Episode 64- Why Did You Get Married

Haven't written in minute... not for lack of episode material.

I have many stories but this is a continuing saga--Mr. X, sigh! I've talked about him before, most recently about his marriage a month and a half ago. Earlier this week we had a chit chat about how things were going. Which leads me to this question:

If you dated someone and everything was great except in one very important area, for instance sex, would you marry them knowing the situation would not improve?

For me, this would be a deal breaker. I'm not talking about a problem that can be fixed, I'm talking about sex being bad, non-existent or looked at like it was a requirement rather than something you enjoy. You can't change sexual compatibility or attitudes about sex--and if you know your sex drive is high, marrying someone who sees it that way is a set up to cheat.

Now I didn't want to say I told you so, but I saw that issue coming awhile back. I was hoping I was wrong--and to be fair it hasn't happened yet, but I get the distinct feeling it's simply a matter of time. I told Mr. X I would NEVER advocate cheating on his wife, but again I had to ask if you knew sex was a big issue and you knew your requirements in that area, did you think it would resolve itself over time or did you talk yourself into thinking you could live with it because everything else about wifey was good?

*shrugs shoulders*

If I knew her better I would grab her by the hand and talk her straight to the nearest freak shop. LMAO. If only because I want her to have a fighting chance for her marriage. Sigh!

And this is why I remain single.

Episode 63- Ninjas and a Dominatrix

See, funny but completely random stuff always happens to me. I document it as much as possible because if I didn't I wouldn't believe myself. So my odd story for tonight...

I had class tonight. Because I always have trouble parking on Thursdays I decided I'd try and take the shuttle to the train station and then a couple of stops up to the building. On the way there--no problem. On the way back, it's kinda late by this point. The bus pulls up and it's full of ninjas.

Not even kidding.

Full of ninjas.

And they all start unloading off the bus. So I'm standing there like *wtf* I get on the bus, I give the driver a look--he shrugs. The bus sits there for a few minutes and then some of them get back on. Turns out the university was hosting some sort of scavenger hunt game--the apparel was somehow involved, I don't know, but whatever. Reason #684 why I kinda miss undergrad. LOL.

So, I get back and finally get a chance to sit down and check my email. First thing I see is a reply to an ad I posted re: some freelance editing/writing work. This chick who emailed me was looking for someone to write some bios. Now supposedly, the story was she's an artist manager. So I had asked her for a few details and she'd sent a reply--and something about her reply just threw me off. Call it a hunch...Now, normally, for small jobs I don't do this, but I decided to Google this chick to see if she or her company were legit.

Yeah...so I see she has one artist--who IMHO is wack, but whatever. Then I see a bunch of craigslist posts--that kinda make her sound shady, but they were expired, so I couldn't read them in their entirety. Then I see an ad on another site that I've never heard of advertising that this chick is a dominatrix. Some of her ahem "services" include spanking and golden showers.

Now understand...I'm not one to knock anyones...ahem, side hustle. I'm realizing this is a rough economy and all, but I'm saying...

... I'll pass on that.

Goodnight

Episode 62- The Twilight Zone

So last week for me officially qualified as the weirdest week in the history of the universe. Normally, my stories might be drama filled, but I try to keep it light and funny.

This past week, not so much.

I swear to you, I've never had so much happen at the same time...some of it good, most of it very bad. Culminating with a very psychedelic trip to the ER...courtesy of stress induced insomnia and a few too many sleeping pills. Note to self: I will NEVER take so much as a vitamin again as long as I live.

I don't even know where to begin with this, so I won't...other than to say it's defintely a story for the books--hence why I even make mention of it, but I pray to leave this week way back like a bad memory--close this worm hole in the space time continuum and hope that things get better ASAP.

Episode 61- I'm Convinced It's Made Out of Platinum and Crack...

I haven't laughed this hard in quite awhile...

So my brother calls me, I think I've posted about him before--he was the one that the GF who hid out in his closet until she fell asleep and got busted (still one of the funniest stories EVER!!). He has a crazy, insane history with some crazy, insane women--including a deranged baby mama and a more deranged ex-wife.

Ok...so the story goes my brother decided to move to Florida a few months back to be closer to his kids (because the ex wife moved there). He and the ex have a very up and down relationship, mostly because she's a nutjob! I know she's a nutjob--I've known this chick for years because they actually started dating back when we were all still in high school.

So the other day my brother tells me that this chick got mad over some lame bs. He sat on the sofa and laughed at her (I know him well enough to believe him when he says this, because he's just as laid back and as big of a smart ass as I am), this crazy bitch called one of her friends and just randomly started yelling "you better not hit me again" to make it seem like he'd put hands on her--he was smart enough to a) not touch her and b) roll out.

Tell me why?

Tell me why this looney tunes called him yesterday asking if she could come by and get some
d!ck.

