Episode 51- A Christams Story...Because I PROMISE You I Could Not Make this UP

I posted this story on Facebook, (this version includes the videos I didn't upload) but...this is what happened to me over Christmas.

It all started about a week ago...As many of my fellow DC people know we got hit by 2 feet of snow the weekend before Christmas. Now in theory my plans for Christmas involved trying to get to Vegas to be with my family and most importantly my 5 year daughter...the original plan called for me to leave on Sunday...

Long story short due to mother nature, some miscommunications, my nutty family and finances I ended up at a point where it was looking like I wouldn't be able to go. Then my daughter said something very profound to me on Monday and basically it was at that point I decided I would do whatever it took to get to Vegas...those words "whatever it takes" came back to kick me straight in the ass...

Because of the airline situation at first I actually contemplated driving to Vegas...I swear I wouldn't do this for anybody other than Drey, but finally on Tuesday I managed to snag a one way train ticket. I'm thinking 2 days...I'll suck it up be a little uncomfortable, but be there Christmas Eve and surprise her. I started this journey TUESDAY NIGHT (keep this in mind). Everything was ok until I hit St Louis...

By now it's Wednesday late afternoon. Mother nature heffer that she is decided to build her own personal skating rink...over Colorado, Utah and Kansas. So when I got to the Lou all I see is a handwritten sign saying all outbounds to KC, Denver, VEGAS, L.A. canceled due to a severe ice storm.

Hmm... ok. At this point I'm almost at the halfway point and I'm facing being stuck...I stand in this really long line and with a little "creative re-routing" I'm told I can still make it and only be off schedule by about 3 hours. Allow me to define "creative re-routing"...it means I would be detoured through the states of Missouri, Oklahoma, north Texas, New Mexico and Arizona. Le grand sigh...at this point I don't have much of a choice.

So we get back on track so to speak (no pun intended)...the whole time I am reminding myself that this is for Drey and I can take a minor setback. It's pretty darn cold but the weather was holding out for a little while. Then I woke up Thursday morning Christmas Eve in Oklahoma and saw nothing but a solid wall of white. I mean I've seen snow (I did go to Syracuse afterall), but this was crazy...it for REAL looked those Discovery Channel documentaries on the South Pole. When we got to points where we could see the highway I saw SEVERAL flipped over tractor trailers just laying across the road it was insane!!! when I said I wanted a white Christmas this was NOT what I had in mind.




We make it as far as Texas...we make it as far as Texas...sigh...we make it to TEXAS!!! (damn it almost there!!!) and the second we walk in they've shut the whole station down saying nothing goes in or out until 9 am...on FRIDAY.

They had gone as far as to call shuttles in to take people to hotels and the Salvation Army shelters..the funny part is it was cold as hell...like arctic tundra cold but the roads were perfectly clear by this point.

Something told me not to leave.

In the ensuing 4 hours you pretty much saw the same repeating look of desperation and dread with everyone thinking they would have to spend the night in Texas ( and not even like huge city, but small town Texas) on Christmas...eating whatever was on the diner menu for Christmas dinner. I start working on plans D, E, F, G, H and I trying to figure a way out...local airport shut down. Can't get a rental car one way...too much money....hmmm... (I was so desperate to escape I contemplated renting a U-Haul 1 way and carting people like they do over the border). I get narrowed down to a) resigning and waiting it out b) catching a ride with 3 guys (random strangers) who were headed to Phoenix and managed to get a car or c) catching a ride to Albuquerque with a mother and her teenage son who had family coming to get them, but this would require waiting several hours for them to get there.

Then the reprieve...

They decided to let all westbound travelers go. God is GREAT!!!!!

I'm outta that building faster than Speedy Gonzales... on speed...lol You're thinking by now, this trip can not have had anything ELSE go wrong... that's enough of a mess...

Le GRANDE GRANDE DELUXE SIIIIIIIIGH.

So how bout it's now late Christmas eve...I've now made it as far as Albuquerque.



According to what I'm thinking IN THEORY I should hit Vegas by early morning maybe 9-ish local time...

HA!!!!!

Come to find out the place where we are supposed to make the last connect in BF nowhere Arizona...is shut down Christmas day so they have to divert us...to Phoenix (um...for the geographically challenged they basically took us almost 3 hours in the opposite direction of Vegas).

At this point I'm exhausted, sleep deprived, disgusted and my ankles look like two cans of popped biscuits cause they swole from the days of sitting...at 7 am on Christmas I watched an Arizona sunrise thinking to myself there is still only ONE person that I would go through this for and it still looks like I wont get there in time...




So finally at 8:30 (AZ time) we get to Phoenix.

And just when I thought it couldn't be worse...

option a) wait until 12:40p to catch a connection to Vegas (and not get there until after 8:00 PM!!!) or b) leave in 15 mins and be diverted...through San Bernadino...CALIFORNIA...

lemme get this straight...you took me 3 hours in the opposite direction only to take me 3 hours in the opposite opposite direction...SERIOUSLY?

I lost it.

I go on the phone and guess what...that same ice storm that snafu'd me in the beginning opened up a one way ticket on Southwest Airlines from Phoenix to Vegas for cheap. I hailed a cab and had this great cabbie hightail my ass to Skyharbor. My pilot this really cool Hawaiian dude dressed like Santa.



The flight took all of 45 mins and they got us in 20 mins EARLY (you better believe I am writing a fantastic letter to Southwest!!)

Grand total... 2500 miles, 13 states, @65 total hours of travel, a snowstorm an ice storm...and totally worth it...because one of the first things out of Drey's mouth---after she ran up and down announcing (read: screaming lol) that I was there and we had the ubiquitous Hallmark Christmas moment -- she leaned over to me and said "Mommy this is the BEST Christmas EVER!!!!"

I totally agree.

Merry Christmas

Episode 50- Life

I think I've tried to write and re-write this episode 4 or 5 times. Sigh!

I've been in hermit mode again...but this isn't a bad thing. Trying to get some things situated and work on my book. I'm mildly stressed--no more than usual, especially this time of year-- but ok. I'm working through some things but I have faith they will all come together.

Very odd...despite it all I feel very calm. This is a little abnormal for me. Old me would be stressed to the hilt and upset. New me trusts that it will be done the way it's supposed to be.

On a more good news/bad news note...so P got her book published. It's out, it's done, but it has caused quite a bit of controversy and revelation and family drama prior to the holidays. That's not great news but--with the exception of one thing it was pretty much what I expected would happen. What I didn't completely expect was how much it would change people BEFORE they even read it. Me included, though I did read it obviously.

Been a weird week--so for Sunday I say, let's try this again...sigh! Let's hope/pray things get better.

Episode 49- Signs It Might Be Time to Get a Restraining ORDER!

I am going to vent for a sec...because maaaaan this right 'chere is some BULLSHIT.

I have tried everything and I do mean EVERYTHING in my power to be nice to my ex, but at the same time get the point across that you need to leave me the hell alone. When nice didn't work I was mean...and I mean MEAN as hell...didn't work. I finally got my point across (so I thought)...a couple of weeks ago, when I said for the 796th time (no bullshit) and I quote "I don't want to TALK to you anymore. EVER! in LIFE!!"

I'm not sure what part of that was unclear...

So a 2 weeks ago I get an email requesting some pictures that were sent to me be returned to sender...I say ok. I sent them, but they're going overseas so they take a minute. Today I get another email asking about the pics...I say they were sent, past that there's nothing else I can do...

This turns into a damn argument...first my ex proceeds to say I have an attitude (well yeah I do because I could've swore I said "didn't speak to me EVER!!" and yet HERE YOU ARE contacting me) and tells me that's why I'm single (actually bitch I'm single because unlike you I choose not to SETTLE for the first person who comes along)...I wasn't even going to grace her with a response until the TABOO subject came up and I couldn't help it...I lit that ass up!

If this was God testing me to see if I've changed...then God help me I failed miserably, but you don't say what was said to me and expect not to get the full wrath...if I was within arms reach this would have been the moment for me to reach out and touch this bitch!

