Episode 24- No Subject is Taboo... Except This One

There are only two subjects which hit a truly sore spot with me. One of the biggest ones is my writing.

I know that might sound a tad egotistical and silly. However, if you have never been told not to do what you love. If no one else ever told you that your dreams are stupid and foolish and that you will never make any money. Unless people who's opinions you do not value try to tell you what they think you SHOULD be doing. And until someone with the brain of a flea and the talent of a smashed watermelon tries to critique you...

You will not understand why this is and always will be a touchy subject for me.

Contrary to what some people think writing is not an easy thing to do. You can't just pick up a pen, scribble something down and think you've written a masterpiece. It doesn't work like that--at least not for me. I refuse unless my heart is in it because anything less than that and I would just be spoon feeding you regurgitated bullshit.

I don't think that's too hard to understand. Even if I seem like I am being hard on myself I want to put out my best work. I've been doing this too long and I will not bend on that.

So to the person who today suggested that I do what I said I would not do. That I write what I said I would not write. That I compromise the one thing I have (outside of Drey of course), that's worth something to me...STFU or I will make it a point to write about you.

--end transmission

Episode 23-Fall Out Boy

I did something kinda unexpected this weekend. I finally decided on and got what will most likely be my last tat. (Check out my profile pic for a closer look). My friend's husband hooked me up, and can I say I absolutely love it. :)

Had just a minor scare though prior to getting inked...

Another dude had come in earlier to get a touch up and add on to a tat he already had. Well we'd all eaten breakfast, spent most of the afternoon drinking a little and laughing--all in all there were like 4-5 of us chillin. In any case dude's tat took a loooooooooong time to do. All I know is when he was done, he stood up went to look in the mirror, came back to sit down and BOOM!

Passed out.

Yep, he slam passed out. At first I thought he just fell out of the chair or something but when he didn't move and didn't respond...man I was about to freak out. Suddenly dude opened his eyes up and announced "I pissed myself"

WTF?

Under normal circumstances that might have elicited a laugh from me. However, he was out for about 60 seconds, so that was scary enough, but damn, for real now I'm like whoa! I'm not calling dude out, but I have never seen that happen before.

Sheesh!

And that was most of my weekend, other than sleeping uncomfortably (I can't quite lay on my back just yet) and being bored outta my mind watching the Academy Awards--I love Sophia Loren but she looks like a botched experiment from Dr. Frankenstein

THEN NOW

And how freaking awkward was that Beyonce/Hugh Jackman singing atrocity?

Unbeweaveable!!!

I HAD to POST this....

A 20 year old woman was saved when her ex-boyfriend shot her in the back of the head and the bullet was stopped... wait for it, wait for it... by her HAIR WEAVE.

Here's the link: http://abcnews.go.com/video/playerIndex?id=6921539

Stick a fork in me. I'm done.

Episode 22- Adventures in Dating (Retroactive)

On one of my favorite social networking sites, there was a good discussion post today (which actually brewed over into a virtual catfight which is ongoing even as I am posting this up...that's a whole other blog post though...tune in for the next episode and maybe I'll have a conclusion)

Anywho, the original question posted to a women's group was something to the effect of what's the worst lie a man has ever told you? did you forgive him, and if so why?

I have some stories I could tell. Hence why I named my blog Jerry Springer Moments--because incredible, overdramatic, almost unbelievable soap opera-esqe stories are always happening to me. And were I not there to experience them I almost wouldn't believe them. Soooo I'm going to reprint the story I posted in response to the question. I swear all of this is true, I only changed the names:

I dated this man for a year while I was in college. It was long distance because I went to school out of state, but he was making these 6 hours trip to come see me nearly every weekend or I would come either home to DC or we'd meet up in NYC where his family lived. Like I said this went on for about a year. Things were fantastic...I had met all of his family, stayed at his mother's house one weekend, all that.

Ok, he joined the military and about a year into our relationship he told me he had a choice of getting stationed either at a base about a half hour from where I went to school, or to a base in Georgia. Well he decided on Georgia.

One weekend right about the time he was supposed to be leaving, we were both home and we had this huge blow out fight, and he told me he was leaving early the next day to start moving stuff down to GA. So like 2-3 in the afternoon that next day, I go pick up my best friend from her apartment building and I go to get in the elevator and as the doors opens this fool gets off carrying boxes and behind him is this random chick also carrying boxes. He says "hi" to me and keeps walking!!!!! My other friend had to snatch me back in the elevator before I could make a scene. I tell my best friend and we're ready to go looking for him, when...he gets off the elevator on the floor we're on. Walks over to my best friend, tries to hug her and then me. Random chick just kept walking past.

Well of course when I finally got a chance to call this fool out, the lie he gave me was that he didn't know the girl like that and his uncle paid him to help this girl move her stuff out of her apartment so he did it so he'd have some extra funds to travel on...

That might have been reasonbly plausible...IF...it wasn't for the fact that the random chick just by sheer coincidence happened to live across the hall from my best friend. We ran into her again a few days later and asked her. Turns out, SHE WAS HIS FIANCEE. They'd been together for TWO YEARS (which techinically made me the other woman--but I was the public front, his family had never met her). She was packing up to move to Georgia with him!! So I told her EVERYTHING. I think that despite that she still moved down there---at least for a little while. Me on the other hand, I rolled out baseball bat in hand ready to confront him but he pulled a Ron Browz and jumped out the window.

