been playing with--I'm so addicted...lol. Anyway, I'm paraphrasing, but the question pertained to if you are gay/lesbian/bisexual/whatever whether or not you necessarily need to "come out" to people. Key word being need.
The short version of my answer (in typical me fashion) was:
What? is it like graduating from college? Do I need to write formal announcements and handwritten cards that say "thank you for accepting me" I don't feel like I NEED to come out anymore than I NEED to announce that I'm black. I am what I am. If either one makes a difference in the way you deal with me then you don't NEED to deal with me...
Oh for the record I am bisexual. Have been for a minute. Go figure.
Just so we're clear, I am neither confused or fence straddling. I hate labels. To say I am a lesbian would be completely inaccurate. I still like and/or appreciate men--just so happens I like and/or appreciate women too. It is what it is and I am cool with it. My girlfriend is very aware of it and to this point is cool with it (yes, put two and two together S is a girl--makes so much more sense now huh?).
Yes, I put myself out there, but go back a few sentences... if it makes a difference, in fact if I've grown a third head in the last 30 seconds please let me know. I feel like at this point I'm grown, the hell I have to worry about. Anyone who knows me in the least shouldn't be surprised by anything I say or do anyway. I think I killed my shock value years ago...lol.
Anyway back to the original question...
Whether I think you "need" to come out. Honestly I think you should only tell people on a need to know basis. Um.. the people you are sleeping with or potentially trying to sleep with--need to know. Co-workers--don't need to know unless you're prepared to have them all up in your business. My friends need to (and do) know (how awkward would conversations about our love lives be otherwise...rotfl). My family, some know some don't. This has been a source of conflict with me and S for a few months. I haven't told my mom and step dad up to this point because we'd been going through so much shit I really didn't feel it was appropriate to drop that piece of news on them. I think I dropped enough bombs over baghdad in 2008.
However, last two visits with my mom since the move, I actually tried to tell her. Never happened, not for lack of trying though--she cut me off before I could get to the good part. I mean I could call my mom on the phone and tell her, but I believe that this conversation should take place in person.
This resulted in a long drawn out unnecessary argument with S about a week or two ago. Now, she told her mom--against my advice. Her mother is in somewhat ill health and far more conservative than mine--not to mention she decided to wait until we were in the middle of a break-up to do it. Why, I have no idea, but she made her own bed with that one. Whatever--that is neither here nor there.
So back to the question...
Is it necessary to "come out"?
Or my question, what precisely am I "coming out" of since I have never been in. And even if I do, does it matter and who cares...
Fuck the existential question.
The short version of my answer (in typical me fashion) was:
What? is it like graduating from college? Do I need to write formal announcements and handwritten cards that say "thank you for accepting me" I don't feel like I NEED to come out anymore than I NEED to announce that I'm black. I am what I am. If either one makes a difference in the way you deal with me then you don't NEED to deal with me...
Oh for the record I am bisexual. Have been for a minute. Go figure.
Just so we're clear, I am neither confused or fence straddling. I hate labels. To say I am a lesbian would be completely inaccurate. I still like and/or appreciate men--just so happens I like and/or appreciate women too. It is what it is and I am cool with it. My girlfriend is very aware of it and to this point is cool with it (yes, put two and two together S is a girl--makes so much more sense now huh?).
Yes, I put myself out there, but go back a few sentences... if it makes a difference, in fact if I've grown a third head in the last 30 seconds please let me know. I feel like at this point I'm grown, the hell I have to worry about. Anyone who knows me in the least shouldn't be surprised by anything I say or do anyway. I think I killed my shock value years ago...lol.
Anyway back to the original question...
Whether I think you "need" to come out. Honestly I think you should only tell people on a need to know basis. Um.. the people you are sleeping with or potentially trying to sleep with--need to know. Co-workers--don't need to know unless you're prepared to have them all up in your business. My friends need to (and do) know (how awkward would conversations about our love lives be otherwise...rotfl). My family, some know some don't. This has been a source of conflict with me and S for a few months. I haven't told my mom and step dad up to this point because we'd been going through so much shit I really didn't feel it was appropriate to drop that piece of news on them. I think I dropped enough bombs over baghdad in 2008.
However, last two visits with my mom since the move, I actually tried to tell her. Never happened, not for lack of trying though--she cut me off before I could get to the good part. I mean I could call my mom on the phone and tell her, but I believe that this conversation should take place in person.
