Episode 14- Secret Squirrel

Man oh man I just had an adventure worthy of a JS Moment. And it's only the beginning of January. LOL.

So my a friend of mine called me a little while ago and tells me she's going to stop by my house for a few...actually she picked me up so we could go play Secret Squirrel.

Secret Squirrel is spying on your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/significant other

Gotta tell you a little back story on this. My friend (we'll call her J) is dealing with a very well off, very cute, very married (but currently separated) man. Given the circumstances of their (ahem) arrangement there are some inherent trust issues so she wanted to do a drive his job and see if he was being a good little boy.

So you know me...anything for the betterment of mankind--that's what we did. LMAO. Now mind you I haven't done one of my little stealth missions in minute. We get up there and park like across from the building--you can kinda see in and everything looks all good. After about a half hour or so he leaves and his business associate who was also there leaves. Now I had parallel parked the car across the street next to a fence to get a good vantage point and so we wouldn't been seen--you would've had to be looking to find us, plus I was parked behind an SUV.

Wouldn't you know ol' boy's business associate owned the SUV!!

He starts walking over towards the car. J is hiding in the passenger seat trying to scootch down with her hat on her face because this guy has met her before. Me on the other hand, I don't move cause I'm thinking maybe he won't notice me--which of course he sees me but I start giving the look like what--I'm waiting on someone so I think he saw me but he didn't acknowledge me so I just chilled until he left. Maaaaaaan that was some funny shyt right there. I think we laughed all the way back to the house. I was like what if we had got busted...

I'm a grown ass woman dog! Ionevenno (read: I don't even know...lol). I mean at that point in the game what do you even say or do if you get busted. Damn, you couldn't even lie about it...lol

Well, see, what had happened was...

I am so glad I can laugh at myself.

The good news is no news...he really was being good--at least momentarily. The world is safe for now from evil doers and cheating boyfriends.

Episode 11- Your Cheating Ways

I have been totally engrossed in this new social networking site I joined. They have a lot of "interesting" discussions (I guess that's the right word). On the site I joined a few groups, including a women's discussion group. I realize that that title is very redundant...lol

Anyway, a topic that I have seen come up more than once in the last few days is cheating. How do you know when you mate is cheating on you?

Good question. I have complied a few tell tale signs from various sources (complete with snarky commentary for your reading pleasure). My Christmas gift to you...I've taken the liberty of breaking it up into categories

THE PHONE
if he/she:

• turns the phone off when you're around or puts it on silent
• dismisses calls or will not answer the phone around you
• frequently walks to another room to take calls and whispers or talks low
• takes a call in front of you but will only answer in short 1 word answers like "uh-huh," "yes" and "no"
• will not check messages while you are around
• changes the passwords on the voice mail
• doesn't answer the phone when YOU call, but let you call from another number and they quick as HELL to pick up
• clears out all incoming and outgoing text messages frequently

Your mate is possibly a cheater--or a drug dealer or a member of the mafia. In any case I would watch my back and my wallet

THE COMPUTER
if he/she:

• spends a LOT of time on IM or chatting (I mean excessive amounts of time)
• shuts everything off abrubtly when you walk in the room
• is up at 2, 3, 4 am chatting (if you live together, this is IMPORTANT)
• has his social networking page set to private (and you are not on friends list)
• has more than 2 email addresses (I can't say shyt I have like 6, but to be fair some of them are for school and some I NEVER use for anything other than to register accounts so I don't get spam)
• has open active accounts at dating sites. (if it's a same sex dating site and your mate is "NOT gay"....THAT's some SERIOUS Jerry Springer ish! I'll be looking for you on a future episode )

if it's a guy and one of his alias screennames is "butchboy_frombhd" somebody gots to get CUT up in here!

CLOTHING/PERSONAL APPEARANCE/HYGIENE
if he/she

• shows up wearing different clothes from when they walked out the door (and you know they didn't just go play ball or something like that...)
• suddenly starts wearing new pieces of jewelry and you have no IDEA where it came from OR the wedding rings start coming up missing off the finger (and I'm telling you--let that be ME and THAT finger will get promptly cut off and shipped back to you in a box with the ring superglued to it and a note that reads--"let's see you take it off NOW!")
• switches from briefs to boxers or granny panties to thongs and NOT for you...only when they walk out the house and with no explanation
• carries and extra set of clothes in the car--for no reason
• starts dressing up to go to Wal-Mart (I had to tell somebody about THAT one on the blogs today! Have mercy!)
• Smell like new cologne/perfume/aftershave or shyt you KNOW you don't wear (I'll be Toucan Sam up in this piece.)

and the dead give aways

• If they come home and make an immediate beeline for the shower OR
• they come in smelling like they just HAD a shower when they shouldn't.

I'm not gonna resort to smellin yo' shyt, but I'll be damned shawty! You'll be Zest fully clean sleepin yo' ass out on the front lawn

ATTITUDE
if he/she

• starts accusing YOU of cheating. RED ALERT RED ALERT. This is a RED ALERT. If you don't go anywhere and your mate is acting suspicious and then they come to YOU accusing you of cheating...that's a guilty conscious talking!
• doesn't want to go out with you anymore but quick to be up and out the house when their homeboy/homegirl calls
• has an attitude with you and/or starts fights so they can "Optimus Prime" (i.e. transform and roll out)

TIMING/SCHEDULE
if he/she

• Suddenly has plans or has something come up last minute (and this happens a little too frequently to be coincidence)
• Tells you oh I was with my homeboy I'll be there in 5 mins and shows up an HOUR later
• Whenever you want to go to a certain place together there's always some excuse for why not(prolly cause the bitch he's fucking around with works there!)
• Disappears for large chunks of time that can't be explained...

I'll explain-- see what had happened was I had the locks changed.

CAR
if...

• the car smells of perfume/cologne that belongs to neither of you
• you find random items that do not belong to you and are clearly out of place (i.e. condoms, clothing articles, red hair weave. etc)
• the passenger seat is pushed into a different position and you "know" you were the last one in the car

humming...I bust the windows out your car/ you know I did it cause I left my mark/ wrote my initials with a crowbar... Oh I'm sorry where were we...

SEX
if he/she

• comes up with some new ish that is clearly outside of their realm of expertise OR
• completely stops touching you OR
• starts carrying or coming up with condoms when you never used them before...

run do not walk to the nearest STD clinic. Do NOT pass GO. Do not collect $200.

MONEY
if he/she

• comes up with money and you don't know the source
• is suddenly broke--all the time
• won't let you see the phone or credit card bills

They're probably hooking... see my advice under SEX

OBVIOUS MAN

Then of course if you bust the mutherfucker mid-stroke wearing your underwear, a zip up mask and a pair of high heels...um...yeah you can be pretty sure that their cheating.