Episode 60- If Anyone Has Just Cause For Why These Two Should Not Be Wed

Ah so...it is too early in the day and in the week for such drama.

A long time ago I wrote about a bunch of drama with a friend of mine named Mr. X (I don't feel like digging up old posts or old dirt...lol). Long story short Mr. X has had, let's just say a long and sordid track record with women. But we're cool and we're friends.

Well Mr. X got married a few days ago. Which is a good thing, because maybe...just maybe he will be settled and get things together. Now the drama comes because I was not invited to the wedding. Understand that this is not coming from my end...I knew well in advance before he even said it to me to expect this. There are a few reasons why I could justify my non-invitation--mainly because we have a sort of backstory--even though this is long in the past and way, way before wifey was in the picture. I've actually met the new Mrs. X on a few occassions and she's really nice. The thing is Mr. X and I have a bunch of mutual friends... so far three of them have hit me up (publicly at that--either via FB or Twitter) asking why I wasn't at the wedding.

Ok, so how to politely explain without being all obviousman about it...

So far I've answered with the truth which is that I was at the Cherry Blossom Festival. Not sure I want to delve into it on any level with anyone who's asked me...what I feel like saying is ask Mr. X, but since I'm quite sure he's blissfully enraptured in his new nuptials I'm not sure that's the best idea since I would hate to create some marital discord.

For all intents and purposes I hold absolutely not hard feelings and I really hope things go well for them. Sigh...I think I may do best to just avoid the question all together and vow to keep my mouth shut.

Speak now or forever hold your peace.

Episode 59- Tippy Tie on the Panty Sty

So I was asked to explain this in further detail, but on Friday I had an intellectual conversation with Pootie Tang...of rather some dude named Oz who looked just like Pootie Tang (wa dah tah! rotfl)




Can't lie this is one of the most retarded movies ever made, but this scene always cracks me the hell up...and I swear I had to fight the urge to do this scene. Dude fo' sho looked like Pootie (leapotime...rotfl). So Pootie...errrr... well f it I'll call him Pootie, starts telling me his story (mind you we are standing outside of a restaurant) about how his baby mama went crazy--she was cheating on him while he was working (I believe he said he was a truck driver) and then tried to evict him from his house when he was on the road one night. Somehow I envisioned his baby mama looking very much like Biggie Shorty--and that ladies and gentlemen is why I need not drink that much. lol. However...in the middle of our conversation a man walks up on us looking rather um...how shall I put this gently--crackhead-ish--and proceeds to run some game about he had a baby with him and he need to get some formula for the baby. So Pootie proceeds to give dude some money while giving me the look that said clearly we both know this mofo is on game. He then says--"sometimes we get tested".

I thought about this for a minute. I realize this should've been a serious moment--but...

I f'ing lost it

I mean completely lost it. Tears down my face, howling laughing, stomach aching--lost it. Yeeeeeeeah something about getting sage advice from Pootie just wasn't right.

Smh. Done.

Episode 58- The Deal Breakers

Just when I thought I was safe from the drama...

So I went out on Friday and by happenstance ended up having a conversation with a very interesting person. Turns out we have a lot in common--including the fact that he hosts a open mic venue, so out initial conversation was all about that.

Later in the evening he says he's really into me. So--we exchange numbers.

Now...if you know anything about me, or if you've read my previous entries--you know a) I don't date much--for a reason and b) I'm nothing if not upfront and honest...keep those things in mind.

So yesterday he calls me and we talk for a little while and I say, I have a couple of things you should know upfront that might be potential deal breakers

1. My schedule is really, really hectic between school, work and performing--so if you're the type that needs to be around me 24/7 that's not going to work.
2. I have a daughter. She's priority #1 so if you don't like children it's a wrap

Ok...so here's what I get in response...

1.The schedule thing I understand because I am in school too.
2.As far as kids I definitely do not have a problem with that because I have a 10 year old, 6 year old and 8 month old twins (btw he's in his 30's--and there is more than one baby mama, but according to what I'm told no baby mama drama)


So then... we continue talking and then I find out...he spent 2 years in prison.

The short story is, he's ex military and did two tours in Iraq. When he came home he had some readjustment issues and it subsequently led to a fight which led to an assault charge. Ironically he said to me that he feels like it did him good because he has since been able to get things back on track...

I didn't quite know how to react. What do you say to something like that? Does it become a deal breaker? Hmm...

If you were me, what do you do?

Episode 57- Things I Wish I Could Say

Ok... I am super duper annoyed today. Today is just THAT day where for whatever reason people just see fit to irk the bejesus out of me.

Normally I am a person who does not bit my tongue, but the people choosing to pluck my nerves like an out of tune banjo are people that-- for the time being-- I need to make nice with (for a host of reasons)...however, if I were allowed such luxuries I would say the following (add major eye rolling, neck popping, finger waving and teeth gnashing to get the full effect):

• You get on my fucking nerves
• I can sum up my critique in one sentence: Your book sucks.
• I'm going to need you to get a clue.
• If I don't answer my damn phone it's because I really don't want to talk to you and calling me three times back to back isn't going to make me change my mind
• You sir, are an idiot
• A salute to Captain Obvious!
  
• No, I can't help you. No really...I'm not a therapist
• I don't care about your day, your progress, your struggle or any of that other bullshit you're trying to lay on me
• Fuck you! Pay me!
• Please don't "help" me, "Ike" don't need your help!
• I am not--- your mother, girlfriend, confidant, therapist, personal secretary/assistant, note taker, web researcher, errand girl or your friend.
• You couldn't pay me enough...
• I plan to speak very slowly so that you understand the words that are about to come out of my mouth...
• I know what the hell I said, because I was THERE when I said it
• I hate repeating myself
• I hate repeating myself
• I HATE repeating myself
• You do things in the stupidest way possible and it's not my job to explain to you why the way you're doing it is stupid.
• For someone who claims to be all that...um...you're still extremely suspect
• My 5 year old has more skills than you
• Until there is a deal on the table-- stop talking!
• You are delusional. Need me to spell THAT for you?
  
• I'm beginning to suspect you like the taste of your Nikes as many times as you stick your foot in your mouth
• Seriously? That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard, but I'ma let you run with that

You know...I feel slightly better already. We now resume with our regularly scheduled programming