Episode 11- Your Cheating Ways

I have been totally engrossed in this new social networking site I joined. They have a lot of "interesting" discussions (I guess that's the right word). On the site I joined a few groups, including a women's discussion group. I realize that that title is very redundant...lol

Anyway, a topic that I have seen come up more than once in the last few days is cheating. How do you know when you mate is cheating on you?

Good question. I have complied a few tell tale signs from various sources (complete with snarky commentary for your reading pleasure). My Christmas gift to you...I've taken the liberty of breaking it up into categories

THE PHONE
if he/she:

• turns the phone off when you're around or puts it on silent
• dismisses calls or will not answer the phone around you
• frequently walks to another room to take calls and whispers or talks low
• takes a call in front of you but will only answer in short 1 word answers like "uh-huh," "yes" and "no"
• will not check messages while you are around
• changes the passwords on the voice mail
• doesn't answer the phone when YOU call, but let you call from another number and they quick as HELL to pick up
• clears out all incoming and outgoing text messages frequently

Your mate is possibly a cheater--or a drug dealer or a member of the mafia. In any case I would watch my back and my wallet

THE COMPUTER
if he/she:

• spends a LOT of time on IM or chatting (I mean excessive amounts of time)
• shuts everything off abrubtly when you walk in the room
• is up at 2, 3, 4 am chatting (if you live together, this is IMPORTANT)
• has his social networking page set to private (and you are not on friends list)
• has more than 2 email addresses (I can't say shyt I have like 6, but to be fair some of them are for school and some I NEVER use for anything other than to register accounts so I don't get spam)
• has open active accounts at dating sites. (if it's a same sex dating site and your mate is "NOT gay"....THAT's some SERIOUS Jerry Springer ish! I'll be looking for you on a future episode )

if it's a guy and one of his alias screennames is "butchboy_frombhd" somebody gots to get CUT up in here!

CLOTHING/PERSONAL APPEARANCE/HYGIENE
if he/she

• shows up wearing different clothes from when they walked out the door (and you know they didn't just go play ball or something like that...)
• suddenly starts wearing new pieces of jewelry and you have no IDEA where it came from OR the wedding rings start coming up missing off the finger (and I'm telling you--let that be ME and THAT finger will get promptly cut off and shipped back to you in a box with the ring superglued to it and a note that reads--"let's see you take it off NOW!")
• switches from briefs to boxers or granny panties to thongs and NOT for you...only when they walk out the house and with no explanation
• carries and extra set of clothes in the car--for no reason
• starts dressing up to go to Wal-Mart (I had to tell somebody about THAT one on the blogs today! Have mercy!)
• Smell like new cologne/perfume/aftershave or shyt you KNOW you don't wear (I'll be Toucan Sam up in this piece.)

and the dead give aways

• If they come home and make an immediate beeline for the shower OR
• they come in smelling like they just HAD a shower when they shouldn't.

I'm not gonna resort to smellin yo' shyt, but I'll be damned shawty! You'll be Zest fully clean sleepin yo' ass out on the front lawn

ATTITUDE
if he/she

• starts accusing YOU of cheating. RED ALERT RED ALERT. This is a RED ALERT. If you don't go anywhere and your mate is acting suspicious and then they come to YOU accusing you of cheating...that's a guilty conscious talking!
• doesn't want to go out with you anymore but quick to be up and out the house when their homeboy/homegirl calls
• has an attitude with you and/or starts fights so they can "Optimus Prime" (i.e. transform and roll out)

TIMING/SCHEDULE
if he/she

• Suddenly has plans or has something come up last minute (and this happens a little too frequently to be coincidence)
• Tells you oh I was with my homeboy I'll be there in 5 mins and shows up an HOUR later
• Whenever you want to go to a certain place together there's always some excuse for why not(prolly cause the bitch he's fucking around with works there!)
• Disappears for large chunks of time that can't be explained...

I'll explain-- see what had happened was I had the locks changed.

CAR
if...

• the car smells of perfume/cologne that belongs to neither of you
• you find random items that do not belong to you and are clearly out of place (i.e. condoms, clothing articles, red hair weave. etc)
• the passenger seat is pushed into a different position and you "know" you were the last one in the car

humming...I bust the windows out your car/ you know I did it cause I left my mark/ wrote my initials with a crowbar... Oh I'm sorry where were we...

SEX
if he/she

• comes up with some new ish that is clearly outside of their realm of expertise OR
• completely stops touching you OR
• starts carrying or coming up with condoms when you never used them before...

run do not walk to the nearest STD clinic. Do NOT pass GO. Do not collect $200.

MONEY
if he/she

• comes up with money and you don't know the source
• is suddenly broke--all the time
• won't let you see the phone or credit card bills

They're probably hooking... see my advice under SEX

OBVIOUS MAN

Then of course if you bust the mutherfucker mid-stroke wearing your underwear, a zip up mask and a pair of high heels...um...yeah you can be pretty sure that their cheating.