Episode 18- Lowered Expectations

Perhaps because the weather (at least here) is cold or because mass market retailers have already begun peddling pink and red cupid paraphernalia and cream filled chocolate hearts that will either melt or be half eaten and tossed, I'm finding that a lot of people are in one of two stages right now...

A) You are in a relationship or have some symbiotic or parasitic attachment to someone for whom you feel obligated to send/give a gift or at least acknowledge 2 weeks from now

OR

B) You are single, panicking, wondering if you will have to resort to sending yourself flowers to at least maintain the appearance of having someone significant while you contemplate the night when you will have to go home and drown your misery in cheap liquor and bon bons. And God forbid you are recently single because THEN you will further torture yourself by playing every sad song imaginable while sobbing into said cheap liquor.

Now for people in category B, you have a variety of options here. I whole heartedly advocate online dating...HOWEVER, if you choose to go this route aside from basic safety and common sense, there are a few key things and red flags you should be aware of when perusing through ads.

For instance:

• Make sure you are looking at ads in the correct category. I just found out what "M4T" means. If you don't know check out the casual encounters section on craigslist...LMAO. (I know I'm slow, but let me clarify I don't mess with CL like that unless I am looking for freelance writing jobs).
• Speaking of which--realize that 99% of folks embellish their ads or straight up lie--it's like padding a resume. Accept it.
• If someone says they like to be spoiled read "gold digger"
• Thick and voluptuous read "a chunkster" (sorry to the big girls/men but be honest--I know some people like big bone-ded, but 350 lbs of gut spillage is not everyone's thing)
• If they will only agree to meet you at your house or call you from any phone other than their home or cell...they're MARRIED
• If a guy says size unimportant, he's got a girl and he's trying to get laid
• If it says "young at heart"...he's about 72 with sweaty balls, so get your viagra and defibulator machine ready
• If they've got a pic of their body but no face, you can bet they either hijacked the pic from another site, or they resemble magilla gorilla
• If they have pics of their genitals, they're freaks...but that may not always be a bad thing wink wink
• If it sounds fishy it probably smells that way too. Pass them the number to the closest STD clinic
• I've noticed more and more people asking for "voice verify" Are that many men posing as girls???
• If it sounds too good to be true it probably is

And this is why I will hosting my annual anti-valentine campaign in a few weeks. Cupid done shot too many of us in the ass. I figure it's time to shoot back.

Episode 17- What you Won't Do For Love

One of my very good friends offered me this piece of sage advice a few years ago.

She said, just because you love somebody doesn't mean you should be with them.

It's true.

Sometimes you do what you can and things just don't fall into place. It happens like that.

I still love S, despite whatever. But I know it doesn't work for us to be together. We can't seem to get on the same page about anything.

My "big brother" as much as he tries to deny it...still has feelings for his baby mama. Granted he's well aware of the fact that she a psychopath in every sense of the word.

My other friend Liz, as much as she complains about her husband...and he did do her dirty, I know she loves him, but at the same time I don't know if she wants to be married to him.

I say all the time that I think people make relationships more complicated than they need to be. But love is a complicated thing. It will make you do the most unthinkable, retarded stuff you have every done. It will make you lose all rationale and common sense. Whoever originally said it's better to have loved and lost... probably committed suicide and died a virgin. I'm neither cynical nor jaded, I'm just saying...

My question then becomes what's worse...letting go and starting over (with the hope that you might or might not get it right with someone else)? or staying in hoping that things will get better (with the possibility that they won't)?

The answer is...

Episode 16- Aaaaaand We're Done

It's official.

It's over.

I don't even know how I feel.

Sad? Relieved? Confused?

Episode 15- To Be or Not to Be. Who the Hell Cares

I just came across a very interesting discussion on the new social networking site I've been playing with--I'm so addicted...lol. Anyway, I'm paraphrasing, but the question pertained to if you are gay/lesbian/bisexual/whatever whether or not you necessarily need to "come out" to people. Key word being need.