So... I was as nice as I could muster while still reiterating my viewpoint that my ex is an emotionally manipulative, emotionally unstable, psychopathic, asshole. I stand by this opinion. But I had to laugh and feel simultaneously sad because a) you don't seem to see thr irony in YOU contacting ME and ultimately saying "don't call me or contact me anymore"...um I haven't called you in several months...every bit of contact in the last 9 months has been initiated by YOU!!! I purposely lost your number and until today had blocked you from everything EXCEPT MY EMAIL. You were a distant memory sweetheart!! and b) for somebody who doesn't want to talk to me...and claims they regret dating me WHY THE FUCK...would you send me a grand total of (hold on lemme count to make sure I get this right...) SEVEN emails telling me how happy you are in your new relationship and how she's so much better than me and treats you good...like my opinion could or should matter to YOU. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!! << said in my best Chris Tucker voice.

Do you! I'm genuinly happy for you, I'd be more happy if you'd leave me the HELL ALONE. GET THE HELL ON with your "new" relationship. Anyone that "secure" in what they have doesn't need to write 7 emails to their EX trying to convince them that they're "happy" SMH.

I promise you this is the last time I let this bs with S take me out of my zone.

DONE.

Episode 48- I Could But I Won't...

This conversation I'm about to have with you has come up repeatedly in recent weeks...

Here the scenario... you meet someone, you really click with them. Things are going well, you're really getting along. This person tells you up front that they're into you, but they're kind of in a weird place when it comes to relationships and as such, the two of you decide to keep it platonic for the time being.

So although your feelings are with this person, technically you're still single. If you found yourself in a position to potentially have sex with someone else--an ex lover... would you? and if you did, would you feel the need to disclose this information even if you KNEW there was no other way for the other person to find out?

Episode 47- 33 like the record

That's how old I am today...for the record. Nothing profound today. Just wanna celebrate! :)

Episode 46- Life, Love and the Pursuit of...something that resembles happiness

It's not just me. It's everyone I know...going through things.

It's in the atmosphere. It's background to everything-- even when I have a smile on my face. I'm plotting, I'm planning, I'm forcefully trying to pull my life in another, more positive direction. Life fights me. I fight back. It is what it is. I live, I breathe in and I write. I share bits and pieces of myself so I can remember what got me here in the first place.

The point is... I am here...wherever "here" is at this stage in my life. I'm approaching another birthday in a few weeks. And the only thing I want...

Happiness.

Wrap it up in a box. I get it in fleeting moments, but I want it at least with some degree of consistency. I'm not asking for world peace, just steady peace of mind. I realize that life is not going to go easy on me just because I want it to, but something has got to give...or at least make it a fair fight. I feel like David with a slingshot and a handful of rocks, but my aim is off (I am so using that in a poem...lol).

My point being if I could just get that one thing...everything else would fall into place

...if only. Le grand sigh!

I Got My Ass Kicked By Life and That B!+@h is Wearing Steel Toe Boots

...I think that would be a great book title. Sigh!

Episode 45- SMH. The 'L' Word Part 2

So I'm back from vacation and some interesting developments have occurred since our last installment.

I didn't want to be the one to say I told you so, but... damn it I told you so... see, going back to our last episode, where I was venting about the use or overuse of the "L" word, why is it that now all parties have removed the stardust from their eyeballs and showing themselves for who they are.

DJ and Angie are ok...they met, everything was great. Until... I asked Angie if she was still "in love" and. I. got. a. moment. of... PAUSE, and a sentence that started with "well..."

SMH. You KNOW that is never a good sign... However they are still together and things seem to be going ok. So we'll just let that ride. However...

Nic and Claudia.

Le grande SIGH!

These two...the story is sounding more and more like the Young and The Restless. And if I wasn't hearing it all firsthand I almost wouldn't believe it.

So Claudia backed out of the trip she was supposed to make to see Nic... because of some "work related training" that conveniently came up at the last minute. I would tend to believe that on face value but there are some AHEM, inconsistencies in the way the story was told. I may not be good at math, but um...something doesn't quite add up. Now, I see major red flags all over the place, but I have resolved to keep my opinions to myself, so I let Nic vent and just kinda take it all in. However, here's where I have a major problem...

Nic has some serious life or death health issues. So I'm hoping against hope that I am wrong (smh) and that Claudia, for what it's worth, is being forthcoming, because nothing would be more messed up than for her to turn out to be on some retarded game playing mode and put that kinda undue stress on Nic.

As for me. It's complicated. I am trying to untangle myself and my feelings about someone. I refuse to commit to the "L" word because I know I shouldn't.

I said it before I'm not "in love" even though I might like you a little bit... sigh . WTH?

Episode 44- the 'L' word

I have inexplicably and inadventantly become a matchmaker of sorts within the last couple of weeks...

A few episodes back I wrote about the online group that I now moderate. Well as it turns out, in the last few weeks two different sets of people have managed to find a love connection. Go figure!

That in and of itself was not completely unexpected, the matched couples however were... lol.

Couple #1 I'll call "Angie" and "DJ" came together after a tug of war between DJ and a third party.

Couple #2 I'll call "Claudia" and "Nic"... well basically Nic outright stole Claudia from underneath someone else...lol.

By default I've become the person that all of them come to for advice, although I try to reserve my commentary for any number of reasons, not the least of which is I have a vested interest and a natural conflict of interest in all parties involved, ya dig?

So this morning, I managed to get them all together in a conference call session...which was hilarity in and of itself, but somewhere in the middle of sideline commentary...

the L word got dropped.

It was dropped between Nic and Claudia mutually. This I knew, but to have it confirmed...

When I left the conversation to go to a meeting, Nic had confirmed to Angie (sideline of course) that indeed the L word had been used. Funny thing was, as Angie was telling me the story, she proceeded to tell me that she was/is prepared to drop. the. L. word as well. (and since I started writing this-- DJ has said the L word is in play with Angie)

Blink. Blink.

Needless to say I was (still am) stunned. Speechless in fact.

See, me, (not that I believe any of them are guilty of this) I can't see throwing "Love" out there lightly. Yes I actually said it... L.O.V.E. the dreaded LOVE.

I'm the type of person who will only say it if I mean it. I don't want to drag anyone's emotions through the dirt and I damn sure don't want to say it and get...


*crickets*


On top of that, I've never been a forwardly emotional person. Besides that word is very, very powerful and once it is out there, you ever notice that you suddenly feel obligated to respond to it?

Hence my hesitancy to even use it in the first place. It tends to complicate things anyway.

However...

I will freely admit right here right now...

I am not "in love"

You thought I was going to say I was... LMAO... um...no.

Matter of fact, just had a whole long conversation about this. I'll say the door is slightly ajar at best, but if anyone thinks I'm opening it up anytime soon...they'll be sorely disappointed. Contrary to what you think, I'm gangsta leaning against it to keep it closed and I will duct tape it and nail it and super glue if I have to before I go dropping "love" all willy nilly...no matter how much I might like you...and I do like you, but um...it's NOT that serious, thank you! LMAO. At the same time though, I'm not one to tell someone else how they feel or how they're supposed to feel or even when they are supposed to feel it.

That being said... I am now watching two very happy couples in "love" and thinking to myself...

There but for a shut and locked door and a healthy dose of cynicism and skepticism goes I.

Episode-43 Ice Cubes in Hell

You know hell is well on it's way to freezing over when...

1. News of the U.S. pulling out of Iraq is completely overshadowed by Michael Jackson's funeral arrangements.

And...

2. My technologically challenged (as in I still have to explain to her how to add an attachment to an email!!!) mother just sent me a friend request on Facebook.


Sigh!

RIP Micheal Jackson

I had to say...
I had to say something...

I promised I wouldn't post the pic of my mom in her Thriller jacket. I could talk about the kid who moonwalked off stage at my high school graduation--I never could get the moonwalk right. Or maybe, about the time just last summer when I performed the entire Beat It video in the parking lot of Shopper's Food Warehouse to entertain my daughter and god daughter... and dancing with my roommate to that same song in our flat in London. We danced to Heartbreak Hotel at karaoke a few months ago and I remembered how much I loved that song. I remember where I was when the Thriller video came on tv...and when everyone was breathless watching the Black or White video.

