(Finally?) Happy New Year

New Years always reminds me of that scene in Forrest Gump:





I feel a lot like that.

I'm spending my New Year's alone.

Sorta by choice. I knew ahead of time that S and I would not be together on New Year's so in that respect I was content with the situation seeing as how there's really nothing either of us can do about it. I could've gone out to party, but honestly I have no desire to be around anyone and celebrating when truly I don't have much to celebrate. I have my health and my family's health and a great kid and such but truth be told I really feel sorta...

empty

Does that sound weird? I mean I'm drained emotionally from all the b.s. I've had to deal with this year ("killa kung fu wolf bitch" as my friend Kyle called her, immediately comes to mind-but that is another story). I feel like I have accomplished nothing--or at least not much. I want things to be better in so many places in my life. I know that in order for that to happen I need to clear some things with certain people and issues in my life.

Since I am going to be celebrating alone tonight, I thought I would bring it in with a sense of peace because I want that to carry over into the new year--a hot bath, a pedicure, a glass of champagne, my pen and a playlist to meditate with.

I don't have any resolutions this year except the one I discussed with S yesterday--that I will save too for another blog because believe me it is well worthy of it's own Jerry Springer moment. lol. It is what it is, right S? lol

If anything, I just want my new year to be...happy, finally.

Episode 13- Mixed Nuts

There's an article posted today called:

How Visiting Family Warps Your Brain

http://dsc.discovery.com/news/2008/12/29/family-brain.html

LMAO!!! Woo boy, I know they must've been talking about me and the nuts I call relatives. Check out this IM I got from my BFF about the article:

roni: hey u see on yahoo how visiting your family warps your brain?

dd6998: YES!!! ROTFL

roni: i know!!

roni: lmao

dd6998: why does that not surprise me?

roni: look at ur family

roni: rotlf

dd6998: EXACTLY!!! ROTFL

That's a shame my best friend of 30 years knows how jacked up we are. LMAO. Why lie. I'm cool with it. I accept that I will never change them. But that's ok. Actually they only drove me slightly nuts at Christmas this year. I told you the pointy end of the stick was off me this time. Plus I spent some time with my cousins in the evening after baby girl went to sleep which kept me out of the house and away from the dreaded conversation. Nothing like kicking back with some beer and Guitar Hero to take your mind off things. Yeah I said it...lmao.

As you can see, this nut didn't fall too far from the family tree either.

Episode 12- As Seen on TV

4 kids out of wedlock
3 days of my step dad leaving
2 hours of wrapping gifts
1 nagging mother

and a partridge in a pear tree.

Welcome to Christmas with my family.

I should be happy. I'm with my daughter. I love being here with her for Christmas. I'm thankful. I'm blessed. That's really all I wanted. Nothing else.

Still sad though. Wish S was here too. Haven't had the talk with the family about THAT yet. Don't think S is ready to be around them. Don't think I am ready for that yet.

If I wasn't for lil D I would almost rather be home right now.

Not that I don't love my family. I do. But...

I don't know I get a little weird on these visits. I don't know how to explain it. I'm listening to my mom and my great aunt talk about the family (they do this every visit) and the more I listen I'm realizing we are severely screwed up.

Like...ok I'm listening to my mother speaking to my aunt talking about how her ex husband is a bastard and isn't doing shit for anyone--not even their grandson for Christmas. And then I'm listening to my mother talking about how my step dad left on Saturday to go visit a friend of his...he just came back today (it's a weird complicated situation with them and I don't have enough energy to explain it). And then I know it's gonna be crazy tomorrow because we have 4 new babies in the family this year--one of my cousins had TWO with TWO different women. Which is actually a good thing cause then that takes some of the pressure of me to get the pointy end of the life lecture this year. And on and on and on.

See you have to understand, my family is VERY blunt and honest about how they feel. Which is good cause you know they won't lie to you, but bad in that you're going to hear it whether you want to or not--that's ASKING for drama. Which is why am up at 2 am stressing out. I mean it could be worse. In the back of my head I know this. My family is no better or worse than most, but, i don't know... maybe you have to be here to understand.

