Who needs turkey...

...when you got chicken legs! Oh yeah I almost forgot...in a special edition to the thanksgiving festivities, to tell THIS doozie... Welcome to today's wtf moment.

So while I was on vacation, a friend and I went out driving to pick up some stuff for her birthday. We're driving on the west side (which is usually a pretty um..."entertaining" area anyway). We're stuck at a light waiting to get back on the highway pretty much engrossed in conversation when my friend's conversation stops mid sentence...as I wondering what's going on I look past her out of the driver's side window to see a man standing just on the other side of the street, talking to himself and making wild hand gestures (as if he was having the best conversation of his life) while simultaneously pulling down first one layer of pants, then another, until he is standing in just a pair of tighty whities.

Jaw hits floor

I could not even begin to tell you what prompted this midday peep show although if I had to take a guess I'd say--CRACK! but that'd be just a guess, who am I to speculate. All I know is before I could completely wrap my head around it and (thankfully) before the tighty whities could make a run for the border--the light changed.

Episode 7- Holiday Drama part 1

So Thanksgiving is over. And Black Friday is really kinda feeling like just that. And I am thankful that it is almost over.

I know I shouldn't complain. Since my family moved away I didn't even spend my holiday with them but rather I took a drive down to Georgia and spent it with my little sister and a few friends...which if you didn't know meant some great JS moments. Here are the highlights:

Moment #1- Went to see V's band play. Fight breaks out. Band members pull an Eddie Kane. Show over. Have a few drinks. Caravan to the Dec. Crazy, drunk band member hits on me--gets left at party.

Moment #2- Go see my sister. Meet her new "friend." House gets invaded unexpectedly and unannounced by friend's family. Awkward moments galore. Friend's mother accuses my sister of flirting with friend's un-cute sister(!) Friend later has minor nervous breakdown. Fun times had by all.

Moment #3- Go to a friend's house to spend the rest of the week. Call the SO to say hey--awkward silence, awkward silence, SO: nooooooooo I'm not upset, crickets chirping, crickets chirping, SO: stop asking me there's nothing wrong. 5 more minutes of silence...Me: ok, well I'm gonna go--SO: well why don't you want to talk to me, nevermind just go hang with your friends-- click.

Seriously?

oh and there was so much more...those were just the highlights. Gotta love the holidays...and just think only a few more weeks until Christmas and that's when he real episodes will start. Woo hoo.

Episode 6-Attack of the 50 Foot Amazon

I have to tell this story, not just because it's an "I told you so" moment, but because it over qualifies for an episode of Jerry.

I have a male friend who I will call "Mr. X"

Mr. X and I have been friend for about the last 3 or 4 years. I think he's a nice guy. No serious romantic interests or anything like that--don't get the wrong idea. Awhile back I introduced him to another friend of mine, they initially hit it off but then that quickly fell apart for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was this psycho Amazon chick he had been dealing with off and on.

This chick should serve as the example of everything women do to self-sabotage their relationships!

First off, I shoulder some of what happened on Mr. X, because there were red flags from this girl from the very beginning. She showed all the classic symptoms of being (to quote Martin Lawrence) crazy, deranged. Aside from having a generally unpleasant attitude, it was clear to anyone who was paying attention that she also had some serious insecurity and anger management issues. That, coupled with a basic lack of common sense, is like standing on the train tracks waiting to catch a train. But love tends to screw rational thinking.

Now he tried to break it off with her about a year ago. They were in a long distance relationship at the time.

Her first two major mistakes...despite the obvious problems in their relationship and the fact that (hello!) he tried to break up with her, she insisted (as in-- packed her stuff, cancelled her lease and made a screaming beeline for his house) on moving where he was. And number two, on the day of the breakup she announced she was pregnant. Well what a coinkydink!

So he tried to do the right thing...deal with the situation as it were. But then she made mistakes numbers 3, 4, 5 and 6. She expected she could change him, she expected him to want to stay with her because she was pregnant, she basically cut him off from all his friends and then she did the psycho girl thing and started checking his phone etc. etc... I'm actually surprised she didn't ask to smell his d!@&





Woooooo boy!

So long story short--months and months of drama and a baby later he finally came back to his senses and they split. Now, it could have been amicable, but seeing as how she is crazy, deranged...it couldn't be that easy huh! Which brings us to a few days ago when she moved out...