So many good memories wrapped in the music. The world misses you already. Sigh!

Episode 41- Letter to My Father

i wrote this about 6 months ago... never posted it, but I figure today it is appropriate.

I don't know why I about to do what I am about to do...but here goes...

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my family over the past week. Was speaking to family member and the subject of Drey's dad came up...they know the story. I don't even mention his name in a sentence anymore.

(I have this seriously uncanny ability to talk up and/or predict things at random. I am soooo not trying to talk up that man-- I won't even mention his name)

Anyway so I was thinking about my own dad. My biological father. I can't really call him a "father" seeing as how I've never met him. I never realized how much it really got to me. I mean I have a father figure in my life, but I just had this weird epiphany moment and so I wanted to write this letter mostly to my dad, but also to Drey's dad and all absentee fathers:

Dear (Absent) Father:

I used to be angry.

I used to be upset.

I used to wonder why we'd never met. Why I wasn't good enough for you to stick around. Why you missed all my firsts--steps, dates etc. Why you missed my graduations (I was the first one to finish college, ya know). Why it is growing up that I had to constantly explain to everyone that asked that I didn't have a dad. He wasn't dead--he just wasn't there. Do you have any idea what it's like to be 9 years old telling people my dad left before I was born? I am the definition of the word bastard.

Do you have any idea how your absence speaks to me? Any girl without a father or a man in her life will tell you, it leaves you feeling unworthy. And empty. And it affects you.

You say to yourself why didn't he love me? You say it a lot because you can't understand why you were rejected.

They say girls form relationships with men based on their fathers. I guess that's why my daughter's father is also absent. I choose someone just like you.

I used to get upset over your absence, but over the years I've just learned to deal. It's not my fault because I didn't ask and I didn't choose. And I understand that you were young and probably scared to death. I'm not absolving you I'm simply saying I understand. We all make bad choices at some point, and maybe if they're not too bad some can be corrected.

Maybe.

And maybe at this point it's too late for me. I don't need a father in my life because I am too old to be daddy's little girl.

That may sound angry, but how can I be angry at a stranger?

Really. I could pass you on the street today and be none the wiser.

I will say this...in case you were wondering-- I'm almost happy. My life has been far from perfect, but I'm still here.

One day I'd like to meet you, over lunch in some nice restaurant. You can tell me about the family I don't know--like how uncle so and so got drunk at the last family reunion. Tell me about my brothers and sisters (if I have any). Update me what's been going on with you. Look at pictures of your grandbaby and tell me how much she looks like me. Laugh with me over a few drinks--like we're friends or something. And then afterwards go our separate ways. Turn and walk in the opposite direction like you did 32 years ago--because then I'll know everything I wanted to know.

Like I said, I used to be angry. Until I realized that I would not be who I am had you been here.

I am a mother. I am a poet. I am a student. A friend. I am a daughter. I am your daughter. I am a stranger. I am...

ok without you.

Signed,

A Daughter Who Is No Longer Lost.

Episode 40- Angels With Broken Halos

I've been called a lot of things... some good, some bad.

Most recently, I've been referred to (more than once) as an angel with a broken halo.

I try to be good. I really try. I say what I mean for the most part even if sometimes--it hurts. I try to be honest about my feelings even if it's hard for me---I'm getting better at that. I don't intend to mislead people, I'm approachable, I'm nice--most of the time. I like to think I'm funny. I say all that to ask the question...

Is there a reason why I always seem to find myself in some sort of crazy romantic entanglement?

I'm over here minding my own business. LMAO. Matter of fact I have a new Muse. I'll admit I've been... inspired, but... there are others waiting in the wings so to speak. Waiting for the Muse to leave. Waiting to be that thing that brings out my creativity. But I don't want to scatter my energies all willy nilly to the wind. I would rather stay focused. It all sounds rather poetic doesn't it? LOL

But in the simplest explanation, have you ever notice that the second you focus your feelings on someone, all of a sudden someone else will try to spike the kool-aid? Either an ex will show up or someone you didn't know had feelings for you will decided that NOW is the perfect time to throw it out there.

Hmm... a conundrum of life I suppose.

And how do I respond to these advances when a) I'm trying to listen to one voice among several looking to get my attention b) when the voices know they are talking over each other. In other words, what's the nicest way possible to reinterate to a few people that you know I am trying to work with only ONE Muse and right now that is where my attention is focused and while I appreciate your feelings I can't with you at the moment.

My relationship with my Muse at this point is only in its beginning stages and I would like to see what comes of it. So, to the others...allow me to listen please.

Readjusting my broken halo.

Episode 39- I've Always Got A Story to Tell

So I've been told I've always got a story to tell...

Well d'uh, I'm a writer. Can I help if my life is um...at least partially interesting...sometimes... lmao.

I went to Vegas last week...just got back yesterday. Won't tell the entire story, but the highlights include...

• I missed my connection from Atlanta to Vegas because I got um...sidetracked...yeah that's a good word for it--by "the devil's advocate." *secret nod*
• I sat next to a crazy old guy on the plane who kept flirting with me and giving me Jack Daniel's shots
• I had a pretty good visit with my family with only minor drama
• My baby and I had a great day at the lake and she did absolutely fabulous at graduation
• I came home broke but breathing and otherwise happy
• I had a nice talk with the "Muse" (that's how I will refer to her from here on out) yesterday. Hmmmm... will have to see how that plays itself out...I'll explain that whole thing in another episode when I actually have more to tell.

As you can see my vacation was not without some adventure and story potential. I'm still jet lagged, but again...breathing... and if I had to take something away from this...I just want to be able to meditate on the following scene...because THIS speaks for itself

:)

Episode 38-When Waiting is Not Really an Option

Wow, so...

A few months back you may remember I wrote a blog post about my friend Mr. X --the one that had the extra crazy baby mama.

Now keep in mind this was just a few months ago...maybe 6 months at best

How about I just happened to catch a glance at Mr. X's facebook page and saw that he is engaged.

Paused. Let that sink in and then I let my fingers fly at 100 miles an hour to type out an email asking if perhaps I had just "missed something"...

Nope.

Turns out he just got engaged on Saturday to a girl he has been dating---not baby mama--a different girl.

Needless to say I am shocked. Pause. Let that sink in again. rattle of another email syaing that I suppose "congrats are in order" even though what I am thinking is... wow, seriously...given your track record with women this might not be your best idea...But then again who am I to call it. You are a grown man and I can't really find a reason to object if you're happy *side eye* And OMG when baby mama finds out it's a wrap!!!

Pause. Let THAT marinate. And...

I'm just gonna sit back over here in the corner with some popcorn and watch this made for tv movie. ROTFL.

Episode 37- What I've learned about women

I realize, I've been neglecting my blogs. yeah yeah I know I know...but work has been hectic plus I inadventantly became the adminstrator for an online women's group that has kept me busy, busy, busy, entertained and busy...whew...lol

And that's what is prompting this blog entry...the group. How to best put this...

They are the wildest, funniest group of people I've ever come across. Now I'm not usually big on joining online groups because you never quite know people's agendas and sometimes if they are not handled properly you get too much back fighting and negativity and then you feel like why the hell did I get myself into this...

But this...completely different. Completely. LOL. And in my capacity as admin I've learned a few things that I would like to share.

1. The people who are the wildest, loudest, most outrageous on the boards...are typically the exact opposite in real life

2. The people who are the most quiet, reserved and laid back... are typically the exact opposite in real life

3. Women are completely capable of holding conversations with, debating, encouraging and building with other women on an intellectual and friendship level without being catty or negative. Who knew? LOL

4. Women have a hard time expressing what it is they really want because a lot of us were taught to be sideline or to sacrifice for the sake of whatever...i.e. we don't take enough time for ourselves to really know what we want much less what we deserve

5. If you really want to understand women...shut up and listen... (I tell my male friends this all the time. LMAO)

Ok...I can't give away all the girl secrets. But what I will say is that this has been an interesting experience for me so far.