See, when it comes down to it, I come from a line of country folk with Jerry Springer issues. And I can deny it all I want but I fit in. And maybe that's what fucks with me... I know that I'll never be better than that. So when the food starts flying tomorrow maybe I shouldn't feel so bad. At least I know I'm not the only one.

Episode 11- Your Cheating Ways

I have been totally engrossed in this new social networking site I joined. They have a lot of "interesting" discussions (I guess that's the right word). On the site I joined a few groups, including a women's discussion group. I realize that that title is very redundant...lol

Anyway, a topic that I have seen come up more than once in the last few days is cheating. How do you know when you mate is cheating on you?

Good question. I have complied a few tell tale signs from various sources (complete with snarky commentary for your reading pleasure). My Christmas gift to you...I've taken the liberty of breaking it up into categories

THE PHONE
if he/she:

• turns the phone off when you're around or puts it on silent
• dismisses calls or will not answer the phone around you
• frequently walks to another room to take calls and whispers or talks low
• takes a call in front of you but will only answer in short 1 word answers like "uh-huh," "yes" and "no"
• will not check messages while you are around
• changes the passwords on the voice mail
• doesn't answer the phone when YOU call, but let you call from another number and they quick as HELL to pick up
• clears out all incoming and outgoing text messages frequently

Your mate is possibly a cheater--or a drug dealer or a member of the mafia. In any case I would watch my back and my wallet

THE COMPUTER
if he/she:

• spends a LOT of time on IM or chatting (I mean excessive amounts of time)
• shuts everything off abrubtly when you walk in the room
• is up at 2, 3, 4 am chatting (if you live together, this is IMPORTANT)
• has his social networking page set to private (and you are not on friends list)
• has more than 2 email addresses (I can't say shyt I have like 6, but to be fair some of them are for school and some I NEVER use for anything other than to register accounts so I don't get spam)
• has open active accounts at dating sites. (if it's a same sex dating site and your mate is "NOT gay"....THAT's some SERIOUS Jerry Springer ish! I'll be looking for you on a future episode )

if it's a guy and one of his alias screennames is "butchboy_frombhd" somebody gots to get CUT up in here!

CLOTHING/PERSONAL APPEARANCE/HYGIENE
if he/she

• shows up wearing different clothes from when they walked out the door (and you know they didn't just go play ball or something like that...)
• suddenly starts wearing new pieces of jewelry and you have no IDEA where it came from OR the wedding rings start coming up missing off the finger (and I'm telling you--let that be ME and THAT finger will get promptly cut off and shipped back to you in a box with the ring superglued to it and a note that reads--"let's see you take it off NOW!")
• switches from briefs to boxers or granny panties to thongs and NOT for you...only when they walk out the house and with no explanation
• carries and extra set of clothes in the car--for no reason
• starts dressing up to go to Wal-Mart (I had to tell somebody about THAT one on the blogs today! Have mercy!)
• Smell like new cologne/perfume/aftershave or shyt you KNOW you don't wear (I'll be Toucan Sam up in this piece.)

and the dead give aways

• If they come home and make an immediate beeline for the shower OR
• they come in smelling like they just HAD a shower when they shouldn't.

I'm not gonna resort to smellin yo' shyt, but I'll be damned shawty! You'll be Zest fully clean sleepin yo' ass out on the front lawn

ATTITUDE
if he/she

• starts accusing YOU of cheating. RED ALERT RED ALERT. This is a RED ALERT. If you don't go anywhere and your mate is acting suspicious and then they come to YOU accusing you of cheating...that's a guilty conscious talking!
• doesn't want to go out with you anymore but quick to be up and out the house when their homeboy/homegirl calls
• has an attitude with you and/or starts fights so they can "Optimus Prime" (i.e. transform and roll out)

TIMING/SCHEDULE
if he/she

• Suddenly has plans or has something come up last minute (and this happens a little too frequently to be coincidence)
• Tells you oh I was with my homeboy I'll be there in 5 mins and shows up an HOUR later
• Whenever you want to go to a certain place together there's always some excuse for why not(prolly cause the bitch he's fucking around with works there!)
• Disappears for large chunks of time that can't be explained...