Errr [insert Shaggy and Scooby noise]

Um yeah...

and then to top it all off...cause it can get no funnier... BMD (that's what we call his baby mama--BMD= Baby Mama Drama) called and said that (even though she has a new boyfriend and like 6-7 kids) she wants to move down to Florida to be with my brother.

WTF? Where they do that at? and who does that? LMAO.

Just wow!

Ladies I'm not knockin the man, cause he's my homie, my brother from another mother--but seriously did I miss the memo about a shortage of good d!ck (yes I realize the irony of that question coming from me)?

It cannot possibly be that crucial. smdh. rotfl. woo lawd these dumb ass chicks kill me.

Episode 60- If Anyone Has Just Cause For Why These Two Should Not Be Wed

Ah so...it is too early in the day and in the week for such drama.

A long time ago I wrote about a bunch of drama with a friend of mine named Mr. X (I don't feel like digging up old posts or old dirt...lol). Long story short Mr. X has had, let's just say a long and sordid track record with women. But we're cool and we're friends.

Well Mr. X got married a few days ago. Which is a good thing, because maybe...just maybe he will be settled and get things together. Now the drama comes because I was not invited to the wedding. Understand that this is not coming from my end...I knew well in advance before he even said it to me to expect this. There are a few reasons why I could justify my non-invitation--mainly because we have a sort of backstory--even though this is long in the past and way, way before wifey was in the picture. I've actually met the new Mrs. X on a few occassions and she's really nice. The thing is Mr. X and I have a bunch of mutual friends... so far three of them have hit me up (publicly at that--either via FB or Twitter) asking why I wasn't at the wedding.

Ok, so how to politely explain without being all obviousman about it...

So far I've answered with the truth which is that I was at the Cherry Blossom Festival. Not sure I want to delve into it on any level with anyone who's asked me...what I feel like saying is ask Mr. X, but since I'm quite sure he's blissfully enraptured in his new nuptials I'm not sure that's the best idea since I would hate to create some marital discord.

For all intents and purposes I hold absolutely not hard feelings and I really hope things go well for them. Sigh...I think I may do best to just avoid the question all together and vow to keep my mouth shut.

Speak now or forever hold your peace.

Episode 59- Tippy Tie on the Panty Sty

So I was asked to explain this in further detail, but on Friday I had an intellectual conversation with Pootie Tang...of rather some dude named Oz who looked just like Pootie Tang (wa dah tah! rotfl)




Can't lie this is one of the most retarded movies ever made, but this scene always cracks me the hell up...and I swear I had to fight the urge to do this scene. Dude fo' sho looked like Pootie (leapotime...rotfl). So Pootie...errrr... well f it I'll call him Pootie, starts telling me his story (mind you we are standing outside of a restaurant) about how his baby mama went crazy--she was cheating on him while he was working (I believe he said he was a truck driver) and then tried to evict him from his house when he was on the road one night. Somehow I envisioned his baby mama looking very much like Biggie Shorty--and that ladies and gentlemen is why I need not drink that much. lol. However...in the middle of our conversation a man walks up on us looking rather um...how shall I put this gently--crackhead-ish--and proceeds to run some game about he had a baby with him and he need to get some formula for the baby. So Pootie proceeds to give dude some money while giving me the look that said clearly we both know this mofo is on game. He then says--"sometimes we get tested".

I thought about this for a minute. I realize this should've been a serious moment--but...

I f'ing lost it

I mean completely lost it. Tears down my face, howling laughing, stomach aching--lost it. Yeeeeeeeah something about getting sage advice from Pootie just wasn't right.

Smh. Done.

Episode 58- The Deal Breakers

Just when I thought I was safe from the drama...

So I went out on Friday and by happenstance ended up having a conversation with a very interesting person. Turns out we have a lot in common--including the fact that he hosts a open mic venue, so out initial conversation was all about that.

Later in the evening he says he's really into me. So--we exchange numbers.

Now...if you know anything about me, or if you've read my previous entries--you know a) I don't date much--for a reason and b) I'm nothing if not upfront and honest...keep those things in mind.

So yesterday he calls me and we talk for a little while and I say, I have a couple of things you should know upfront that might be potential deal breakers

1. My schedule is really, really hectic between school, work and performing--so if you're the type that needs to be around me 24/7 that's not going to work.
2. I have a daughter. She's priority #1 so if you don't like children it's a wrap

Ok...so here's what I get in response...

1.The schedule thing I understand because I am in school too.
2.As far as kids I definitely do not have a problem with that because I have a 10 year old, 6 year old and 8 month old twins (btw he's in his 30's--and there is more than one baby mama, but according to what I'm told no baby mama drama)


So then... we continue talking and then I find out...he spent 2 years in prison.

The short story is, he's ex military and did two tours in Iraq. When he came home he had some readjustment issues and it subsequently led to a fight which led to an assault charge. Ironically he said to me that he feels like it did him good because he has since been able to get things back on track...

I didn't quite know how to react. What do you say to something like that? Does it become a deal breaker? Hmm...

If you were me, what do you do?