I wonder why it can't all be so simple in real life?

On my mind...

A not so subliminal message...

Episode 35- To Every Asshole I've Ever Loved...

...leave me the hell alone.

You're my ex for a reason.

First...S emails me...I chose not to respond. Then calls me. I didn't mean to respond. See my previous post in Episode 31. Why can't we just leave it right there?

But wait, that's not even the funny part of the story. Last Friday my other ex...the one from Episode 34, contacted me. Ok, short story we were together for 4 years. He cheated on me at the tail end of our relationship (but this isn't why we broke up) and MARRIED the girl he cheated on me with. They moved to Texas and they have 2 kids together (plus 1 each from other relationships).

The weird thing is, I was cool with him and wifey (because at that point I just didn't care) for a minute until I was told by him, out of the clear blue that she didn't want us to be friends and didn't want him calling me anymore--mind you, this was like a year or two into their relationship, so this wasn't anything new. I was like whatever, I thought we were better than that, but I respect your realtionship.

Since that happened, my ex maybe calls me at most every 6 months or so just to check up on me because he was really tight with my family. I've never called him. But when we do speak, the conversation is usually along the lines of how you doin, how're the kids, casual chit chat whatever aight holla...I've never stepped outta place, I don't want him back. I'm so past that.

Last night I was up late watching a movie and he IMs me...I didn't think anything of it since we just spoke on Friday. We go back and forth for about a half hour...he tells me he still hasn't told wifey that we've spoke and asks if he should...methinks something is up. I say (with all sincerity) I don't care. Tell her, don't tell her, that's between y'all--I don't have to hide who I speak to.

Anyway, I find out during the course of the convo that he cheated on his wife.

Can't say this surprises me. So we keep talking and toward the back end I get a message that says "I justed wanted to thank you."

??? For what ???

For letting me know that my husband is a liar and I'm ready to leave his ass and take the kids and nail him to the wall for child support... come to find out I was talking to his WIFE!

I busted out laughing. I was like what was all the duplicity for? Anything you wanted to know I could've just TOLD you. LMAO.

We keep chatting...

I tell her that whatever is going on is between them. Again...keep in mind I speak to him casually twice a year at most. She tells me--well it just that he lies about so much and about the dumbest stuff. He even lied to me about his porn collection...lmao...I could've told her about that for the asking since I gave him some of the movies. Big deal. Then she gets to telling me how she found a hotel receipt that proves he cheated on her but he still lies about it.

The kicker was when she said... I wish I had known before we got married and had kids.

Seriously?

Lemme understand this... he cheated on me with YOU,and you somehow thought your pussy was so magically delicious he wasn't going to do that shit to you?

Bwahahahahahahaha!!! Now that's some funny shit right there!!!

I feel kinda bad for her, but then again I don't. Because karma is a bitch and anyone who says differently is a worse liar than my ex.

Episode 34- The Definition of Irony

Post of a conversation I had with an ex who cheated on me and then married the girl he cheated on me with, re: some mutual friends of ours...

Me: you still working at the same place?

LS: well i still work for the same company doing tthe same thing

Me: oh cool. btw I talked to D**** recently

LS: how is she doing

Me: fine. you know J got married and had a baby

LS: congrats

Me: um...he married the girl he cheatd on D**** with (thinking to myself does this sound vaguely familiar)

LS: u could have given us an invite

Me: I wasn't invited

Me: she told me about it after the fact.

Me: when J***** sent her a picture of the baby

LS: what u lost me who is j***

Me: lol...you were confuzzled there for a sec huh?

Me: J****

Me: you're getting old and senile. j**** as in d***** and j*****------j*****


Mind you, these were our closest friends when my ex and I lived together. Birds of a feather flock together I suppose. LMAO

Episode 34- Easter with my family

I'm going to take a momentary break from my usual semi-snarky, semi-witty, observational commentary...but just for a moment, to reveal the soft side that not too many people seem to think I have.

Today is Easter Sunday. Instead of being with my family, I'm home alone blogging. My parents and daughter are on the west coast, the rest of my family is in Ohio. I couldn't make either trip this time around. I miss them. Even if I don't tell them enough.

Easter is the one holiday in my family that usually gets us all together. In my youth, these family gatherings would be split between my grandmother's and her sister's--my great aunt's-- house. At my grandmother's we would do Easter breakfast. I would get to drink coffee--even at age 7. I would wake up early looking for my basket from "the Easter Bunny." I knew even then, that my basket came from the hands of my mom and grandmother. After breakfast I would don my Easter dress either for church or for the trip over to my great-aunt's. We would dye eggs, hunt for them in my grandmother's back yard. Eat cake that my mother and I or my aunt would bring. One year we made finger toffee. My older cousins/uncles who thought they knew everything, got their hands stuck together in molasses.

My grandmother died of cancer just after Easter 1984.

Every Easter after that one became significant. My family moved around some and eventually fractured over the next couple of years with the back to back deaths of my grandfather and step-grandfather. We spend most subsequent Easter Sundays at the home of my great aunt. It usually goes something like this...a crowd of family and friends in the neighborhood of 25-50 people, church, a huge dinner, an Easter egg hunt for the kids, a liquor bottle hunt for the adults (using miniature bottles) and hours spent jumping on the moon bounce (my family owns one) in the front yard or playing video games or bean bag toss in the garage.

My cousins and I got older and it became our kids on Easter Sunday hunting for eggs, jumping on the moon bounce. I bounce with them. I play Easter bunny, fixing baskets for the kids. I watch them play in their Easter Sunday clothes as we, now parents, urge them not to mess them up. My mom, now mamaw and my great aunt and the older adults talk in the living room or smoke in the second kitchen at the back of the house. My family, for better or worse, seems like a family.

Today is Easter Sunday. And instead of being with my family, I'm home alone blogging. And I miss them. Even if I don't tell them enough.

Episode 33- The Good, The Bad and Philly

I have a rather odd relationship with the city of Philadelphia.

Every time I've ever been, there's always something...drama, something...

This time...surprisingly enough aside from a parking ticket (ugh!) and a slight detour into New Jersey, I actually enjoyed myself.

If you know my history with Philly, you know why this shocks me. I'll have to cliff note those stories (plural) in another episode.

In any case, the show went ridiculously well. And that's despite starting on serious CPT
The crowd was great. The other artists were really really good. We acted like straight fools. I was head nodding with the DJ so hard my neck and shoulders actually hurt.

And I pulled off probably the greatest stunt in the history of poetry... I exaggerate but it was still pretty awesome. How 'bout we did a sound check right and everything was good. Later I get on stage and I'm starting my first (and hardest) piece with music no less, (so I'm trying to time it in my head) and the mic starts acting a mess, so mid poem, without stopping I pulled off a mic switch...not once, not twice, but 4 times!! not to mention during the hand offs the DJ was adjusting the sound and music so I'm keeping up during all of this and still killed it.

Then I messed around and did a hip hop song in front of a crowd of MCs from Philly/NJ and NY. Lemme find out I was really feeling myself huh? lol.

Again surprisingly enough it came of really well.

So after last night despite some minor stuff, I may have to rethink my relationship with Philly...maybe instead of hate, I'll amend it to love/hate, because right now I have nothing to hate about the city of brotherly love.

Episode 32- Adentures in Dating (Retroactive)- Bad Dog! Or Why I Never Let Friends Set Me Up on A Blind Date

Thank you to C. Alexis at Coherence Is Bliss for this. CA just posted a story about why she does not date, which caused me to subsequently remember a really bad incident from a few years ago.

Let me start out by saying, by happenstance and a series of most unfortunate events the whole day started out bad before the actual date. If I remember correctly the day started with, among other things--a rained out outdoor Nas concert, a ruined outfit and hairstyle, a broken shoe, a minor foot injury and a pizza guy who tried to rip me off causing said broken shoe and minor foot injury.