I'll explain-- see what had happened was I had the locks changed.

CAR
if...

• the car smells of perfume/cologne that belongs to neither of you
• you find random items that do not belong to you and are clearly out of place (i.e. condoms, clothing articles, red hair weave. etc)
• the passenger seat is pushed into a different position and you "know" you were the last one in the car

humming...I bust the windows out your car/ you know I did it cause I left my mark/ wrote my initials with a crowbar... Oh I'm sorry where were we...

SEX
if he/she

• comes up with some new ish that is clearly outside of their realm of expertise OR
• completely stops touching you OR
• starts carrying or coming up with condoms when you never used them before...

run do not walk to the nearest STD clinic. Do NOT pass GO. Do not collect $200.

MONEY
if he/she

• comes up with money and you don't know the source
• is suddenly broke--all the time
• won't let you see the phone or credit card bills

They're probably hooking... see my advice under SEX

OBVIOUS MAN

Then of course if you bust the mutherfucker mid-stroke wearing your underwear, a zip up mask and a pair of high heels...um...yeah you can be pretty sure that their cheating.

Throw your shoes at GW day

I promise to get back to my regularly scheduled programming tomorrow. But this just cracked me up so much...




Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Episode 10-But I Love Him...

I had a revelation of sorts today...

I joined (yet another) social networking site today. One of the more interesting facets of the site is the blogs...wooo boy! Talk about drama!

Here's the thing, as I'm reading through some of the relationship blogs the one phrase that I kept coming across over and over again was...

"But I love him" (or some variation thereof).

I HATE this phrase. The reason why I hate it, is because it is usually preceded by some tragically repetitious and familiar tale of he treats me like shit, he doesn't respect me, he's cheating on me, he's cheating WITH me blah blah blah...you get the idea.

So, I ask...if you know and recognize that this is not a situation that you are comfortable with...why stay?

Because I love him.

WTF! That just defies all logic.

Now before I continue, I too have been guilty of saying the dreaded phrase. But if age and experience have taught me anything, it's that I know my limitations. You can't possibly tell me that say, you date a married man 3 years--you still honestly believe that he's going to leave his wife for you? Get the fuck outta here.

But I love him.

Do you really? Now I'm not trying to get all high and mighty. I'm really not. So many women make this mistake of staying in unhealthy relationships. Lord knows I did! And if you do it once, that's ok. Lesson learned, move on. But if you keep doing it over and over and over, and you get on that whine about how you can't find a "good" man, you have to ask yourself...is it him or is it YOU. Why do we continue to settle for less? Is it a self esteem issue or are we really truly afraid of being alone. Hate to break it you ladies, but contrary to popular belief there is no man shortage, but there damn sure are plenty of sharks in the dating pool, so if you get bit you should know.--it hurts! I just don't understand.

For example, I was reading one of the bloggers on the new site today who was in a situation where she was (very) pregnant by a married man and wanted to know if she should tell the wife. Or, there was another one about a woman who had to ask if she should stop dealing with a man who by her own accounts was a shiftless, lazy, non-working, alcoholic, sonofabitch living in his grandmama's basement and getting money from the various women in his life including an ex wife. Or just last week I found out a former co-worker of mine had been in a manipulating mentally abusive relationship for years. And I'm willing to bet that if you ask any one of them why they put up with it when CLEARLY they weren't happy, they'd all give the EXACT same response...

Because I love him.

Jesus I've written poems about women like this... alloweth me to quote myself from a poem called "SOS"

...They say you should stand for something or fall for anything Well you done fell for the wrong one girlfriend/
But you ready to stand by your man and defend his dumb ass to the bitter end/
He got you so messed up you done cussed out your mama and your best friend/
and all they're trying to do is reason with you/ but when his dumb ass acts up they're the same ones you go running back to/
and they can't figure out why you stick by his ass/
even after he
beat yo' ass
treated you like trash/
cheated on you TWICE
gave you an STD
and paid for that OTHER chick's abortion with YOUR cash/...

