i wrote this about 6 months ago... never posted it, but I figure today it is appropriate.
I don't know why I about to do what I am about to do...but here goes...
I don't know why I about to do what I am about to do...but here goes...
I have been doing a lot of thinking about my family over the past week. Was speaking to family member and the subject of Drey's dad came up...they know the story. I don't even mention his name in a sentence anymore.
(I have this seriously uncanny ability to talk up and/or predict things at random. I am soooo not trying to talk up that man-- I won't even mention his name)
Anyway so I was thinking about my own dad. My biological father. I can't really call him a "father" seeing as how I've never met him. I never realized how much it really got to me. I mean I have a father figure in my life, but I just had this weird epiphany moment and so I wanted to write this letter mostly to my dad, but also to Drey's dad and all absentee fathers:
Dear (Absent) Father:
I used to be angry.
I used to be upset.
I used to wonder why we'd never met. Why I wasn't good enough for you to stick around. Why you missed all my firsts--steps, dates etc. Why you missed my graduations (I was the first one to finish college, ya know). Why it is growing up that I had to constantly explain to everyone that asked that I didn't have a dad. He wasn't dead--he just wasn't there. Do you have any idea what it's like to be 9 years old telling people my dad left before I was born? I am the definition of the word bastard.
Do you have any idea how your absence speaks to me? Any girl without a father or a man in her life will tell you, it leaves you feeling unworthy. And empty. And it affects you.
You say to yourself why didn't he love me? You say it a lot because you can't understand why you were rejected.
They say girls form relationships with men based on their fathers. I guess that's why my daughter's father is also absent. I choose someone just like you.
I used to get upset over your absence, but over the years I've just learned to deal. It's not my fault because I didn't ask and I didn't choose. And I understand that you were young and probably scared to death. I'm not absolving you I'm simply saying I understand. We all make bad choices at some point, and maybe if they're not too bad some can be corrected.
Maybe.
And maybe at this point it's too late for me. I don't need a father in my life because I am too old to be daddy's little girl.
That may sound angry, but how can I be angry at a stranger?
Really. I could pass you on the street today and be none the wiser.
I will say this...in case you were wondering-- I'm almost happy. My life has been far from perfect, but I'm still here.
One day I'd like to meet you, over lunch in some nice restaurant. You can tell me about the family I don't know--like how uncle so and so got drunk at the last family reunion. Tell me about my brothers and sisters (if I have any). Update me what's been going on with you. Look at pictures of your grandbaby and tell me how much she looks like me. Laugh with me over a few drinks--like we're friends or something. And then afterwards go our separate ways. Turn and walk in the opposite direction like you did 32 years ago--because then I'll know everything I wanted to know.
Dear (Absent) Father:
I used to be angry.
I used to be upset.
I used to wonder why we'd never met. Why I wasn't good enough for you to stick around. Why you missed all my firsts--steps, dates etc. Why you missed my graduations (I was the first one to finish college, ya know). Why it is growing up that I had to constantly explain to everyone that asked that I didn't have a dad. He wasn't dead--he just wasn't there. Do you have any idea what it's like to be 9 years old telling people my dad left before I was born? I am the definition of the word bastard.
Do you have any idea how your absence speaks to me? Any girl without a father or a man in her life will tell you, it leaves you feeling unworthy. And empty. And it affects you.
You say to yourself why didn't he love me? You say it a lot because you can't understand why you were rejected.
They say girls form relationships with men based on their fathers. I guess that's why my daughter's father is also absent. I choose someone just like you.
I used to get upset over your absence, but over the years I've just learned to deal. It's not my fault because I didn't ask and I didn't choose. And I understand that you were young and probably scared to death. I'm not absolving you I'm simply saying I understand. We all make bad choices at some point, and maybe if they're not too bad some can be corrected.
Maybe.
And maybe at this point it's too late for me. I don't need a father in my life because I am too old to be daddy's little girl.
That may sound angry, but how can I be angry at a stranger?
Really. I could pass you on the street today and be none the wiser.
I will say this...in case you were wondering-- I'm almost happy. My life has been far from perfect, but I'm still here.
One day I'd like to meet you, over lunch in some nice restaurant. You can tell me about the family I don't know--like how uncle so and so got drunk at the last family reunion. Tell me about my brothers and sisters (if I have any). Update me what's been going on with you. Look at pictures of your grandbaby and tell me how much she looks like me. Laugh with me over a few drinks--like we're friends or something. And then afterwards go our separate ways. Turn and walk in the opposite direction like you did 32 years ago--because then I'll know everything I wanted to know.
Like I said, I used to be angry. Until I realized that I would not be who I am had you been here.
I am a mother. I am a poet. I am a student. A friend. I am a daughter. I am your daughter. I am a stranger. I am...
ok without you.
Signed,
A Daughter Who Is No Longer Lost.
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