In her last ditch effort to score one for the crazy team, she tried to start a fight...a fist fight, on the day she moved the last of her things. Mr. X had enough foresight to call the cops and have her escorted out (cue applause) and she made mistake number 7 and screamed "I hate you and I hope you die!" Ladies, no matter how upset you are...it doesn't endear you to them to throw a fit like a 4 year old and put a death wish on them...a) it's truly childish and b) if something really WAS to happen, you'd be the first one looking stupid at the funeral falling out in the aisle crying 'bout how you love-ed you some him.

Things happen, sometimes relationships don't work. You get sad, upset and emotional. It hurts, but you deal with it and you move on. But I don't doubt for a second that even if I told her that, that her attitude would change. Until then I feel kinda bad for both of them...her because she will never HAVE the type of relationship she is looking for--if she even really knows what she's looking for. And him because until she figures herself out I can guarantee from here until eternity he's gonna have to deal with baby mama drama.

And now for my final thought: Those who fail history are doomed to repeat it and right now a lot of us are flunking out.

Episode 5- We put the "fun" in dysfunctional

In talking to a few of my friends yesterday, I had a profound and utterly enlightening revelation. Every friend I have is in a completely dysfunctional relationship. Currently in the lineup...

1 friend dating a semi-married psycho stalker
1 dating a whiny, insecure idiot with more baggage than a luggage store
1 married to a man and keeping a secret girlfriend on the side (my friend not her husband)
1 getting a divorce and dating a man with an abundance of --how shall I say-- "history"
1 married who cheated (but only after the husband cheated first and had a love child)
1 who faked the funk that her marriage was pristine only to find out she'd been separated for months before anyone found out
1 who had to file a protective order against her baby daddy

I have storylines that could keep Jerry Springer in business for the next 5 seasons. I can't make this stuff up.

And now my own relationship with an insanely jealous, completely insecure, hypersensitive drama queen doesn't seem so, well, dysfunctional. Man, I need some new friends...just kidding!

But seriously, there can't possibly be that many messed up people in the dating pool.

Are there?




Final Thought: if you're gonna take a swim in the dating pool, bring some shark repellant

Episode 4- Why Can't I Quit You?

Post election euphoria aside...

Back to our show. I have to ask, what is about some people that just renders them unable to understand simple words and phrases. Too much television? Lack of vitamin C or basic 3rd grade comprehension skills? Backwood inbreeding perhaps?




Could've swore I said not once but at least 3 times in the past week I was done. through. finish. finito. gone. elvis has left the building. I know I said it because I was there when I said it.

Now I might have considered discussing the possibility of trying to work it out. Until... you went from 0 to psycho in 3 seconds flat. We finally spoke today after almost a week of the silent treatment from me--mostly because I have had the week from hell and really wasn't trying to have an extended conversation with the devil. But today I said and I quote "we'll talk later on tonight." It's 7 syllables. I used short words. Yet, my phone rang no less than 5-6 times today.

And then came the crazy text messages...um...hate to tell you, but you've now officially entered the psycho stalker realm [cue music from the Twilight Zone]. What exactly about your retarded behavior says "here's a good reason to take me back"? Was it the part where you emailed me saying you weren't going to call me again (which I was reading when you called me for the second time)? Or perhaps it was the moment when you asked if I was seeing someone else (I'm glad you seem to think I am diva enough to begin dating again a week after we broke up--I am...lol...but that's besides the point).

Oh but wait here's the kicker... the last text entailed asking me to speak to your mother.

stunned. silence. while. i. ponder. precisely. how. i. should. respond.

Ok...where's Ashton. Swear I must be on Punk'd. No way you're serious? C'mon now. I'm gonna need you to put the crack pipe down.

Smacks self upside held. Pinches arm to ensure this is not a weird dream.

But then again, this is why I titled this blog "Jerry Springer Moments."

And on that note... here is my final thought: They say, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...I am neither a man, nor am I hungry so please stop trying to feed me your bs.