Now I will freely admit, that I'm going through my own relationship issues right now, so one could probably argue I don't have room to talk...but seriously, if my biggest complaint to date is just that sometimes S is just a tad bit too sensitive, well then baby I'm doing damn good. I blame that on age and cultural differences. And the difference here is--yes I love S...

But S loves me back.

Food for thought.

Episode 9- It;s Deja Vu All Over Again

I've never been in a relationship with someone so aggravating in my entire life as my current (possibly soon to be ex...again!) SO.

Every time I think about S right now I'm itchin' to start fighting like two rednecks over their cousin. Uggh!

I can't take it. Damn sensitive ass!



I want to walk away so bad. Again. Actually let me get it straight...last time I wasn't the one that walked out. I just wasn't playing the I want to take you back game. And I'm not about to play that game now either...

I am just so sick of going back and forth over the same thing over and over. Sometimes S you just need to STFU. Every time I say something it's always taken so personal, like I just walk around deliberately trying to insult people. Now if you know anything about me, if I WANT to insult you there will be NO question about the deliberateness of my words. I'll admit I can be a real bitch if/when it's called for. But under normal circumstances I abhor conflict. So that being said...why must everything be an argument. Stop acting like a little biotch! It's not a good look.

I'm not saying you have to be hard, but damn! give that sensitive shit a rest sometimes sheesh! What's wrong with enjoying the relationship for what it is instead of always blowing stupid little petty stuff out of proportion. WTF...you seriously got offended because I told you (jokingly mind you) that you suck! %$#@&! Are you fucking kidding! It's like I almost think you are purposely doing this shit to sabotage the relationship. And the worst part is I don't even think you realize it. Then when I do leave you'll be the first one crying (literally) about how you knew I was gonna leave you...really? fucking manipulative ass bullshit. Where they do that at? Lord forgive me I just had a true ghetto moment. You can't just be easy, shiiiiiit you just don't know... all that petty high school teeth sucking silent treatment phone hanging up reverse psychology bullshit doesn't work on me sweetie.

Now normally I don't use this blog to completely vent...rather to tell outrageous stories, but damn if this ain't a talk show moment I don't know what is. So let me say this as plainly as I can: S you are plucking my last nerve like it's a guitar string. I'm telling you now because no matter how much I love you, if you don't start acting like you have some damn sense I'm going to walk. Period. I'm gonna need you to get it together.

Breathe.

Ok. I'm done venting. just gonna sit back and STFU.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled program

Flashback

Today's JSM presents a video flashback



Damn I miss the 90s

Episode 8- Disappearing Acts

The story for today goes like this...

I have this friend (no really, TRUST ME, this is DEFINITELY NOT about me!!!) I'll call her 'H.' I'm actually surprised it took me this long to post up this story...if I hadn't read the text messages I almost wouldn't believe this story if someone else told it to me.

Let me begin by saying, that in the few short years that I've known her, H has had more bad luck than anyone I have ever met. I don't know what she did in a past life, but damn...

I had a chance to visit her a few months ago. She lives in a different state from me so I don't get to see her much but we do talk regularly. H has 5 kids, including a fairly new baby...about 6 months old now...her oldest being a teenager. So when I went to visit is when the drama began to unfold.

She tells me while we're talking that she is dating someone (she's not married)...actually let me correct myself, she tells me that she is engaged and is planning to move to Texas the following month. Now supposedly the story is the guy is a long time friend of the family. He was injured in an accident and paralyzed, but he also is supposedly fairly well off financially.

Ok, so who am I to knock love if it works for you!

But I digress. So a few weeks go by and I'm home and H calls me. I'm thinking maybe she moved and was getting settled in, but nope! Long story short after putting in the notice on her house and trying to get ready to move, there was an issue with the fiancee wiring the money she needed to move. First something about getting someone to do it because his primary caregiver was ill and then access to the accounts were frozen blah blah blah. I mean I don't have reason not to believe her story but it just gets as outrageous as they come. But wait there's more...

So fast forward a few more weeks to about two weeks ago... I'm sitting at work and I get a text from H. Again I'm thinking maybe she moved and was getting settled in, but nope! When I read the text my jaw nearly hit the floor...

