Normally I am a person who does not bit my tongue, but the people choosing to pluck my nerves like an out of tune banjo are people that-- for the time being-- I need to make nice with (for a host of reasons)...however, if I were allowed such luxuries I would say the following (add major eye rolling, neck popping, finger waving and teeth gnashing to get the full effect):
- You get on my fucking nerves
- I can sum up my critique in one sentence: Your book sucks.
- I'm going to need you to get a clue.
- If I don't answer my damn phone it's because I really don't want to talk to you and calling me three times back to back isn't going to make me change my mind
- You sir, are an idiot
- A salute to Captain Obvious!
- No, I can't help you. No really...I'm not a therapist
- I don't care about your day, your progress, your struggle or any of that other bullshit you're trying to lay on me
- Fuck you! Pay me!
- Please don't "help" me, "Ike" don't need your help!
- I am not--- your mother, girlfriend, confidant, therapist, personal secretary/assistant, note taker, web researcher, errand girl or your friend.
- You couldn't pay me enough...
- I plan to speak very slowly so that you understand the words that are about to come out of my mouth...
- I know what the hell I said, because I was THERE when I said it
- I hate repeating myself
- I hate repeating myself
- I HATE repeating myself
- You do things in the stupidest way possible and it's not my job to explain to you why the way you're doing it is stupid.
- For someone who claims to be all that...um...you're still extremely suspect
- My 5 year old has more skills than you
- Until there is a deal on the table-- stop talking!
- You are delusional. Need me to spell THAT for you?
- I'm beginning to suspect you like the taste of your Nikes as many times as you stick your foot in your mouth
- Seriously? That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard, but I'ma let you run with that
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