This is when my friend Liz decided it would be a good idea to further torture me by setting me up on a blind date. It was one of those--she was going out with a guy and he wanted to bring his friend along kinda thing. Now, I knew her date...I'd actually known him since elementary school. He wasn't a bad looking dude and typically you know those type run in packs. However given my salty disposition I really was not in the mood to entertain anyone, much less a complete stranger or anyone else for that matter. So, I made my position very clear...if he's ugly, I will turn around and go straight home. If I'm gonna subject myself here after the day i had it better at LEAST be worth it.

After some assurances from her man that his boy was ok I reluctantly agreed to go, still clinging to the hope that I could perhaps salvage the remainder of my day...HA! No such luck.

I see the car pull up and I catch a glimpse of the troll in the passenger seat and I go as my friend MJ calls it...nuclear. I literally screamed out loud "oh HELL NAW. Fuck YOU. I'm going HOME!" Screw tact at that point. I knew the guys had heard me...ask me if I cared. On the ugly scale this dude was probably neck and neck with Shabba Ranks.



I spent the better part of 10 minutes on a profanity laden rant. Cool points be damned. Liz and her date managed to calm me down enough to go and my date knew at this point to just sit back and STFU.

We went bowling. The whole time Mr Ugly was suspiciously quiet. Which was great because then I didn't have to worry about kirking out again. He just sat back drinking beer and said a word every now and then which did nothing to improve his looks. But by now, I'm beginning to feel a little bad...damn my conscious. lol. I'm thinking I've been an asshole all night, he hasn't said two words. I probably made him feel like how'd I get stuck with this BITCH. Ok, let me at least make an effort to be nice. We decided to hang out (or rather they decided let me say-- I did not drive we were all in one car for the moment so I had NO choice in the matter), we go to pay for bowling and come to find out they messed up our bill. How 'bout they walked out without paying??? OK. This keeps getting better and better.

I'm trying to hold it together by a sliver at this point as we get to Mr Ugly's crib. We ended up playing spades I think. And Mr Ugly handed me a beer, which I promptly babysat. No way I'm drinking in this situation---not enough beer goggles in the universe to make him attractive.

Now here is where it goes completely over the TOP. We're playing cards at a glass kitchen table. Turns out Mr. Ugly had a rat chihuahua. At some point during the cards I picked up the rat and sat it in my lap...more as a distraction so I could avoid conversation, but this caused Mr Ugly to lean in and while he was pretending to pet the dog this mofo is trying to sneak a feel. At the risk of knocking him out, I remove the dog from my lap slyly...thinking he's been quiet all night perhaps I'm just over reacting---but when he did it again, I jumped up and the next words out of my mouth were "your dog just bit me!"

Don't ask me where that came from, I think maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I figured I'd spare him the agony of my fist across his jaw, but what I didn't take into account was under that glass table, the dog was sitting quietly at the feet of my friend Liz.

By now she and her guy had pretty much figured out what happened. And while they laughed at me decided it was time to go. Mr Ugly however wasn't about to let me walk out without one last try. He proceeded to tell me I was "too drunk" to drive home and I should stay for awhile. Now remember that beer I babysat...well I was completely SOBER. Then when he realized that wouldn't work, as I turned to leave, before I could even distance myself, this dude decides to attempt to kiss me...BIG MISTAKE. As a parting gift he received teeth impressions from where I bit him in the face, followed by an extra coat of blackness from the back of my hand.

Needless to say, that was the end of that date.

Episode 31- This is NOT up for discussion

The (truncated version) of the conversation I just had...

Me: Hello.

S: I'm unhappy without you.

Me: Thought we agreed not to talk.

S: I'm unhappy without you. I really want to work it out

Me: Ok, well this is not up for discussion

S: I want you back

Me: this is not up for discussion

S: can't we talk about it

Me: this is not up for discussion

S: How're you just so cold like that. You just want to give up?

Me: (feeling confuzzled since we broke up like more than 2 months ago and I KNOW I said I was FINISHED and put it in WRITING no less). Um, yeah.

S: So what should I do, I don't want to be with anyone else except you.

Me: I don't know how to advise you on that, because as I said, this is no longer up for discussion. Let it go.

S: C'mon man.

Me: this is not up for discussion

S: You know I will show up at your house.

Me: I don't think you have it in you, but I wouldn't be surprised if you did. Doesn't matter though, cause I don't want to talk about this.

S: You don't think I have it in me?

Me: Nope. But again, nothing would surprise me.

S: I just want to talk to you.

Me: at the risk of repeating myself...this topic is not up for discussion. Not now, not later.

S: We can't talk about this at all?

Me: What exactly is there to talk about? I said what I had to say last time and I told you I am tired of you fence straddling. You do NOT know what it is you want. One minute you want to be with me next minute you don't, then you want to be my friend, next minute you can't...I'm done! End of discussion.

S: I know what I want. I want you. You know this hurts me and you're not thinking about anyone except yourself.

Me: Actually, YOU are not thinking of anyone except YOURself. I made myself VERY clear. Repeatedly. I know what I said 'cause I was THERE when I said it. Period. This topic is NO LONGER up for DISCUSSION.

---call ends. Ten mins later...

Me: (exasperated.) Hel-lo.

S: (sounding tearful) So do you want me to leave you alone?

Me: (for the love of Jesus, Allah, Buddah, Mary, Joseph, Confucious and Captain Crunch) YES!

----
Did anything I said seem unclear there? I didn't think so. **Sigh!**

Episode 30- Swagger like Us. You're Not Famous...

...so why the hell do you need an entourage?

I'm just asking. But this is not why I wrote--although it plays a part in the story.

I hate this word, I do, but it recently came to my attention that I have no "swagger." I pretty much never gave a f!%#, but whatever... that's the consensus.

Why do I need 'swagger'...seems everyone these days has it and some are overdosing on it. I saw the swagger overdose first hand last night...

I decided to be bold and hit up this lounge I've been trying to go to for awhile. They do a mix and mingle event there once a month. I had invited a friend, but a last minute plan change had me going solo. Let me say upfront, I had a nice time. I chatted up a couple of people over drinks, watched bits and pieces of the NCAA tourney on the big screen, danced a little and then decided to hang back and do my usual m.o.--which is to watch and observe.

Here's where the plot thickens--turns out, the DJ at this place is someone I flirted with awhile back on an online dating site. The world is small and flat. Anyway, keep in mind I was Hans Solo last night so I couldn't do the casual "let me dance within your field of vision move" and hope for the recognition factor to kick in...and besides DJ xxx (as referenced from here on out) had a bunch of hard looking, mean muggin', "pretty boy" groupies/entourage members standing up against the DJ booth cock blocking as it were...or at least throwing a major kink in the game plan.

Meanwhile, as our heroine (that would be me) stands by the bar and contemplates this conundrum, I get the feeling that someone is watching me, casually getting closer and closer to my fortress of solitude. I wanted to say...if you want to talk to me I like to think I am approachable--but alas no. I casually sipped on my vodka cranberry while playing the cat, mouse, cat game all night. DJ xxx never came out of the damn booth. The "we love DJ xxx" fan club in their ever swaggerific gear never moved out of the way...and ol creepy starey, just kept well...staring, but never ended up talking to me.

Now, I relayed this story to a couple of friends this morning and I proceeded to say something that I find to be true...I do not believe that people see me as "approachable" and you know why???

Swagger. There's THAT word again.

No, but seriously...I have noticed that when I walk in a room just looking cute and really make an effort to look like someone who is nice and friendly and approachable (which is what i did last night)...nothing. But lemme walk in like f' you and everything you stand, kneel and lay down for, oh it's on and poppin. It's like I will reek of eau du "get the hell away from me" and it becomes an instant aphrodisiac. Go figure!

But see the thing with me is...I can't be like that all the time. It's just not me. And if you don't have it in you to come to me when you're interested then that's your loss. I'm all for meeting new people whether it turns into something or not. If I don't have enough 'swagger' I will still continue to do me.