Apparently she got the money somehow to make the move (or maybe not but she had to do something seeing as how she gave up her lease). Anyway, H and the kids drove all the way to Texas. Sometime supposedly while they were driving to Texas, the fiancee had some medical issues, had to go to the hospital, for some inexplicable reason got transferred to a hospital in Louisiana (???), had some sort of nervous breakdown I guess, checked himself out of the hospital and just disappeared.

Let me let you think on that one for a second...

Meanwhile H is in Texas with the kids and nowhere to go.

Remember what I said about bad luck? H has no family other than the kids. Most of her immediate family passed away at various points over the last few years. I think she may have one parent still living, but last I remember they're estranged.

Like I said crazy huh?

I'd be inclined to disbelieve everything I just said if I didn't have the text messages she sent me. I couldn't make this story up even in my often wild imagination. Last she told me she and the kids were living out of her van. That was two weeks ago. I don't know if the fiancee ever turned up. I don't really know the end of the story...

Unfortunately at the moment it happened, I wasn't really in a position to do anything to help and I'm still not. Even if I could, what would they do? They can't stay where they are and they can't go back...and if you believe the whole story I'd almost be willing to bet that something else is bound to happen...it almost seems inevitable.

As unbelievable as it is, that's where it stands. I'll post more when I know more, maybe by then I'll be able to wrap my head around it... wow!

Who needs turkey...

...when you got chicken legs! Oh yeah I almost forgot...in a special edition to the thanksgiving festivities, to tell THIS doozie... Welcome to today's wtf moment.

So while I was on vacation, a friend and I went out driving to pick up some stuff for her birthday. We're driving on the west side (which is usually a pretty um..."entertaining" area anyway). We're stuck at a light waiting to get back on the highway pretty much engrossed in conversation when my friend's conversation stops mid sentence...as I wondering what's going on I look past her out of the driver's side window to see a man standing just on the other side of the street, talking to himself and making wild hand gestures (as if he was having the best conversation of his life) while simultaneously pulling down first one layer of pants, then another, until he is standing in just a pair of tighty whities.

Jaw hits floor

I could not even begin to tell you what prompted this midday peep show although if I had to take a guess I'd say--CRACK! but that'd be just a guess, who am I to speculate. All I know is before I could completely wrap my head around it and (thankfully) before the tighty whities could make a run for the border--the light changed.

Episode 7- Holiday Drama part 1

So Thanksgiving is over. And Black Friday is really kinda feeling like just that. And I am thankful that it is almost over.

I know I shouldn't complain. Since my family moved away I didn't even spend my holiday with them but rather I took a drive down to Georgia and spent it with my little sister and a few friends...which if you didn't know meant some great JS moments. Here are the highlights:

Moment #1- Went to see V's band play. Fight breaks out. Band members pull an Eddie Kane. Show over. Have a few drinks. Caravan to the Dec. Crazy, drunk band member hits on me--gets left at party.

Moment #2- Go see my sister. Meet her new "friend." House gets invaded unexpectedly and unannounced by friend's family. Awkward moments galore. Friend's mother accuses my sister of flirting with friend's un-cute sister(!) Friend later has minor nervous breakdown. Fun times had by all.

Moment #3- Go to a friend's house to spend the rest of the week. Call the SO to say hey--awkward silence, awkward silence, SO: nooooooooo I'm not upset, crickets chirping, crickets chirping, SO: stop asking me there's nothing wrong. 5 more minutes of silence...Me: ok, well I'm gonna go--SO: well why don't you want to talk to me, nevermind just go hang with your friends-- click.

Seriously?

oh and there was so much more...those were just the highlights. Gotta love the holidays...and just think only a few more weeks until Christmas and that's when he real episodes will start. Woo hoo.

Episode 6-Attack of the 50 Foot Amazon

I have to tell this story, not just because it's an "I told you so" moment, but because it over qualifies for an episode of Jerry.

I have a male friend who I will call "Mr. X"

Mr. X and I have been friend for about the last 3 or 4 years. I think he's a nice guy. No serious romantic interests or anything like that--don't get the wrong idea. Awhile back I introduced him to another friend of mine, they initially hit it off but then that quickly fell apart for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was this psycho Amazon chick he had been dealing with off and on.