Funny thing is...like 2 or 3 years later he somehow got my email address and wrote me an apology

Again true story! I snuck into his apartment building behind a pizza delivery guy (because he lived in a security building) and rolled up in my kick ass gear with a baseball bat in hand. I left it at the front door of the apartment when I saw his grandmother and two of his uncles standing there. Ol boy was drinking a beer. When he saw me come in you'd have thought he saw Lucifer in the flesh. He went the back way out of the kitchen and jumped off the second story balcony. LMAO.

A year went by before I saw him again in a mall parking lot and I refused to speak to him...

Then like another year or two after that, out of nowhere he sent me an email basically apologizing for the whole thing. I was shocked needless to say. Also needless to say, we obviously never got back together, but we manage to actually keep in touch every now and then. He never did marry the other chick, but he stayed in the military for awhile, got shipped overseas, ended up having a son and last I heard was a pretty successful DJ somewhere in this area.

I look back on that whole thing as both a comedy and a life lesson. Glad I can laugh about it now. Like I said before if it hadn't happened to me I almost wouldn't believe it. But that's what defines a good Jerry Springer Moment I guess...

And my final thought: If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

-D

Over 18, Sleeping with poets, and J Holiday in a towel

Some dear poet friends of mine, Max Parthas and his wife Tribal Raine came through Virginia yesterday to do a show. Since I hardly get to see them I decided I would make the two hour drive to Richmond to catch up with them.


Bad traffic and almost 3 hours later, I get to the show just in time for the finale. I missed a good chunk of the performances (but lucky for me it was broadcast to web so I will make up for the parts I missed as soon as it's all on youtube).

Since I wasn't in a hurry to drive back, I followed some of the others over to our DJ's house--DJ Tree to be exact (see below). He had a gig over at a local club so we all dropped our stuff off at his house and after a few shots of E&J and Smirnoff (I stuck with the latter--since anyone who knows me knows that brown liquor and I are not friends) we head out to the spot.

First of all since this was a 18 and up spot I believe, I can safely say I had about 10-15 years age up on average on these folks up in the club. So while Max politic'ed with some folks, Tribal and I played the back and clowned--which wasn't all the hard since 90% of the people who I saw were serious offenders, errr I mean contenders for You Know You Dead Azz Wrong. And if you doubt me here is Exhibit A:

The random chick who decided she would channel Nadia Cominiche and stretch her leg over the top of the DJ booth--btw that would be Tree in the background. I couldn't get my camera out in time to snap a pic of the girl who probably simultaneously caught an STD and got pregnant on the dance floor as many men as she had trying to pile drive, err I mean "dance" with her...note to self: cancel salsa lessons.

So after a rather entertaining night, Max, Tribal and I went back to the house where we ended up watching Norbit and crashing out--when I said sleeping with poets I meant that literally...lol. Although I will say we had a rather interesting wake up experience when Tribal tried to switch out the movie from the dvd/disc changer and the next one happened to be a porno.

At this point everyone in the house was up--a little groggy perhaps, and one of the other members of the household came around the corner. Now I had met dude the night before and I lie to you not, if this negro did not look like a J. Holiday with blue eyes.

Tribal made some crack about him coming around the corner the day before in nothing but a towel and that was all she wrote--the jokes and the commentary came out. Lawd, don't even get me started...lol.

Anyway, after that everybody dipped out and headed back up 95, but not before I stopped and took a few pics downtown.

Maaaaaan. That trip convinced me of two things 1) I miss the camaraderie of poets...I need to get back on my game and 2) that apparently it's cool to walk into a club on a 40 degree day with your boobs hanging out and smacking you in the knee caps, wearing half a skirt on your ass or looking about 18 months pregnant, with a gang of random tats for each of your baby daddies while letting horny, nasty little boys dressed like they put clothes on in the dark pseudo fvck you.

I prefer to only believe the former.

I HATE Valentine's Day...

Hate it with a passion. That is all.


as an addendum: I spent a chunk of my day watching the Cheaters marathon on G4. Bwahahahahahaha

Episode 19- My Baby Mama is a Stripper

Got a phone call today while I was at work and have been laughing my butt off about it ever since.

I mentioned awhile back I have this friend I'll call E who's husband cheated on her.


Now E's husband had a baby with said Random Chick, who turned out to be a complete and total psychopath. In all the tit for tat back and forth to court, jail etc etc., E managed to get Random Chick fired from her job awhile back (which would've probably happened regardless because Random Chick is an admitted drug user).

So... economy being what it is, Random Chick has apparently become a stripper at a local club. Now I'm not knocking anyone's hustle, BUT

This is funny for a few reasons...

a) Random Chick is not what I would call stripper material in the buttockal (yeah I made that shyt up...lol) area (unless you like members of the nosital crew).

b) the reason E knows that Random Chick is now dancing for change (and I don't mean for Obama) is because another stripper who knows baby daddy snitched on her.

I though strippers had some sorta code of ethics regarding stuff like that. Can they stripper sanction her, or like take away her pole priveleges for that? I mean if you can't trust a stripper with your secrets, who can you trust?

ROTFL. But damn if this wasn't made for tv...

And the FUNNIEST part is, now my homegirl wants me to go with her to the strip club (the bi girl taking the straight girl to the girl on girl strip club to see the baby mama shake her non-existant ass on a pole...ooooh THIS should be GOOD and COMICAL)!!

In Denial Perhaps? Future Springer Guests.

see more pwn and owned pictures

I just wanted to laugh today. I ran across this in failblog.org.

Seriously?

See y'all on Springer in a few weeks. ROTFL