No one on the corner has swagger like us, swagger like us, swagger swagger like us...

Episode 29- Read My Lip(s)

Open letter to the dumb girl who really wanted to get the lip tattoo.

Dear Becky,

I like to think I was saving you from making the biggest mistake of your life. Wasn't trying to call you out, but you seem to be of reasonable intelligence, what with your ambition to apply to Harvard and all.

However, getting the word "Jew" tattooed on the inside of your lip, when you are clearly not Jewish and have no logical explaination for your choice, seems a tad bit foolish and irrational...just a TAD. Many people have gotten tats which they've later come to regret. I would hate to see you added among that list. To offer sage advice--courtesy of my 4 year daughter--"some people just don't make good choices"

Although I applaude your courage (noted with an over abundance of sarcasm), I'm going to need you to get a grip and rethink your life choices.

Signed,
Common Sense

UPDATE:

So Becky changed her mind about the word, but um... well... see for yourself...



I weep on the inside.

Episode 28- Comprehension Skills and Chicken and Waffles

Ok...

I had pretty much kept quiet about S since the breakup. But TODAY I was sufficiently pushed over the edge over to feel COMPELLED to write commentary. This is not a good thing...

Apparently S has what I like to refer to as Chicken and Waffles Syndrome. Lemme 'splain...

Have you ever walked into a restaurant and not known what you want to eat? you don't know whether you have a taste for something salty or something sweet, your palatte is having conflict of interest issues...the cure for this is chicken and waffles. Seriously! For some reason the combination of those two things eaten at any time of the day will immediately cure whatever craving you had, stop you from fence straddling, increase your decision making and comprehension skills as well as cure your hunger...even better if it is followed by an Arnold Palmer (that's half sweet tea, half lemonade).

I would love to force feed S an entire bucket of fried chicken and about 50 waffles cause right now I feel like there are some serious issues with indecision going on over here.



When we broke up, I was crystal clear about what I wanted and where we stood. The only thing I could've done to be clearer about it was skywrite it. I said I wanted us to be friends and the response I got was no.

If someone tells me we can't be friends then I have no need to call you, IM you, have idle chit chat or rehash any parts of our relationship.

So imagine my surprise when I get a call weeks later from S complaining about how I made no effort to call or speak.

Ooooooooooooooooooook?

Whatever.

Yesterday, S calls me, apologizes, tells me that we should attempt to be friends. I'm thinking wow, ok...this is mature. Glad we can handle this like adults. But I start seeing where this might be headed when we spoke last night...the conversation kept steering in the direction of talking about the relationship. RED FLAG.

This brings me to today...we are on IM this morning. S starts joking about seeing someone new. Truth be told I don't care. Yeah it kinda hurts, but who am I to stop you at this point. I'm the one who walked in the first place so, do you. When I asked about it, S does what S always does to get a reaction out of me which is avoid my question by asking about my daughter.

Pump your brakes got damn it!!!

I'm not going for it and I said so. So, S calls me at WORK with an attitude no less and then pulls a 180 and says we need to get back together.

Say what?

Ok...lemme get this straight... first you tell me you can't handle being friends and then suddenly you can, then you turn around and start this bs about you want us back together.

Eat some chicken and waffles and make up your got damn mind!!!

My decision has BEEN made. I'm full and I have the itis. *BURP* Check, please!

What Don't You Fv%$@!G Understand?

This is officially my new theme song...



The Bale Out courtesy of The Run Down igottherundown.blogspot.com

Woooo lawd! LMBAO

Adventures in Dating-Redux

So I suppose I'm back to being officially single. S and I haven't spoken in about 2 weeks now (although I know that there is a continued lurking presence on my blog *I always feel like, somebody's watching me* LOL.) That being said I choose not to blog about my feelings concerning the moment formerly known as my relationship. I'll save that for a later day perhaps.

In any case the point of this is...I had a long conversation with my daily pool buddy (this is what I do on my downtime at work) HTP and we got in this long discussion about we're both currently in the same boat. Of course for his part, he is a certified gigolo by every standard definition.

gig·o·lo n. pl. gig·o·los

A man who has a continuing sexual relationship with and receives financial support from a woman.

and he may hate that I said that, but shoot I call 'em like I see 'em. LOL. Actually to be fair he's not that bad...aside from being an arrogant prick--but I am the only one who can fully get away with calling him that.

I joke, but the truth of the matter is we're both kinda stuck. As he so eloquently put it

"...there are days when we jus chill the fuck out. i know this chick that never chills out. i jus went the fuck off on her. its like s****. u cant get a break. an then u snap then they say ur crazy. and u forgive and forgive cause u know heck i can be a smart ass. so imma brush that off. but they keep on, till u jus say u know wha fuck it. then they want to say sorry."

Shoot, that's the story of my life when it comes to dealing with relationships. Folks like making things waaaaaaaaay more difficult than need be.

I'll be honest, there are times when I really like being single, but this isnt one of those times. At the same time though I'm not the person to jump back into something, just for the sake of being with someone--that reeks of eau du desperation--not my style. I wish things would've worked out with S, I do, but now that I'm back flying solo, I guess I'll just have to deal until I get another shot...

Yo HTP... 8 ball corner pocket.

Episode-26 Keep Your Little D**k in Your Pants

So, a nice bombshell has been dropped this weekend.

My 13 year old God son has started getting his little rocks off.

Yep! He's having sex.

At 13!!!

This should not surprise me, but somehow it does. The girl in question is apparently also 13 and from what I was told this is NOT her first sexual partner

I'm quietly seething and resisting the urge to knock the black off these kids

Now, I'm in the predicament of not quite knowing what to say on this. For all intents and purposes he and his dad had the "sex talk" re: STDs, condoms etc., etc., etc. I'm just not ready to see my God son on Maury arguing with some dumb little girl over whether or not he is or is not her baby daddy.

At the risk of sounding like a bonafide adult...I am not understanding why kids think it is cute to have sex and/or think that teenage pregnancy is just the way to go.

I'm not about to give a lecture or a sermon. But I can honestly speak from the perspective of someone who had sex a little too early. I love my daughter dearly, but I consider it a blessing that I had her at 27 and not 17. That I was smart enough to finish both high school and college before getting myself caught up in some baby daddy drama--and to be honest I don't have that now.

That being said I think it is completely unrealistic to teach kids that abstinence is the only way... AHEM! Sarah Palin-- that route obviously did NOT work for your family...however, knowing the potential risks and consequences, I don't want to condone teenage sexual activity either.

Ah so, we enter the parental quandary...

It's not my place to tell folks how to raise their kids--although in this case I think I'm gonna have my godson talk to my friend Sarina who is a social worker and former counselor who worked with young people who are newly diagnosed with HIV/AIDS. All I'm saying is we have to be mindful. Shoot, I want to have my speech (and my shotgun) well prepared from when my daughter gets close to that age.

Barbie has gone from MILF to GILF...Happy Birthday Bitch!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Episode 24- No Subject is Taboo... Except This One

There are only two subjects which hit a truly sore spot with me. One of the biggest ones is my writing.

I know that might sound a tad egotistical and silly. However, if you have never been told not to do what you love. If no one else ever told you that your dreams are stupid and foolish and that you will never make any money. Unless people who's opinions you do not value try to tell you what they think you SHOULD be doing. And until someone with the brain of a flea and the talent of a smashed watermelon tries to critique you...

You will not understand why this is and always will be a touchy subject for me.

Contrary to what some people think writing is not an easy thing to do. You can't just pick up a pen, scribble something down and think you've written a masterpiece. It doesn't work like that--at least not for me. I refuse unless my heart is in it because anything less than that and I would just be spoon feeding you regurgitated bullshit.

I don't think that's too hard to understand. Even if I seem like I am being hard on myself I want to put out my best work. I've been doing this too long and I will not bend on that.

So to the person who today suggested that I do what I said I would not do. That I write what I said I would not write. That I compromise the one thing I have (outside of Drey of course), that's worth something to me...STFU or I will make it a point to write about you.