This chick should serve as the example of everything women do to self-sabotage their relationships!

First off, I shoulder some of what happened on Mr. X, because there were red flags from this girl from the very beginning. She showed all the classic symptoms of being (to quote Martin Lawrence) crazy, deranged. Aside from having a generally unpleasant attitude, it was clear to anyone who was paying attention that she also had some serious insecurity and anger management issues. That, coupled with a basic lack of common sense, is like standing on the train tracks waiting to catch a train. But love tends to screw rational thinking.

Now he tried to break it off with her about a year ago. They were in a long distance relationship at the time.

Her first two major mistakes...despite the obvious problems in their relationship and the fact that (hello!) he tried to break up with her, she insisted (as in-- packed her stuff, cancelled her lease and made a screaming beeline for his house) on moving where he was. And number two, on the day of the breakup she announced she was pregnant. Well what a coinkydink!

So he tried to do the right thing...deal with the situation as it were. But then she made mistakes numbers 3, 4, 5 and 6. She expected she could change him, she expected him to want to stay with her because she was pregnant, she basically cut him off from all his friends and then she did the psycho girl thing and started checking his phone etc. etc... I'm actually surprised she didn't ask to smell his d!@&





Woooooo boy!

So long story short--months and months of drama and a baby later he finally came back to his senses and they split. Now, it could have been amicable, but seeing as how she is crazy, deranged...it couldn't be that easy huh! Which brings us to a few days ago when she moved out...

In her last ditch effort to score one for the crazy team, she tried to start a fight...a fist fight, on the day she moved the last of her things. Mr. X had enough foresight to call the cops and have her escorted out (cue applause) and she made mistake number 7 and screamed "I hate you and I hope you die!" Ladies, no matter how upset you are...it doesn't endear you to them to throw a fit like a 4 year old and put a death wish on them...a) it's truly childish and b) if something really WAS to happen, you'd be the first one looking stupid at the funeral falling out in the aisle crying 'bout how you love-ed you some him.

Things happen, sometimes relationships don't work. You get sad, upset and emotional. It hurts, but you deal with it and you move on. But I don't doubt for a second that even if I told her that, that her attitude would change. Until then I feel kinda bad for both of them...her because she will never HAVE the type of relationship she is looking for--if she even really knows what she's looking for. And him because until she figures herself out I can guarantee from here until eternity he's gonna have to deal with baby mama drama.

And now for my final thought: Those who fail history are doomed to repeat it and right now a lot of us are flunking out.

Episode 5- We put the "fun" in dysfunctional

In talking to a few of my friends yesterday, I had a profound and utterly enlightening revelation. Every friend I have is in a completely dysfunctional relationship. Currently in the lineup...

1 friend dating a semi-married psycho stalker
1 dating a whiny, insecure idiot with more baggage than a luggage store
1 married to a man and keeping a secret girlfriend on the side (my friend not her husband)
1 getting a divorce and dating a man with an abundance of --how shall I say-- "history"
1 married who cheated (but only after the husband cheated first and had a love child)
1 who faked the funk that her marriage was pristine only to find out she'd been separated for months before anyone found out
1 who had to file a protective order against her baby daddy

I have storylines that could keep Jerry Springer in business for the next 5 seasons. I can't make this stuff up.

And now my own relationship with an insanely jealous, completely insecure, hypersensitive drama queen doesn't seem so, well, dysfunctional. Man, I need some new friends...just kidding!

But seriously, there can't possibly be that many messed up people in the dating pool.

Are there?




Final Thought: if you're gonna take a swim in the dating pool, bring some shark repellant

Episode 4- Why Can't I Quit You?

Post election euphoria aside...

Back to our show. I have to ask, what is about some people that just renders them unable to understand simple words and phrases. Too much television? Lack of vitamin C or basic 3rd grade comprehension skills? Backwood inbreeding perhaps?




Could've swore I said not once but at least 3 times in the past week I was done. through. finish. finito. gone. elvis has left the building. I know I said it because I was there when I said it.