The short version of my answer (in typical me fashion) was:

What? is it like graduating from college? Do I need to write formal announcements and handwritten cards that say "thank you for accepting me" I don't feel like I NEED to come out anymore than I NEED to announce that I'm black. I am what I am. If either one makes a difference in the way you deal with me then you don't NEED to deal with me...

Oh for the record I am bisexual. Have been for a minute. Go figure.

Just so we're clear, I am neither confused or fence straddling. I hate labels. To say I am a lesbian would be completely inaccurate. I still like and/or appreciate men--just so happens I like and/or appreciate women too. It is what it is and I am cool with it. My girlfriend is very aware of it and to this point is cool with it (yes, put two and two together S is a girl--makes so much more sense now huh?).

Yes, I put myself out there, but go back a few sentences... if it makes a difference, in fact if I've grown a third head in the last 30 seconds please let me know. I feel like at this point I'm grown, the hell I have to worry about. Anyone who knows me in the least shouldn't be surprised by anything I say or do anyway. I think I killed my shock value years ago...lol.

Anyway back to the original question...

Whether I think you "need" to come out. Honestly I think you should only tell people on a need to know basis. Um.. the people you are sleeping with or potentially trying to sleep with--need to know. Co-workers--don't need to know unless you're prepared to have them all up in your business. My friends need to (and do) know (how awkward would conversations about our love lives be otherwise...rotfl). My family, some know some don't. This has been a source of conflict with me and S for a few months. I haven't told my mom and step dad up to this point because we'd been going through so much shit I really didn't feel it was appropriate to drop that piece of news on them. I think I dropped enough bombs over baghdad in 2008.

However, last two visits with my mom since the move, I actually tried to tell her. Never happened, not for lack of trying though--she cut me off before I could get to the good part. I mean I could call my mom on the phone and tell her, but I believe that this conversation should take place in person.

This resulted in a long drawn out unnecessary argument with S about a week or two ago. Now, she told her mom--against my advice. Her mother is in somewhat ill health and far more conservative than mine--not to mention she decided to wait until we were in the middle of a break-up to do it. Why, I have no idea, but she made her own bed with that one. Whatever--that is neither here nor there.

So back to the question...

Is it necessary to "come out"?

Or my question, what precisely am I "coming out" of since I have never been in. And even if I do, does it matter and who cares...

Fuck the existential question.

Episode 14- Secret Squirrel

Man oh man I just had an adventure worthy of a JS Moment. And it's only the beginning of January. LOL.

So my a friend of mine called me a little while ago and tells me she's going to stop by my house for a few...actually she picked me up so we could go play Secret Squirrel.

Secret Squirrel is spying on your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/significant other

Gotta tell you a little back story on this. My friend (we'll call her J) is dealing with a very well off, very cute, very married (but currently separated) man. Given the circumstances of their (ahem) arrangement there are some inherent trust issues so she wanted to do a drive his job and see if he was being a good little boy.

So you know me...anything for the betterment of mankind--that's what we did. LMAO. Now mind you I haven't done one of my little stealth missions in minute. We get up there and park like across from the building--you can kinda see in and everything looks all good. After about a half hour or so he leaves and his business associate who was also there leaves. Now I had parallel parked the car across the street next to a fence to get a good vantage point and so we wouldn't been seen--you would've had to be looking to find us, plus I was parked behind an SUV.

Wouldn't you know ol' boy's business associate owned the SUV!!

He starts walking over towards the car. J is hiding in the passenger seat trying to scootch down with her hat on her face because this guy has met her before. Me on the other hand, I don't move cause I'm thinking maybe he won't notice me--which of course he sees me but I start giving the look like what--I'm waiting on someone so I think he saw me but he didn't acknowledge me so I just chilled until he left. Maaaaaaan that was some funny shyt right there. I think we laughed all the way back to the house. I was like what if we had got busted...

I'm a grown ass woman dog! Ionevenno (read: I don't even know...lol). I mean at that point in the game what do you even say or do if you get busted. Damn, you couldn't even lie about it...lol

Well, see, what had happened was...

I am so glad I can laugh at myself.

The good news is no news...he really was being good--at least momentarily. The world is safe for now from evil doers and cheating boyfriends.