Episode 3-Confessions of a Election Day Voter

It's 8 am. I'm watching Jerry Springer (literally). But I'd like to interrupt the slap fest for a brief commercial announcement:




Voted this morning. Was up at the crack of butt (aka 4:45 am EST). Grabbed some 7-11 coffee (should've waited...just FYI Starbucks, Krispy Kreme and Ben and Jerry's are giving away goodies for wearing your "I voted" sticker). Got to my local polling place at 5:20 (polls opened at 6am) and lucky me I was only about number 15 in line. I have to say if everyday was like this morning, my faith in the system would be restored. Everyone was surprisingly jovial, joking, sharing. I even met a fellow Orangeman (go 'Cuse!). The weather cooperated (although I got there early enough to be inside). By the time the poll opened they were splitting us up by last name...I jumped from number 15 to number 3. Go me!

No 12 hour line, no drama, no quirks. I cast my ballot, got my sticker and when I looked at the time...It was 6:08 am. There's something to be said for getting up early. Outside the line was already beginning to wrap around the parking lot and cars were everywhere, but I didn't hear any grumbling or complaining. In fact people actually cheered when the first of us came from the exit. I'll save my cheering for tomorrow, when it's official!

In the meantime...if you haven't, then do it. You can't blame anyone but yourself on this one. Even if you've never been political in your life, make it your business to be political TODAY. No excuses! I can't tell you who to choose (I won't even tell you who I chose--although if you know me you already know the answer!--but that's why ballots are secret for a reason).

But just in case you missed it, here are some quick tips:

Double check your polling place. You don't want to stand in line for 3 hours only to find out you were athe wrong place. You can check online at your state election board website.

Take two forms of ID (just in case!). Make sure one of them is your driver's license or picture ID. I also took my Voter Registration Card (the poll worker actually told me that was easier for her to look up).

Don't wear anything political. They can and will turn you away from the polls.

Bring something to read, something to snack on and some patience.

It may be different in different states, but here they give you the option to use the machines or fill the scantron bubble ballot...if you don't feel comfortable with the machines ask for the the paper ballot.

Double check your vote. It is NOT official until you hit the vote button and you see the message that says thank you for your vote. If something looks wrong do not leave the booth. Ask the election official to come to you.

Don't wait until the last minute. Find out what time the polls close.

I'm not trying to be obvious man, but hey don't say you can't say I didn't tell you. But why are you reading this, you should be at the polls! Go vote already.

I'm a registered voter and I approve this message!

Must've Been a Past Jerry Springer Guest

For those people who know me, I keep a running tab of odd names (paticularly baby names). This is my winner of the week:

La-a

and it's pronounced La DASH ah

All I can do is shake my head in stunned silence. [Insert your own jokes here]

Episode 2-When Good Relationships Go Bad Part 2

Like the day after Thanksgiving with the family, I'm still dealing with leftover drama.

And apparently I'm not the only one. Our next guest is one of my closest friends whose psychotic girlfriend is giving him nothing but whine--and I don't mean Yellow Tail. But what does he expect exactly when he's dealing with someone who has the IQ of a brick and a head just as hard. But I digress...

We spent about an hour today discussing our less than better halves' seeming obsession with causing EUD (extra unnecessary drama).

Like here's a scenario...you call me all day long, just blowing up my phone like it's the psychic hotline (call me now!) and I don't answer (that should be a cue I don't want to talk). Finally after all that I finally say "call me"... the response-- why should I, you haven't been answering all day so why you want me to call now?

Seriously? Game on.

If you do call me back, I have someone I'd like you to speak to...Ms. Click

Ms. who?

Click!

Or this little doozie...my friend takes his psycho girl to his son's football game knowing that his ex wife will be there with her new boyfriend. Mind you, they had an amicable divorce so they're not trippin' off each other or their respective new relationships. So why is psycho girl complaining about the fact (I mean seriously going on and on and on) that (wait for it, wait for it...) they didn't hold hands or cuddle. Um...aside from the fact that you are at a football game (what self respecting man cuddles at a football game???), what does it prove? Everyone knows who you are and they don't care! Did I mention that we're not talking about a young girl who maybe doesn't know the rules of engagement...she's damn near 40. Damn near 40 and still hiding in the closet trying to potentially catch her man cheating. Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!

Gotta love drama queens cause they are truly modern day marvels. I often wonder how they function on a daily.

And now for my final thought: If you truly love someone set them free, then run screaming in the opposite direction.