--end transmission

Episode 23-Fall Out Boy

I did something kinda unexpected this weekend. I finally decided on and got what will most likely be my last tat. (Check out my profile pic for a closer look). My friend's husband hooked me up, and can I say I absolutely love it. :)

Had just a minor scare though prior to getting inked...

Another dude had come in earlier to get a touch up and add on to a tat he already had. Well we'd all eaten breakfast, spent most of the afternoon drinking a little and laughing--all in all there were like 4-5 of us chillin. In any case dude's tat took a loooooooooong time to do. All I know is when he was done, he stood up went to look in the mirror, came back to sit down and BOOM!

Passed out.

Yep, he slam passed out. At first I thought he just fell out of the chair or something but when he didn't move and didn't respond...man I was about to freak out. Suddenly dude opened his eyes up and announced "I pissed myself"

WTF?

Under normal circumstances that might have elicited a laugh from me. However, he was out for about 60 seconds, so that was scary enough, but damn, for real now I'm like whoa! I'm not calling dude out, but I have never seen that happen before.

Sheesh!

And that was most of my weekend, other than sleeping uncomfortably (I can't quite lay on my back just yet) and being bored outta my mind watching the Academy Awards--I love Sophia Loren but she looks like a botched experiment from Dr. Frankenstein

THEN NOW

And how freaking awkward was that Beyonce/Hugh Jackman singing atrocity?

Unbeweaveable!!!

I HAD to POST this....

A 20 year old woman was saved when her ex-boyfriend shot her in the back of the head and the bullet was stopped... wait for it, wait for it... by her HAIR WEAVE.

Here's the link: http://abcnews.go.com/video/playerIndex?id=6921539

Stick a fork in me. I'm done.

Episode 22- Adventures in Dating (Retroactive)

On one of my favorite social networking sites, there was a good discussion post today (which actually brewed over into a virtual catfight which is ongoing even as I am posting this up...that's a whole other blog post though...tune in for the next episode and maybe I'll have a conclusion)

Anywho, the original question posted to a women's group was something to the effect of what's the worst lie a man has ever told you? did you forgive him, and if so why?

I have some stories I could tell. Hence why I named my blog Jerry Springer Moments--because incredible, overdramatic, almost unbelievable soap opera-esqe stories are always happening to me. And were I not there to experience them I almost wouldn't believe them. Soooo I'm going to reprint the story I posted in response to the question. I swear all of this is true, I only changed the names:

I dated this man for a year while I was in college. It was long distance because I went to school out of state, but he was making these 6 hours trip to come see me nearly every weekend or I would come either home to DC or we'd meet up in NYC where his family lived. Like I said this went on for about a year. Things were fantastic...I had met all of his family, stayed at his mother's house one weekend, all that.

Ok, he joined the military and about a year into our relationship he told me he had a choice of getting stationed either at a base about a half hour from where I went to school, or to a base in Georgia. Well he decided on Georgia.

One weekend right about the time he was supposed to be leaving, we were both home and we had this huge blow out fight, and he told me he was leaving early the next day to start moving stuff down to GA. So like 2-3 in the afternoon that next day, I go pick up my best friend from her apartment building and I go to get in the elevator and as the doors opens this fool gets off carrying boxes and behind him is this random chick also carrying boxes. He says "hi" to me and keeps walking!!!!! My other friend had to snatch me back in the elevator before I could make a scene. I tell my best friend and we're ready to go looking for him, when...he gets off the elevator on the floor we're on. Walks over to my best friend, tries to hug her and then me. Random chick just kept walking past.

Well of course when I finally got a chance to call this fool out, the lie he gave me was that he didn't know the girl like that and his uncle paid him to help this girl move her stuff out of her apartment so he did it so he'd have some extra funds to travel on...

That might have been reasonbly plausible...IF...it wasn't for the fact that the random chick just by sheer coincidence happened to live across the hall from my best friend. We ran into her again a few days later and asked her. Turns out, SHE WAS HIS FIANCEE. They'd been together for TWO YEARS (which techinically made me the other woman--but I was the public front, his family had never met her). She was packing up to move to Georgia with him!! So I told her EVERYTHING. I think that despite that she still moved down there---at least for a little while. Me on the other hand, I rolled out baseball bat in hand ready to confront him but he pulled a Ron Browz and jumped out the window.

Funny thing is...like 2 or 3 years later he somehow got my email address and wrote me an apology

Again true story! I snuck into his apartment building behind a pizza delivery guy (because he lived in a security building) and rolled up in my kick ass gear with a baseball bat in hand. I left it at the front door of the apartment when I saw his grandmother and two of his uncles standing there. Ol boy was drinking a beer. When he saw me come in you'd have thought he saw Lucifer in the flesh. He went the back way out of the kitchen and jumped off the second story balcony. LMAO.

A year went by before I saw him again in a mall parking lot and I refused to speak to him...

Then like another year or two after that, out of nowhere he sent me an email basically apologizing for the whole thing. I was shocked needless to say. Also needless to say, we obviously never got back together, but we manage to actually keep in touch every now and then. He never did marry the other chick, but he stayed in the military for awhile, got shipped overseas, ended up having a son and last I heard was a pretty successful DJ somewhere in this area.

I look back on that whole thing as both a comedy and a life lesson. Glad I can laugh about it now. Like I said before if it hadn't happened to me I almost wouldn't believe it. But that's what defines a good Jerry Springer Moment I guess...

And my final thought: If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

-D

Over 18, Sleeping with poets, and J Holiday in a towel

Some dear poet friends of mine, Max Parthas and his wife Tribal Raine came through Virginia yesterday to do a show. Since I hardly get to see them I decided I would make the two hour drive to Richmond to catch up with them.


Bad traffic and almost 3 hours later, I get to the show just in time for the finale. I missed a good chunk of the performances (but lucky for me it was broadcast to web so I will make up for the parts I missed as soon as it's all on youtube).

Since I wasn't in a hurry to drive back, I followed some of the others over to our DJ's house--DJ Tree to be exact (see below). He had a gig over at a local club so we all dropped our stuff off at his house and after a few shots of E&J and Smirnoff (I stuck with the latter--since anyone who knows me knows that brown liquor and I are not friends) we head out to the spot.

First of all since this was a 18 and up spot I believe, I can safely say I had about 10-15 years age up on average on these folks up in the club. So while Max politic'ed with some folks, Tribal and I played the back and clowned--which wasn't all the hard since 90% of the people who I saw were serious offenders, errr I mean contenders for You Know You Dead Azz Wrong. And if you doubt me here is Exhibit A:

The random chick who decided she would channel Nadia Cominiche and stretch her leg over the top of the DJ booth--btw that would be Tree in the background. I couldn't get my camera out in time to snap a pic of the girl who probably simultaneously caught an STD and got pregnant on the dance floor as many men as she had trying to pile drive, err I mean "dance" with her...note to self: cancel salsa lessons.

So after a rather entertaining night, Max, Tribal and I went back to the house where we ended up watching Norbit and crashing out--when I said sleeping with poets I meant that literally...lol. Although I will say we had a rather interesting wake up experience when Tribal tried to switch out the movie from the dvd/disc changer and the next one happened to be a porno.

At this point everyone in the house was up--a little groggy perhaps, and one of the other members of the household came around the corner. Now I had met dude the night before and I lie to you not, if this negro did not look like a J. Holiday with blue eyes.

Tribal made some crack about him coming around the corner the day before in nothing but a towel and that was all she wrote--the jokes and the commentary came out. Lawd, don't even get me started...lol.

Anyway, after that everybody dipped out and headed back up 95, but not before I stopped and took a few pics downtown.

Maaaaaan. That trip convinced me of two things 1) I miss the camaraderie of poets...I need to get back on my game and 2) that apparently it's cool to walk into a club on a 40 degree day with your boobs hanging out and smacking you in the knee caps, wearing half a skirt on your ass or looking about 18 months pregnant, with a gang of random tats for each of your baby daddies while letting horny, nasty little boys dressed like they put clothes on in the dark pseudo fvck you.