This resulted in a long drawn out unnecessary argument with S about a week or two ago. Now, she told her mom--against my advice. Her mother is in somewhat ill health and far more conservative than mine--not to mention she decided to wait until we were in the middle of a break-up to do it. Why, I have no idea, but she made her own bed with that one. Whatever--that is neither here nor there.
So back to the question...
Is it necessary to "come out"?
Or my question, what precisely am I "coming out" of since I have never been in. And even if I do, does it matter and who cares...
Fuck the existential question.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Episode 14- Secret Squirrel
Man oh man I just had an adventure worthy of a JS Moment. And it's only the beginning of January. LOL.
So my a friend of mine called me a little while ago and tells me she's going to stop by my house for a few...actually she picked me up so we could go play Secret Squirrel.
Secret Squirrel is spying on your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/significant other
Gotta tell you a little back story on this. My friend (we'll call her J) is dealing with a very well off, very cute, very married (but currently separated) man. Given the circumstances of their (ahem) arrangement there are some inherent trust issues so she wanted to do a drive his job and see if he was being a good little boy.
So you know me...anything for the betterment of mankind--that's what we did. LMAO. Now mind you I haven't done one of my little stealth missions in minute. We get up there and park like across from the building--you can kinda see in and everything looks all good. After about a half hour or so he leaves and his business associate who was also there leaves. Now I had parallel parked the car across the street next to a fence to get a good vantage point and so we wouldn't been seen--you would've had to be looking to find us, plus I was parked behind an SUV.
Wouldn't you know ol' boy's business associate owned the SUV!!
He starts walking over towards the car. J is hiding in the passenger seat trying to scootch down with her hat on her face because this guy has met her before. Me on the other hand, I don't move cause I'm thinking maybe he won't notice me--which of course he sees me but I start giving the look like what--I'm waiting on someone so I think he saw me but he didn't acknowledge me so I just chilled until he left. Maaaaaaan that was some funny shyt right there. I think we laughed all the way back to the house. I was like what if we had got busted...
I'm a grown ass woman dog! Ionevenno (read: I don't even know...lol). I mean at that point in the game what do you even say or do if you get busted. Damn, you couldn't even lie about it...lol
Well, see, what had happened was...
I am so glad I can laugh at myself.
The good news is no news...he really was being good--at least momentarily. The world is safe for now from evil doers and cheating boyfriends.
So my a friend of mine called me a little while ago and tells me she's going to stop by my house for a few...actually she picked me up so we could go play Secret Squirrel.
Secret Squirrel is spying on your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/significant other
Gotta tell you a little back story on this. My friend (we'll call her J) is dealing with a very well off, very cute, very married (but currently separated) man. Given the circumstances of their (ahem) arrangement there are some inherent trust issues so she wanted to do a drive his job and see if he was being a good little boy.
So you know me...anything for the betterment of mankind--that's what we did. LMAO. Now mind you I haven't done one of my little stealth missions in minute. We get up there and park like across from the building--you can kinda see in and everything looks all good. After about a half hour or so he leaves and his business associate who was also there leaves. Now I had parallel parked the car across the street next to a fence to get a good vantage point and so we wouldn't been seen--you would've had to be looking to find us, plus I was parked behind an SUV.
Wouldn't you know ol' boy's business associate owned the SUV!!
He starts walking over towards the car. J is hiding in the passenger seat trying to scootch down with her hat on her face because this guy has met her before. Me on the other hand, I don't move cause I'm thinking maybe he won't notice me--which of course he sees me but I start giving the look like what--I'm waiting on someone so I think he saw me but he didn't acknowledge me so I just chilled until he left. Maaaaaaan that was some funny shyt right there. I think we laughed all the way back to the house. I was like what if we had got busted...
I'm a grown ass woman dog! Ionevenno (read: I don't even know...lol). I mean at that point in the game what do you even say or do if you get busted. Damn, you couldn't even lie about it...lol
Well, see, what had happened was...
I am so glad I can laugh at myself.
The good news is no news...he really was being good--at least momentarily. The world is safe for now from evil doers and cheating boyfriends.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Episode 11- Your Cheating Ways
I have been totally engrossed in this new social networking site I joined. They have a lot of "interesting" discussions (I guess that's the right word). On the site I joined a few groups, including a women's discussion group. I realize that that title is very redundant...lol
Anyway, a topic that I have seen come up more than once in the last few days is cheating. How do you know when you mate is cheating on you?
Good question. I have complied a few tell tale signs from various sources (complete with snarky commentary for your reading pleasure). My Christmas gift to you...I've taken the liberty of breaking it up into categories
THE PHONE
if he/she:
THE COMPUTER
if he/she:
if he/she
ATTITUDE
if he/she
if he/she
I'll explain-- see what had happened was I had the locks changed.
