Episode 1-When Good Relationships Go Bad

Last night I officially became single again.

Can't say that I am happy. Not as upset as I figure I should be...considering. Wasn't a particularly traumatic breakup, I've had far worse believe you me.

It was done over the phone. No hang ups--well at least not in the literal sense.

I even did the thing I NEVER do and gave the "out"...you know the "out"--let me make this easier on you because obviously you're having trouble with this so I'll lend you a plausible reason to justify you obviously twisted logic for rolling out just so I can spare myself the agony and extra unnecessary drama--

What I said: Well, if that's the way you feel, then I guess I can respect that

What I was actually thinking: Are you f'ing serious?

I handled it quite well if I do say so myself. No crying, no begging, no cussing, no threats to pull a Jazmine Sullivan and go busting out car windows. Nope not I. Suffice it to say, you caught me on a good day.

And for all my good will and humanity I get a bunch of calls, emails and texts today telling me what a mistake it was and you want to work it out. You think?

To quote the great philosopher and beloved hero Tweety Bird, "he don't know me verwy well do he?"

I'm gonna let you sit and pontificate on that for a sec, because your issues are just that, your issues. We'll see how I feel tomorrow or perhaps the day after when you get some act right in your system.

And now for my final thought: Relationships are like 401Ks. You have to contribute and I'll match. It takes a while to be fully vested and there are penalties from early withdrawl.

Why am I here? The Eternal Question

For whatever reason, (my latest theory being that I must've screwed someone over in a past life), things that seem improbable, next to impossible or just so outlandish they're fit for Jerry Springerdom seem to always happen to me.

I don't go looking for drama. I'm pretty upbeat, optimistic...occasionally (ahem!) sarcastic, but seriously, I sometimes believe that whatever force controls the universe is on serious joke time when it comes to me.

As a secondary incentive for more misadventures to occur, I have a penchant for talking things up. Don't let me even mention the possibility of some random event occurring because knowing how it works with me, it'll probably happen. If I knew how to channel it, I'm telling you I could make a mint betting the odds in Vegas.

I've reached the point now where all I can do is point and laugh and pray that I never find myself on Jerry Springer Uncut or on PayPerView.

In the meantime, I'm going to chronicle some of these "episodes" if for no other reason than I have nothing better to do than sit on my couch with a pint of beer, Ben & Jerry's, polishin' my one tooth and crying about the man I think might be my baby daddy while I type.

Truly it's not that serious, but you get the gist.