I prefer to only believe the former.

I HATE Valentine's Day...

Hate it with a passion. That is all.


as an addendum: I spent a chunk of my day watching the Cheaters marathon on G4. Bwahahahahahaha

Episode 19- My Baby Mama is a Stripper

Got a phone call today while I was at work and have been laughing my butt off about it ever since.

I mentioned awhile back I have this friend I'll call E who's husband cheated on her.


Now E's husband had a baby with said Random Chick, who turned out to be a complete and total psychopath. In all the tit for tat back and forth to court, jail etc etc., E managed to get Random Chick fired from her job awhile back (which would've probably happened regardless because Random Chick is an admitted drug user).

So... economy being what it is, Random Chick has apparently become a stripper at a local club. Now I'm not knocking anyone's hustle, BUT

This is funny for a few reasons...

a) Random Chick is not what I would call stripper material in the buttockal (yeah I made that shyt up...lol) area (unless you like members of the nosital crew).

b) the reason E knows that Random Chick is now dancing for change (and I don't mean for Obama) is because another stripper who knows baby daddy snitched on her.

I though strippers had some sorta code of ethics regarding stuff like that. Can they stripper sanction her, or like take away her pole priveleges for that? I mean if you can't trust a stripper with your secrets, who can you trust?

ROTFL. But damn if this wasn't made for tv...

And the FUNNIEST part is, now my homegirl wants me to go with her to the strip club (the bi girl taking the straight girl to the girl on girl strip club to see the baby mama shake her non-existant ass on a pole...ooooh THIS should be GOOD and COMICAL)!!

In Denial Perhaps? Future Springer Guests.

see more pwn and owned pictures

I just wanted to laugh today. I ran across this in failblog.org.

Seriously?

See y'all on Springer in a few weeks. ROTFL

Episode 18- Lowered Expectations

Perhaps because the weather (at least here) is cold or because mass market retailers have already begun peddling pink and red cupid paraphernalia and cream filled chocolate hearts that will either melt or be half eaten and tossed, I'm finding that a lot of people are in one of two stages right now...

A) You are in a relationship or have some symbiotic or parasitic attachment to someone for whom you feel obligated to send/give a gift or at least acknowledge 2 weeks from now

OR

B) You are single, panicking, wondering if you will have to resort to sending yourself flowers to at least maintain the appearance of having someone significant while you contemplate the night when you will have to go home and drown your misery in cheap liquor and bon bons. And God forbid you are recently single because THEN you will further torture yourself by playing every sad song imaginable while sobbing into said cheap liquor.

Now for people in category B, you have a variety of options here. I whole heartedly advocate online dating...HOWEVER, if you choose to go this route aside from basic safety and common sense, there are a few key things and red flags you should be aware of when perusing through ads.

For instance:

• Make sure you are looking at ads in the correct category. I just found out what "M4T" means. If you don't know check out the casual encounters section on craigslist...LMAO. (I know I'm slow, but let me clarify I don't mess with CL like that unless I am looking for freelance writing jobs).
• Speaking of which--realize that 99% of folks embellish their ads or straight up lie--it's like padding a resume. Accept it.
• If someone says they like to be spoiled read "gold digger"
• Thick and voluptuous read "a chunkster" (sorry to the big girls/men but be honest--I know some people like big bone-ded, but 350 lbs of gut spillage is not everyone's thing)
• If they will only agree to meet you at your house or call you from any phone other than their home or cell...they're MARRIED
• If a guy says size unimportant, he's got a girl and he's trying to get laid
• If it says "young at heart"...he's about 72 with sweaty balls, so get your viagra and defibulator machine ready
• If they've got a pic of their body but no face, you can bet they either hijacked the pic from another site, or they resemble magilla gorilla
• If they have pics of their genitals, they're freaks...but that may not always be a bad thing wink wink
• If it sounds fishy it probably smells that way too. Pass them the number to the closest STD clinic
• I've noticed more and more people asking for "voice verify" Are that many men posing as girls???
• If it sounds too good to be true it probably is

And this is why I will hosting my annual anti-valentine campaign in a few weeks. Cupid done shot too many of us in the ass. I figure it's time to shoot back.

Episode 17- What you Won't Do For Love

One of my very good friends offered me this piece of sage advice a few years ago.

She said, just because you love somebody doesn't mean you should be with them.

It's true.

Sometimes you do what you can and things just don't fall into place. It happens like that.

I still love S, despite whatever. But I know it doesn't work for us to be together. We can't seem to get on the same page about anything.

My "big brother" as much as he tries to deny it...still has feelings for his baby mama. Granted he's well aware of the fact that she a psychopath in every sense of the word.

My other friend Liz, as much as she complains about her husband...and he did do her dirty, I know she loves him, but at the same time I don't know if she wants to be married to him.

I say all the time that I think people make relationships more complicated than they need to be. But love is a complicated thing. It will make you do the most unthinkable, retarded stuff you have every done. It will make you lose all rationale and common sense. Whoever originally said it's better to have loved and lost... probably committed suicide and died a virgin. I'm neither cynical nor jaded, I'm just saying...

My question then becomes what's worse...letting go and starting over (with the hope that you might or might not get it right with someone else)? or staying in hoping that things will get better (with the possibility that they won't)?

The answer is...

Episode 16- Aaaaaand We're Done

It's official.

It's over.

I don't even know how I feel.

Sad? Relieved? Confused?

Episode 15- To Be or Not to Be. Who the Hell Cares

I just came across a very interesting discussion on the new social networking site I've been playing with--I'm so addicted...lol. Anyway, I'm paraphrasing, but the question pertained to if you are gay/lesbian/bisexual/whatever whether or not you necessarily need to "come out" to people. Key word being need.

The short version of my answer (in typical me fashion) was:

What? is it like graduating from college? Do I need to write formal announcements and handwritten cards that say "thank you for accepting me" I don't feel like I NEED to come out anymore than I NEED to announce that I'm black. I am what I am. If either one makes a difference in the way you deal with me then you don't NEED to deal with me...

Oh for the record I am bisexual. Have been for a minute. Go figure.

Just so we're clear, I am neither confused or fence straddling. I hate labels. To say I am a lesbian would be completely inaccurate. I still like and/or appreciate men--just so happens I like and/or appreciate women too. It is what it is and I am cool with it. My girlfriend is very aware of it and to this point is cool with it (yes, put two and two together S is a girl--makes so much more sense now huh?).

Yes, I put myself out there, but go back a few sentences... if it makes a difference, in fact if I've grown a third head in the last 30 seconds please let me know. I feel like at this point I'm grown, the hell I have to worry about. Anyone who knows me in the least shouldn't be surprised by anything I say or do anyway. I think I killed my shock value years ago...lol.

Anyway back to the original question...

Whether I think you "need" to come out. Honestly I think you should only tell people on a need to know basis. Um.. the people you are sleeping with or potentially trying to sleep with--need to know. Co-workers--don't need to know unless you're prepared to have them all up in your business. My friends need to (and do) know (how awkward would conversations about our love lives be otherwise...rotfl). My family, some know some don't. This has been a source of conflict with me and S for a few months. I haven't told my mom and step dad up to this point because we'd been going through so much shit I really didn't feel it was appropriate to drop that piece of news on them. I think I dropped enough bombs over baghdad in 2008.

However, last two visits with my mom since the move, I actually tried to tell her. Never happened, not for lack of trying though--she cut me off before I could get to the good part. I mean I could call my mom on the phone and tell her, but I believe that this conversation should take place in person.

This resulted in a long drawn out unnecessary argument with S about a week or two ago. Now, she told her mom--against my advice. Her mother is in somewhat ill health and far more conservative than mine--not to mention she decided to wait until we were in the middle of a break-up to do it. Why, I have no idea, but she made her own bed with that one. Whatever--that is neither here nor there.

So back to the question...

Is it necessary to "come out"?

Or my question, what precisely am I "coming out" of since I have never been in. And even if I do, does it matter and who cares...

Fuck the existential question.