Now I might have considered discussing the possibility of trying to work it out. Until... you went from 0 to psycho in 3 seconds flat. We finally spoke today after almost a week of the silent treatment from me--mostly because I have had the week from hell and really wasn't trying to have an extended conversation with the devil. But today I said and I quote "we'll talk later on tonight." It's 7 syllables. I used short words. Yet, my phone rang no less than 5-6 times today.

And then came the crazy text messages...um...hate to tell you, but you've now officially entered the psycho stalker realm [cue music from the Twilight Zone]. What exactly about your retarded behavior says "here's a good reason to take me back"? Was it the part where you emailed me saying you weren't going to call me again (which I was reading when you called me for the second time)? Or perhaps it was the moment when you asked if I was seeing someone else (I'm glad you seem to think I am diva enough to begin dating again a week after we broke up--I am...lol...but that's besides the point).

Oh but wait here's the kicker... the last text entailed asking me to speak to your mother.

stunned. silence. while. i. ponder. precisely. how. i. should. respond.

Ok...where's Ashton. Swear I must be on Punk'd. No way you're serious? C'mon now. I'm gonna need you to put the crack pipe down.

Smacks self upside held. Pinches arm to ensure this is not a weird dream.

But then again, this is why I titled this blog "Jerry Springer Moments."

And on that note... here is my final thought: They say, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...I am neither a man, nor am I hungry so please stop trying to feed me your bs.

Episode 3-Confessions of a Election Day Voter

It's 8 am. I'm watching Jerry Springer (literally). But I'd like to interrupt the slap fest for a brief commercial announcement:




Voted this morning. Was up at the crack of butt (aka 4:45 am EST). Grabbed some 7-11 coffee (should've waited...just FYI Starbucks, Krispy Kreme and Ben and Jerry's are giving away goodies for wearing your "I voted" sticker). Got to my local polling place at 5:20 (polls opened at 6am) and lucky me I was only about number 15 in line. I have to say if everyday was like this morning, my faith in the system would be restored. Everyone was surprisingly jovial, joking, sharing. I even met a fellow Orangeman (go 'Cuse!). The weather cooperated (although I got there early enough to be inside). By the time the poll opened they were splitting us up by last name...I jumped from number 15 to number 3. Go me!

No 12 hour line, no drama, no quirks. I cast my ballot, got my sticker and when I looked at the time...It was 6:08 am. There's something to be said for getting up early. Outside the line was already beginning to wrap around the parking lot and cars were everywhere, but I didn't hear any grumbling or complaining. In fact people actually cheered when the first of us came from the exit. I'll save my cheering for tomorrow, when it's official!

In the meantime...if you haven't, then do it. You can't blame anyone but yourself on this one. Even if you've never been political in your life, make it your business to be political TODAY. No excuses! I can't tell you who to choose (I won't even tell you who I chose--although if you know me you already know the answer!--but that's why ballots are secret for a reason).

But just in case you missed it, here are some quick tips:

Double check your polling place. You don't want to stand in line for 3 hours only to find out you were athe wrong place. You can check online at your state election board website.

Take two forms of ID (just in case!). Make sure one of them is your driver's license or picture ID. I also took my Voter Registration Card (the poll worker actually told me that was easier for her to look up).

Don't wear anything political. They can and will turn you away from the polls.

Bring something to read, something to snack on and some patience.

It may be different in different states, but here they give you the option to use the machines or fill the scantron bubble ballot...if you don't feel comfortable with the machines ask for the the paper ballot.

Double check your vote. It is NOT official until you hit the vote button and you see the message that says thank you for your vote. If something looks wrong do not leave the booth. Ask the election official to come to you.

Don't wait until the last minute. Find out what time the polls close.

I'm not trying to be obvious man, but hey don't say you can't say I didn't tell you. But why are you reading this, you should be at the polls! Go vote already.

I'm a registered voter and I approve this message!

Must've Been a Past Jerry Springer Guest

For those people who know me, I keep a running tab of odd names (paticularly baby names). This is my winner of the week:

La-a

and it's pronounced La DASH ah

All I can do is shake my head in stunned silence. [Insert your own jokes here]

Episode 2-When Good Relationships Go Bad Part 2

Like the day after Thanksgiving with the family, I'm still dealing with leftover drama.