CAR
if...
SEX
if he/she
MONEY
if he/she
OBVIOUS MAN
Then of course if you bust the mutherfucker mid-stroke wearing your underwear, a zip up mask and a pair of high heels...um...yeah you can be pretty sure that their cheating.
Anyway, a topic that I have seen come up more than once in the last few days is cheating. How do you know when you mate is cheating on you?
Good question. I have complied a few tell tale signs from various sources (complete with snarky commentary for your reading pleasure). My Christmas gift to you...I've taken the liberty of breaking it up into categories
THE PHONE
if he/she:
- turns the phone off when you're around or puts it on silent
- dismisses calls or will not answer the phone around you
- frequently walks to another room to take calls and whispers or talks low
- takes a call in front of you but will only answer in short 1 word answers like "uh-huh," "yes" and "no"
- will not check messages while you are around
- changes the passwords on the voice mail
- doesn't answer the phone when YOU call, but let you call from another number and they quick as HELL to pick up
- clears out all incoming and outgoing text messages frequently
THE COMPUTER
if he/she:
- spends a LOT of time on IM or chatting (I mean excessive amounts of time)
- shuts everything off abrubtly when you walk in the room
- is up at 2, 3, 4 am chatting (if you live together, this is IMPORTANT)
- has his social networking page set to private (and you are not on friends list)
- has more than 2 email addresses (I can't say shyt I have like 6, but to be fair some of them are for school and some I NEVER use for anything other than to register accounts so I don't get spam)
- has open active accounts at dating sites. (if it's a same sex dating site and your mate is "NOT gay"....THAT's some SERIOUS Jerry Springer ish! I'll be looking for you on a future episode )
if it's a guy and one of his alias screennames is "butchboy_frombhd" somebody gots to get CUT up in here!
CLOTHING/PERSONAL APPEARANCE/HYGIENEif he/she
- shows up wearing different clothes from when they walked out the door (and you know they didn't just go play ball or something like that...)
- suddenly starts wearing new pieces of jewelry and you have no IDEA where it came from OR the wedding rings start coming up missing off the finger (and I'm telling you--let that be ME and THAT finger will get promptly cut off and shipped back to you in a box with the ring superglued to it and a note that reads--"let's see you take it off NOW!")
- switches from briefs to boxers or granny panties to thongs and NOT for you...only when they walk out the house and with no explanation
- carries and extra set of clothes in the car--for no reason
- starts dressing up to go to Wal-Mart (I had to tell somebody about THAT one on the blogs today! Have mercy!)
- Smell like new cologne/perfume/aftershave or shyt you KNOW you don't wear (I'll be Toucan Sam up in this piece.)
- If they come home and make an immediate beeline for the shower OR
- they come in smelling like they just HAD a shower when they shouldn't.
ATTITUDE
if he/she
- starts accusing YOU of cheating. RED ALERT RED ALERT. This is a RED ALERT. If you don't go anywhere and your mate is acting suspicious and then they come to YOU accusing you of cheating...that's a guilty conscious talking!
- doesn't want to go out with you anymore but quick to be up and out the house when their homeboy/homegirl calls
- has an attitude with you and/or starts fights so they can "Optimus Prime" (i.e. transform and roll out)
if he/she
- Suddenly has plans or has something come up last minute (and this happens a little too frequently to be coincidence)
- Tells you oh I was with my homeboy I'll be there in 5 mins and shows up an HOUR later
- Whenever you want to go to a certain place together there's always some excuse for why not(prolly cause the bitch he's fucking around with works there!)
- Disappears for large chunks of time that can't be explained...
I'll explain-- see what had happened was I had the locks changed.
CAR
if...
- the car smells of perfume/cologne that belongs to neither of you
- you find random items that do not belong to you and are clearly out of place (i.e. condoms, clothing articles, red hair weave. etc)
- the passenger seat is pushed into a different position and you "know" you were the last one in the car
SEX
if he/she
- comes up with some new ish that is clearly outside of their realm of expertise OR
- completely stops touching you OR
- starts carrying or coming up with condoms when you never used them before...
MONEY
if he/she
- comes up with money and you don't know the source
- is suddenly broke--all the time
- won't let you see the phone or credit card bills
OBVIOUS MAN
Then of course if you bust the mutherfucker mid-stroke wearing your underwear, a zip up mask and a pair of high heels...um...yeah you can be pretty sure that their cheating.
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