And apparently I'm not the only one. Our next guest is one of my closest friends whose psychotic girlfriend is giving him nothing but whine--and I don't mean Yellow Tail. But what does he expect exactly when he's dealing with someone who has the IQ of a brick and a head just as hard. But I digress...

We spent about an hour today discussing our less than better halves' seeming obsession with causing EUD (extra unnecessary drama).

Like here's a scenario...you call me all day long, just blowing up my phone like it's the psychic hotline (call me now!) and I don't answer (that should be a cue I don't want to talk). Finally after all that I finally say "call me"... the response-- why should I, you haven't been answering all day so why you want me to call now?

Seriously? Game on.

If you do call me back, I have someone I'd like you to speak to...Ms. Click

Ms. who?

Click!

Or this little doozie...my friend takes his psycho girl to his son's football game knowing that his ex wife will be there with her new boyfriend. Mind you, they had an amicable divorce so they're not trippin' off each other or their respective new relationships. So why is psycho girl complaining about the fact (I mean seriously going on and on and on) that (wait for it, wait for it...) they didn't hold hands or cuddle. Um...aside from the fact that you are at a football game (what self respecting man cuddles at a football game???), what does it prove? Everyone knows who you are and they don't care! Did I mention that we're not talking about a young girl who maybe doesn't know the rules of engagement...she's damn near 40. Damn near 40 and still hiding in the closet trying to potentially catch her man cheating. Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!

Gotta love drama queens cause they are truly modern day marvels. I often wonder how they function on a daily.

And now for my final thought: If you truly love someone set them free, then run screaming in the opposite direction.

Episode 1-When Good Relationships Go Bad

Last night I officially became single again.

Can't say that I am happy. Not as upset as I figure I should be...considering. Wasn't a particularly traumatic breakup, I've had far worse believe you me.

It was done over the phone. No hang ups--well at least not in the literal sense.

I even did the thing I NEVER do and gave the "out"...you know the "out"--let me make this easier on you because obviously you're having trouble with this so I'll lend you a plausible reason to justify you obviously twisted logic for rolling out just so I can spare myself the agony and extra unnecessary drama--

What I said: Well, if that's the way you feel, then I guess I can respect that

What I was actually thinking: Are you f'ing serious?

I handled it quite well if I do say so myself. No crying, no begging, no cussing, no threats to pull a Jazmine Sullivan and go busting out car windows. Nope not I. Suffice it to say, you caught me on a good day.

And for all my good will and humanity I get a bunch of calls, emails and texts today telling me what a mistake it was and you want to work it out. You think?

To quote the great philosopher and beloved hero Tweety Bird, "he don't know me verwy well do he?"

I'm gonna let you sit and pontificate on that for a sec, because your issues are just that, your issues. We'll see how I feel tomorrow or perhaps the day after when you get some act right in your system.

And now for my final thought: Relationships are like 401Ks. You have to contribute and I'll match. It takes a while to be fully vested and there are penalties from early withdrawl.

Why am I here? The Eternal Question

For whatever reason, (my latest theory being that I must've screwed someone over in a past life), things that seem improbable, next to impossible or just so outlandish they're fit for Jerry Springerdom seem to always happen to me.

I don't go looking for drama. I'm pretty upbeat, optimistic...occasionally (ahem!) sarcastic, but seriously, I sometimes believe that whatever force controls the universe is on serious joke time when it comes to me.

As a secondary incentive for more misadventures to occur, I have a penchant for talking things up. Don't let me even mention the possibility of some random event occurring because knowing how it works with me, it'll probably happen. If I knew how to channel it, I'm telling you I could make a mint betting the odds in Vegas.

I've reached the point now where all I can do is point and laugh and pray that I never find myself on Jerry Springer Uncut or on PayPerView.

In the meantime, I'm going to chronicle some of these "episodes" if for no other reason than I have nothing better to do than sit on my couch with a pint of beer, Ben & Jerry's, polishin' my one tooth and crying about the man I think might be my baby daddy while I type.

Truly it's not that serious, but you get the gist.